WHAT'S TOM CRUISE GOING TO DO NEXT?

Declare his love for Dakota Fanning and propose to her in a very public spectacle.  Probably at a Chuck E. Cheese.

After his exhaustive study of the history of psychology, he's turned his attention to the history of paleontology. Apparently the dinosaurs would have been fine if they'd just taken more vitamins and gotten more exercise.

Hellooooo, hot-dog eating contest.

Denounce the work of dentists as the dabblings of devil worshippers.  Then have lunch at Prago.

He'll use the power of the e-meter to do battle with the extraterrestrial spirits that are trying to possess the human race and control our minds. And no, I'm not talking about a movie.

Well, there's the painfully obvious answer of "Going to Disney World," but Tom apparently has a problem with the Mouse. He feels that people worship Disney and Mickey Mouse and that is just plain silly to be devout to anything that is clearly all about money and created by someone who was primarily a fantasy writer?.

He wants to replace Hugo Weaving in all future Tolkien products as L RON the king of the elves.

Look. This year alone we've got remakes of the Dukes of Hazard, The Amityville Horror, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Bad News Bears, The War of the Worlds, and many more. Isn't it TIME for a remake of "Battlefield Earth"?

Well, he has a beard now you know. No really? Her name is Katie.

He's lobbying to play Drizzt Do'urden in the inevitable Forgotten Realms movie. He just wants to have a sword names Twinkle.

Duh! Run for governor of California? Hello?

He's been trying to get the brothel going again, but Rebecca de Mornay won't return his calls.

He's a terrible actor and scientology cult leader. She's Dawson's love interest and a doily maker. THEY FIGHT CRIME!

Something about digging up Jung and Freud and making a cage out of their bones? He's just an excitable boy...

He's going to be a contestant on the new reality TV show, "America's Top Psycho."

Read Dianetics aloud on LA buses ('Cause the more you drive, the less intelligent you are. A lot o' people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch o' unconnected incidents 'n things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconsciousness.')

Saddened that he did not get cast as Daine in the City of Towers film... Tom is going to petition for the role of a "villain" in the story.  Tom says that he can't mention who just yet without giving anything away but he insists that he will bring strength and compassion to the role.

He's just keeping his eyes wide shut.

He's going to Disneyland (gotta look into that whole frozen-after-death thing!)

Give planetary access codes for our atmospheric security system to the aliens behind the Scientology scam.

get married to katie holmes on oprah. standing on the couch.

He will bear the child conceived of his "mating" with Katy Holmes, just to show Brooke Shields how is should be done.  It's the only reason he's even entering into this sham union with Katy.

Have Katie Couric's kneecaps broken for calling him "the conductor on the crazy train."

get his car and fiance` out of this bad neighborhood.

He's going to buy the movie remake rights to "The Rockford Files" and ruin that.

get divorced from katie holmes 8 months after he marries her. he'll serve her the papers in a fit of rage while standing on his living room couch.

I really don't know, but the IMDB says he'll be co-starring with Vin Diesel in a long-awaited remake of The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant.

It's not what Cruise would do you philistine bastard! It's "WHAT WOULD L RON DO?"

die miserably, i hope. something violent. and hopefully by the hand of scientology. or perhaps someone could drop a couch on him.

carry a miniature couch with him so that he always has one to stand on every place he ends up.

indoctrinate katie holmes into scientology, and then make her a slave in one of their scary "Sea Organization" labor camps in florida. as if dawson's creek wasn't punishment enough.

don't drink the blue dianetics-flavoured kool-aid! it'll brainwash you.

he'll star in a really bad action-packed remake of Plan 9 From Outer Space, make millions, and cause Edward D. Wood, Jr. to turn over, rise from his grave, and come to finally destroy hollywood once and for all for screwing with things they should have just left alone. enough is enough with these terrible remakes, already.

Our friend Tom is going to start a website extolling the virtues of various types of footwear.  He's put his foot in his mouth so often he's becoming quite the expert, and web design seems like a brand new application of his superior talents.

completely ruin the movie version of neuromancer.

catch mad cow's disease.

instead of answering questions, he'll laugh like a complete and total moron for the duration of every single interview he does from now on.

deciding that his stature in hollywood and the world cinema just isn't good enough, he'll go even more megalomaniacal than he is now : he'll write 'dioretix', start a city in the middle of nowhere, and wear magic underwear.

Follow the standard evolution of the action hero/teen idol. We are waiting for the comedy/action movie, and then the obligatory fade into irrelevance before he takes up politics, and campaigns for Scientology as the National Church.

Go to Disneyland!

Mud wrestle with Oprah and take it on tour!

Have a Doberman choke on Al Roker's fat fingers for calling him "rude."

An appearance on "Dinner for Five" with Ted Nugent, Denis Leary, Chris Matthews, and whoever else who might be able to make the little simp cry.

He'll write an apology to be printed in the New York Times for blaspheming the memory of the TV show "Mission Impossible" and the treatment of the character of Mr. Phelps.  If only so that my one-man boycott against his work finally comes to an end.

Push for private individual meetings with the G8 leaders - as well as with the Pope - and force the implant of "the Hubbardizer" into their ears while they're alone and he has them at his mercy.  Hey, if Bono could do it......

To show his support for Oprah, he'll go to the local A&P supermarket half an hour after it's closed and demand a shopping bag.

Gay cruise.

Cleverly worded wedding unvitation to Nicole.

He will declare his newfound animosity with the media is due to his visions from ?the-new-god.? The visions came to him in a cup of green tea while filing War of the Worlds. Henceforth he will work tirelessly to see that all are ready for the coming of the space people?.oh yes he also wishes to be addressed as ?The Tom?