BAKER'S DOZEN--3/24/05

WHERE ARE *YOUR* TAXES GOING?

My taxes? Why, MY taxes are going to help pay for the all important pretzel guards. They're the ones who keep our president safe from rogue pretzels!

To the dogs. No, really. Do you have any idea how much it costs to maintain the presidential pets? When they say that Clinton spent millions on Socks, they ain't talking about footwear.

I like to believe that my taxes are going to feed the hungry, shelter the cold, and maybe even protect the little fuzzy forest creatures. In reality I bought a super-potent flesh eating neurotoxic bioweapon...Aren't all those little bunnies cute!

Well, *I* say they go into the middle of the board and that whoever lands on Free Parking gets to take them, but Joe says that's not in the rules.

The same place they go every year - trying to take over the world. One Middle Eastern country at a time.

Towards the Mars mission. Hey I can dream, can't I?

Repair all the rampaging animatronic Cheney clones.

My taxes no doubt pay for the school lunches my son has to endure... cause that shit HAS to be the result of waaay under-funding.

My Delaware taxes are pre-addressed to be processed in Baltimore?  My federal taxes should be spent testing the effects of prolonged exposure of programmers to beer, 12oz at a time, cuz that's how I'd spend it...

All the damn vampires.

They're going to be used in the top secret Oolong Missile Defense Shield. See, we take this giant pancake…

Into the revenue service, through social security, around the military, down the endless black hole of the white house, and into the pocket of the master mind of the republican conspiracy, an imigrant worker from mexico named Jose.

To fund a top secret project which will bring Randolph Scott back from the dead.... or was it through DNA cloning?  Anyway, we gotta get him back; the country needs him.  Only Randolph Scott can rally Americans into doing whatever it is I want - I mean, whatever needs to be done. 
And we'll steal the slogan for the campaign from Mel Brooks: "You'd do it for Randolph Scott."

My taxes no doubt pay for the training program where bus drivers learn to double-park across three lanes of the only road I use to get to work.

Down a hole. Darnit.

Well, they would be going toward productive purposes, but they seem to have gotten trapped by the Maze O' Red Tape.

Into the fire! I mean, how ELSE do they make electricity?

My taxes no doubt pay the salary of the parking ticket guy (in his stupid-ass-wanna-be-cop-car golf cart) who tickets me every few weeks when I forget quarters.

My taxes are going places!  For they will pay for one day's use of Air Force 1!

Internal Revenue Service Center
Austin, TX 73301-0002
Oh, and into the folder marked "TAXES" in my filing cabinet.
 

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