BAKER'S DOZEN--9/1/04

WHAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION?

The what, now?

Bush's promises to improve healthcare and education, to reduce our national dependence on oil, and to make our nation safer. I'm telling you, if we can just get this guy elected, we're going to see some real changes around here.

When Baphomet, devil of wrath, with flames and magma belching forth from his steaming gullet, bathed the delegates in his fury and anger.  What?  Zell WHO?

I was deeply touched when Arnold Schwarzenegger threw himself into the pit of molten steel to save the Republican party. He gave his life to save us, and he wasn't even human!

Frankly, I miss the guy from the DNC shouting, "Go balloons!  Go balloons!  Go go go go!!  I need more balloons!  Balloons balloons balloons!!  GO BALLOONS!!  WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE BALLOONS?!?  BALLOONS BALLOONS BALLOONS!!"

If you flipped back and forth fast enough between the coverage of Schwarzenegger's speech and the umpteenth History Channel documentary on World War II, you could make your own video version of "Triumph Of The Will".

I don't know about the highlight, but the low point was the utter failure to mention the 9/11 tragedy. Well, more than once every five minutes.

Special appearance by Iraqi soccer team telling story of how they emerged from their rubble strewn war torn country to become the world's sweethart Olympic underdog. Without all the war and rubble they would have just another 4th place finisher. "Thanks Mr. Bush for giving us the worlds hearts!"

Zell Miller proving once and for all why we don't want a democrat in the White House. Man, those guys are jerks!

All the fabulous incisive questioning from our fully independent media- the way they cut through the pandering, distortions and lies to and laid bare the greed, drug use, DWIs, oil company ownerships and hatred of the Constitution (and Geneva Convention). The media did that, right? I didn't watch it. Really? I just assumed.

The out of control traffic snarl-up caused by those trouble-making "Keep Left" signs.

Pataki's eerily prophetic statement: "Hope is on the way? More like HYPE is on the way!" Enjoy the next 60 days, folks.

The highlight?  The fact that they're finally getting the f*** out of town!

Too many pirates, not enough ninjas

The campaign buttons showing a GOP elephant with a pancake on its head.

The Bush Twins Bacchanale on Tuesday at Plato's.

I was struck by Zell Miller's resemblance to Dr. Zachary Smith.  All he needed was a small boy to clutch in front of him as he shouted, "Oh the pain!  The pain!"

Well, the Bush twins' "humorous" monologue was hard to keep your eyes off of.  Like a freaking train wreck.

That big guy with the square chin and the funny accent sure was amusing.  Who's he again?

I could barely stand the suspense leading up to the nomination. Who would they choose?!?

The mosh pit fer shure. Those Bush girls are soooo nasty!

I've heard some people say it was the strippers. But for me at least it was touching the Big Dick... Cheney I mean.

The distinct lack of brain-eating.

When Dick Cheney bit the head off one of the hecklers.  I was surprised he was able to stop after having just one.

I got confused - they were at Madison Square Garden; there were pictures of elephants everywhere; and yet I didn't see one single Barnum & Bailey pachyderm the whole week.  But boy howdy, were they shoveling that Jumbo-quality shit, you betcha!

Very disturbing to see all the delegates "assume the position" during Bush's speech and their droning response of "Thank you, Sir, may we have another four more years?  Four more years?"

That NY seems to have survived it.

When Rush Limbaugh joined with George W. Bush and "Big" Dick Cheney in a bold condemnation of rampant drug use and drunk driving!

The new RNC campaign to "Put the Hip back in Hypocrisy (and Hip Replacement)!"

The "technical difficulties" that caused all audience pans to pan over the slums of Harlem.

After voting for an anti-gay platform, delegates went out for complimentary musicals on Broadway.

So hard to decide between the weiner-roast, the three-legged race, the apple pie, the bathing-beauty contest or the lynchings. I guess I'd have to pick that fabulous pie.

The lack of John Kerry.

Well, the to-the-death grudge match between Rush Limbaugh and Arnold Schwarzenegger was fun

I think it would have been funny if the whole thing had been invaded by smurfs, but alas, yet another convention has passed with a dirth of the little blue guys

George Bush's enheartened plea to a nation to find out once and for all who is the culprit behind the squashing of little Timmy Miller's pudding cup

I liked the poetic justice of the part where Bossy the Cow got together with her crew and stampeded the hall full of Texans

If I had actually watched any of it, anyone near me would have thought I had Turret's Syndrome

The Zell Miller pudding cups.

The Tootsie Obamas were a big merchandizing success.

When Zell Miller's head erupted into flames.

Finding out that twenty years down the road, Dirk Diggler is now a straight-arrow rock-ribbed Republican delegate... but one who is willing to show off his elephant trunk.

When Zell Miller was revealed to be a Dark Lord of the Sith.

Ashcroft's beautiful but crack-throated rendition of Texas, Texas Uber Alles.

Goosestepping! It's not for Germans anymore!

The amenities to be found in Satan's skybox.

The Friday morning trip to Weehauken made by Zell Miller and Chris Matthews.

Everyone kept their pants on...thank God!!!

 

Click here to see the archives of past questions!