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BAKER'S DOZEN--7/27/05

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE"?

Hermione is made of chocolate.

You Know Who does You Know What with He Who Must Not Be Named.

Hermione took levels in Rogue so she could spend the skill points on Knowledge skills.  Voldemort is killed by a sneak attack.

In a bizarre twist, Karl Rove reveals that Professor Snape is really an undercover member of the Order of the Phoenix.  Later denies any involvement but is heard muttering "that slimy git deserved it."

In a move to keep with the times, The Half Blood Prince changes his name to The Character Formally Known as the Half Blood Prince.

Ginny's a Cylon?!  

The boy's midichlorian count is almost as high as master Yoda's.

So, the kids are all about to graduate: what happens next? The way I see it, everyone moves to London. Luna Lovegood writes a column for the Tattler. With her love for books, Hermione becomes a high-powered wizarding lawyer with no time for relationships. Ginny Weasely wants to find true love. And that slut Lavender Brown? She's just looking for a good time.
"Snogging in the City" - it's gonna be big!

MAJOR SPOILER:  Harry wears little round glasses in this one.

That whole plot with Professor Slugworth trying to convince Harry to steal the secret recipe for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans seemed strangely familiar…

Apparently, French people are annoying.

After the driver of the Knight Bus is locked up on suspicion of being a Death Eater, the bus is replaced by the Knight Industries Two Thousand, better known as KITT. "Shall I engage the turbo boost, Harry?"

Prince?!  My copy sez, "Harry Potter & Half a Blood Sausage."  I hate you, China.

Hagrid Hagridden!

The secret of Voldemort's power is finally revealed: you can lose ten pounds in two weeks on the Death Eater Diet!

Finally, someone realized it was just easier to buy a gun and shoot Voldemort.  A shield charm ain't gonna save your ass from an AK-47.

Bullwinkle finally DOES pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Two words: Grape Snape.

Vast disappointment when Dumbledore finally reveals the truth about magic: It's all done with mirrors.

Professor Frink is the new Headmaster of RAAYYVENN!claw, mmmhuy.

I know people are saying that Rowling's position as one of the three richest people alive has affected her writing, but I don't see it. I mean, Harry's ALWAYS had gold in Gringott's. I think it's high time that we had a book focused entirely on the wizarding stock market.

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named attacks and kills a bookstore full of children eagerly awaiting the midnight release of the next Harvey Goethe book. I imagine there will be a bit of a drop-off in the attendance for the release of Book Seven.

Hermione turns out to be Ron, wearing a Scooby-Doo-esque rubber mask.  The reason they can appear together at the same time is credited to "magic", which is, in my opinion, a cheap cop-out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction were hidden in the Room of Requirement all along!

Harry's attitude in Order of the Phoenix was NOT caused by him being a normal fifteen-year-old boy but was instead caused by hyena possession. We'll have to kill him.

Wasn't it a bit too much that instead of simply staking Neville the Vampire, they ripped out his heart, bathed in his blood, and then cut off his head? Honestly. Children read these books.

Soylent Green is wizards!

Ron and Harry are invited to spend the holiday with Hagrid, but he gets killed and so the lads have to keep repositioning his body so that it looks like he's still alive.  Yeah, it's a rip-off of "Weekend At Bernie's", but it works, mate!

Harry likes to mix Wheatabix with the blood - it gives it texture.

The interactive, hidden sex scene unlocked from the book jacket.  

Let's just say you can't spell "Voldemort" without "Rove"...

Definitely the Chocolate Frog Factory.

JK Rowling's announcement that she'll be writing a prequel septology about Voldemort's time at Hogwarts - "The whole series really about the fall and redemption of Tom Riddle," she says.

R2D2 can fly!

Voldemort turns out to be Dumbledore! Didn't you even notice they were *never* in the same place at the *same* time?

Harry deciphers a strange glyph and finds himself face to face with the puny purple potentate. They proceed to party like it's 1999.

Karl Rove DIDN'T reveal the identity of the Half-Blood Prince.

JK Rowling writes herself a cameo appearance.  Gnaws her own leg off on page 43.

Hagrid gives "Care of Magical Creatures" lesson on one Bossy the Cow.

Ron's new animal companion is a rabbit.  Apparently without pancakes on its head.  Weekly Questioneers are dismayed.

Veronica Mars shows up undercover as a transfer student.

The revelation near the end that the next book will be called "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of NAMBLA".

Harry Potter takes a magical ceramics class, and discovers the truth of his own name.

The Wizard Dumbledore retires and leaves Hogwarts, only to be replaced by the Wizard Humperdinck.

J.K. Rowling writes herself into the book, as a character called "Bad Grammar Bertha".

That grown adults are actually taking these books seriously (they're for kids, people!).  Please don't kill me.

The other HALF eluded to in the title isn't blood at all, but a floor wax.
Or is it delicious dessert topping?

I know J.K. Rowling has said that each book would be more "adult" than the last, but I think "The Shower Scene" went too far.

That it does not in fact features a Yuan-ti sect, besides our great expectations ( which turned out to be a better book as well)

The biggest surprise? There are so many. I mean, finding out that Harry and Hermione are brother and sister, separated at birth and raised in hiding for their own protection. And who would have thought that Nobby the house elf is really a master wizard who trained Dumbledore? But to me, the biggest surprise was finding out that Voldemort is Harry's real father. Nooooooo! I'll never join you!

Harry CAN believe it's not butter.

That steamy locker room scene between Dobby and Moaning Myrtle.

The kids are all in class- The class action lawsuit that is! And Bertie Botts' is the target.
He'll rue the day he ever included Botulism, Ebola and Crunchy Frog in his famous "Every Flavor Beans"...

The anti-climax comes when Harry, having fought through many perils, finally comes to the lair of the half-blood prince, only to find one of those pesky bleeder European royalty chaps exsanguinating in the bath.

The tasty, tasty pudding.

The discovery of a wizarding college named "Unseen University."

What the OTHER half is.

"Potter, I am your father." "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

How good half blood, half cream tastes in coffee.

Fewer pages than the OED, but twice the calories!

The whole plot was air-lifted out of an episode of 'The Wild, Wild West' featuring Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

 

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