BAKER'S DOZEN--2/16/05

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN THE CITY OF TOWERS?


All towers suddenly vaporized to make way for new hyperspace bypass.

House Cannith's claim to "only do eyes"

The Kalashtar's telepathic message is coming from INSIDE THE TOWER!

I think I heard the same story from this guy in a greasy Buffy shirt at GenCon who insisted on narrating every moment of his last Eberron campaign.

I was surprised at how charming the hero, Austin Towers, was.

Nail-biting ending in which the protagonist makes his Fortitude saving throw by *1*!!

With an indeterminately large number of towers, City of Towers is infinitely better than J.R.R. Tolkein's The Two Towers.

Every page made of human skin!

The "Chapter IV - The Daine Curse" subtitle. I mean what sort of jackass starts his first big trilogy with number 4?

The very special chapter where Blossom learns a valuable lesson about not setting fires.

Dreaming Darko soon to be a major cult hit!

Hero carries a stuffed cow puppet around; said puppet does most of the thinking.

I thought the author really poured his heart and soul into the one character who, despite all his worldwide success as a storytelling bard just really, really wished he could get back into the mystical video game industry.

The Thranish Inquisition (though I personally expected them sooner).

Not a single tower to be found.  The inhabitants actually live in 60-foot holes in the ground, and the title is just there to BLOW PEOPLES' MINDS.

In a strange wormhole related crossover that smacked of Paramount's desperation, War-Forged revealed to have been Worf-Forged.

Who woulda thunk Paris Hilton was such a powerful wizard.

Three words: "Wrapped in plastic."

The next book in the series will be called "City of Powter", a chilling tale of a populace in the steel-like grip of a butch, white-haired health nazi.

A darkwood dryad who cut down in her prime before she could safely leaf town.

Bridges? WHERE ARE THE BRIDGES?

There are no human characters at all - everyone in the entire book is a Tower.

Birdie birdie in the sky, drop your white turd in my eye, Lord I'm glad elephants can't- WATCH OUT FOR THAT HIPPOGRIFF!!!

Turns out to be the story of a young man paying his way through college by working at a sex toy store (from whence the book takes its name) and the struggles he goes through with his own sexual identity.  Powerful stuff--says the NYTBR:  "Not since 'Tammy Finds Her Groove' have the genres of the coming of age story and erotica been so successfully and skillfully joined."

Ya get to the middle of the thing, and you realize the tallest building in it is only three stories high.

Well, I for one never saw the gallons of milky white fluid coming...  (Did I just say "coming"?)

Kid who said he "saw dead people" shipped off to the Ghostwalk universe.

I was outraged at the complete lack of anything resembling Towers! I mean, hello... City of TOWERS, what's the problem here - some budget thing? SO lame!

A warforged 'Archer' named... Pierce (and that really is in the novel).

Random Factors & Strange Attractors

Charo.

You dun save Jar Jar's life in da war, Massa Daine!

The 9-11 references. I mean they were tasteful and all, but...

Strangely, no actual towers in the city. And 3 guesses about the nearby "Lake Surprise."

Paul Lynde as the Scoutmaster - "Get 'em Boys!"

NOT part of a trilogy!

The method by which certain denizens of the city can actually suck out someone's Dragon Mark - Too hot for the kiddies!

Who knew the Artificer's breasts were real? They looked so... well.. artificial somehow.

Norblak the Seer, son of Voras Pendragon and Keeper of the White Brazier, turns out to be a Dark Lord of the Sith.

More ninjas, less pirates

I'm surprised to hear Keith is writing books! I wanna be a writer too!!! WAHHHHHHH!!!

It turns out that City of Towers is actually an unofficial sequel to the 1998 Nicolas Cage/Meg Ryan film "City of Angels".  20 years have passed, and all the angels have moved to Sausalito.

The abandoned dwarven mine is NOT guarded by a kraken!

Orthanc and Minas Morgul are two of the towers.

So *that's* where Babel is!

Turkeys roaming the streets.

The lack of both Sauron and Al Qaeda.

Darth Maul IS Daine's father!!

Gnomes can give hickeys!? To humans!?

Jode is actually Kojak in disguise!! Fleeing from gambling debts with Players Club International!

Lei=Leia... Ah yes, a pattern is emerging!!

Its delicious chewy nougat center.

A city of that size and not one Baker's Dozen Bakery in sight!  On that note, no sign of a bossy cow anywhere, just lots of gruel and bread!

The name "Trump" doesn't appear on any of the towers... anywhere.  Obviously there was some kind of problem during production, because this sort of thing in a so-called "City of Towers" is IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!  What is this, some kind of fantasy world????

Someone has a sword named Twinkle, only it's not a sword, if you get my drift...

No, Keith! Don't sail away to Valinor!

Contains no references at all to Minars Anor--not even the sloppily hidden kind.  What kind of fantasy book is this?

The language is too simplistic and easy to read.  Readers should have to dig into a text to understand what you're trying to say--a really well-written chapter should take a reader weeks or months to understand even the basic idea of what you're trying to say.  What?  Why, yes, I am James Joyce, author of Finnigan's Wake.

When Bossy the Cow appeared in Changeling form. Don't tell me it wasn't her. I could spot Bossy from a mile away.
 

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