BAKER'S DOZEN--6/5/05

WHAT HAS DEEP THROAT BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS?

After working with Woodward and Bernstein, he decided to try Rogers and Hammerstein and performed in dinner theaters for several years, with moderate success.

Well, first he painted a face on the volleyball and started talking to it. But eventually, he got up the courage to build a damn raft.

Have you LOOKED at the internet?

Actually, Mark Felt was killed in 1987. It's taken this long for his cloned 'son', Boba Felt, to grow up and assume his father's title.

He was enjoying a lovely stay at our Village. Be seeing you!

Come on. We KNOW this Felt guy is an imposter. I mean, Deep Throat was killed ages ago - it was covered on "The X-Files."

Prank-calling Bob Woodward every night.

He auditioned for Jerry McGuire, but apparently the producers found Tom Cruise's "Show me the Money" more compelling than Felt's "Follow the Money."

Mark Felt claims he doesn't want to cash in on his notoriety, but he has tried out to be the next "Mr. Howell" on 'The Real Gilligan's Island'.

Hiding Easter Eggs on the White House lawn.
 
Sword Swallower at the County fair

Tried to get in on Whitewater, TravelGate, and MemoGate, but no one had heard of his previous work in the field.

Being offended that Robert Redford portrayed some other guy.

Dallas.

Killing all who claimed to be Deep Throat. Especially those from the porn industry.

Apparently, he got fired.

Have you ever noticed that we've never seen Superman and Deep Throat in the same place?

He went into oil, then real estate, then internet startups, and now he's in biotech.  He took his own advice and followed the money.

I know what he just did yesterday - taped an Amex commercial.  "Do you know me?  That's why I carry American Express."

Cataloguing all the witty one-liners he wished he'd though of the last time he saw Richard Nixon.

When Nixon commanded Superman to capture "Deep Throat" in the underground garage, Mark Felt fired all his bullets at the Man Of Steel and then threw his gun at him.  Only then did Superman duck, and that's when Felt got away!

Setting up this whole elaborate scheme with the Trade Federation and their droid army.

Forget Watergate.  The Dakota.  December 8th, 1980.  Check the photos of the crowd outside.  That's all I'm sayin'......

Playing the role of Deuteronomy in "Cats."

Trying to recover from throat cancer, thank you very much.

Poking fun at everyone who speculated Deep Throat was Diane Sawyer.

Wears a fat suit and mask to pass himself off as "Harry Knowles" on the Internet so that he can keep giving secrets away.

Considering he's got kids, nothing you'd think of initially.

Loved to go to San Clemente and leave a flaming bag of dog poop on the doorstep before ringing the bell and running away.

Currently banned from the local Karaoke Night - kept starting up with "Regrets... I've had a few......"

Mark Felt just completed the national tour of the musical "Rocky", in which he played Mickey the Trainer.  Lovely solo in the second act - but then we always knew he could sing.

Oh, come on - that "Michael Moore" fat suit wasn't fooling anyone.

Jammed with the Grateful Dead, on the road in 1983.

After being the most famous anonymous source in journalism history, he went on to anonymous drug abuse and anonymous failed marriages.  However, he has gotten his act together and is ready to release his new anonymous album, "Tricky Dick."

Hot dog eating contests.

As part of the witness protection program, he moved to Central Asia to become a Deep Throat Singer.

Living on the millions he made from starring in the revolutionary 1970s porn flick.

He struggled for decades to clear his name - he's Mark Felt, dammit!  NOT Fritz Feld, that mouth-popping Austrian waiter in the movies.

Was a big hit at cocktail parties doing imitations of Hal Holbrook.

His one-man show "Password-apalooza", in which he portrayed Alan Ludden, closed in Philadelphia, 1977.  His dreams of Broadway stardom were forever smashed.

Re-wrote the opera "Nixon In China" with Weird Al Yankovic.

Uncontrollable urges to wear pancakes on his head in the late 1990s.

Well, he got this guitar and he learned how to make it talk.

Lighting stand-in for Ian MacDiarmid in "Revenge Of The Sith".  Kept the hooded robe as a souvenir.

Loved to walk up to Nixon after the resignation and quietly sing, "The things you think are useless I can't understand."

Often while in his cups, Mark Felt would complain bitterly that nobody liked his suggestion of John Forsythe for the role in the movie.  Ted Knight, even!

Killed a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Deep Throat's been crawling around Undermountain, mapping for wizards.com

Developed a fantasy RPG about the evil warlord Nixaun.

"Concrete shoes, cyanide, TNT.  Neckties, contracts, high voltage!" - Who do you think AC/DC was singing about????

Trying to find a publisher for his memoirs. Now that he can be his own publisher, he's decided to come out of hiding. This way he can enjoy the rest of his life with the best nursing money can buy.

Trying to open that damned hatch.

He has no concerns about being punished at this stage so late in the game.  Death will soon come for the man known as "Deep Throat".  But he'll just regenerate like any other Gallifreyan Time Lord, and then disappear into society with his new look.

Click here to see the archives of past questions!