BAKER'S DOZEN--9/9/04

Where would fantasy be without its legendary swords? Where would Aragorn be without Anduril, or Elric without Stormbringer (and Prozac)? And what about the legendary hero of the Forgotten Realms, Drizzt Do'Urden, and his mighty blade... Twinkle? Well, Twinkle aside, we're creating our own fantasy heroes for the world of Eberron, so we need to know:

WHAT SHOULD WE CALL OUR MAGIC SWORDS?
 

Lucille.  Nah, forget that idea.  Who would ever name an object 'Lucille'?

The Cookie-Cutter of Keeblah

Forget the swords.  Antioch is having a sale on holy hand grenades!

I call it BushWhacker- One guess what it does...

Zell the Furious Georgia Avenger

I call mine a "glaive-guisarme", just to mess with peoples' heads. "That's not a…" WHACK!

We don't even have guidelines to name Warforged yet, and you want us to start naming swords?

You're not fooling anybody, you know.  Find some other elves to do your dirty work, Shoemaker!

In Japan, the hand can break wood. But it can't slice a watermelon golem! That's why I wield the mighty Ginsuvius! And because I acted swiftly, Hephaestus threw in this fine d'Ronco slicer-dicer and three pocket diaper steamers!

Elmer. It's got a wooden blade.

I don't know what you call your "magic sword", but mine is named Sir Whipperdipper. Damsels in distress are his speciality.

Oh, we're NAMING them now?  You know, sometimes a magic sword is just a magic sword....

Jellybean, or perhaps Frizzlegrizzle, or maybe Jumpin' Jehosaphat, or golly, there's just so MANY names I could come up with. Peasgood, Mordant, Fryswallow, Borkin's Bumbler, Quartzbottom, Shwartzengruber, Molly's Revenge, Zap, Blastenshotz, Widow's Tears, Helga's Hammer, Blargenfartzen, Mervyn's Ghost. I guess it would depend upon what its particular attributes were. Lemme see...

Another Goddamned Neutral-Good Drow Ranger's Primary Weapon Sword, nothing. What I need is a spatula. If only there was somewhere I could go for all my spatula needs...

Frodo left me the great singing sword Sting (though he was forged Gordon Sumner).

Whosoever draws forth this mighty blade from Little Timmy Miller's bookbag shall forever be known as the wielder of ... Cheesecutter!

Mr. Pointy

Norelcus

Fayret, the Garden Weasel

New Moon.  Piss off the Pinis.

Well, if Drizzt wields Twinkle and Icingdeath, how about Twinkie and Creamfillingdeath?

It doesn't matter what we call it, because it won't come when we call.

The name is Bob. Shiksa Bob. Oy!

Phallus

Over-Compensator

I wield the twin blades of Olsen, Merry Cut and Ashley. She's a +5 anorexic defender - on a critical hit, she cuts calories in half!

Dick Cheney

Splunge!

Well, my doctor calls them ballanital chancroids...  What?  Oh, I thought you said "magic SORES."  Nevermind.

Anything. Just don't call it late for slaying...

Timmy +2 to hit rate

Pointy End Up

Mr. Wogglebug shall smite the unbelievers. Bow before his might!

Snipper of Testicles

Uncle Willy's Pig-sticker

Bobo

The Thin White Duke

Mustafa.


* And the winner of this week's "Yeah… that'll work" award: *

Magic Swords are SO tediously medieval. I have a magic antiperspirant.
Her name is Princess Bunny Cadaver.


 

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