BAKER'S DOZEN--10/14/04

WHAT WAS THE BIGGEST SECRET OF THE 2004 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES?


Careful analysis of press events over the last two years reveals that the lump under Bush's jacket has been there ever since 9/11. That's right - we've finally discovered Dick Cheney's "Undisclosed Location."

MARY CHENEY IS A LESBIAN????  HOLY CRAP!!!!!!

Apparently, the "seven secret herbs and spices" are really just MSG. Damn you, Colonel Sanders!

Bush's smile, alarmingly tilted all evening, finally slid clean off his face.

An attempted assassination was narrowly averted when the pretzels were removed from the green room buffet.

25 INJURED BY KERRY HAND-GESTURES!

We've replaced America's presidential debates with a bipartisan press conference.  Let's see if viewers notice.

Turns out it IS pronounced "new-clee-ur" after all.

No matter who wins the election, he's a member of the Skull & Bones Club.

Jim Lehrer was not wearing pants.

Tom Cruise and John Travolta are gay...no, that's the biggest secret of Scientology. What? You'd heard that already? Dang!

It wasn't really a secret, but I enjoyed watching Kerry kill a VietCong with his bare hands.

According to exit polls, 73% of the audience believes that half-elves suck.
 
The battery packs that powered the Bush android were too obviously visible under the suit.  The battery packs were probably of American design, as Japanese models are far sleeker and compact.
The fact that the Bush android "bought American" impressed the undecided voters, who now figured the economy was headed for a decisive upswing.
That he was still an android and not the real Bush was dismissed as irrelevant.  "Android presidents are so much easier to tidy up after," observed one grandmother in a retirement community in Arizona, a swing state still up for grabs.  "None of those nasty stains on dresses like in the old days."

Line the bowl with butter, always use a warm spoon, and if it's an important event, buy it at Marks & Spencer.

According to the latest demographics, Bush is favored more by the "Less Filling" faction than he is by the "Tastes Great" contingent.

Whatever happened to Ross Perot? Is now secretly running the Botswanan Millionaire Society? (Which of course, brings us to the real question: Are there really millionaires in Botswana?)

Cut out of any role as a moderator in his last year as NBC anchorman, Tom Brokaw shot spitballs at Gwen Ifill from his vantage point.

How does Karl Rove do that trick where Bush talks while Karl is drinking a glass of water?

With his responses, Bush began implementation of his polysyllabic pogrom - the elimination of all words with more than one syllable.  Unless of course, they were words that he made up himself.

I wasn't sure it was the best outlet to debut that new "Vertigo" song by U2.

Kerry served in Vietnam!?!

Those animatronics keep getting better and better, don't they?

Which of his many mistakes Bush thinks are his biggest three.

If there really is some sort of dark conspiracy of ruthless men hidden at the very heart of our government, they sure are snappy dressers.

John Kerry insisted he be shot from below so that his chin looks even longer.

Bush's big plan for defeating al-Qaeda? A secret superweapon code-named "Twinkle."

Kodos & Kang.  Kinda hafta vote Nader now.  Although Kang said something about a Green & Tentacled Party...

Bulge in Bush's jacket: The new Saddam Hussein action figure (in humiliated, post capture prison tweeds).

If that's what Dick Cheney is usually like, how scary is he during the full moon?

Well, Tempe is in flaming ruins for one thing... oh, wait; that's just an ASU frat partying Boulder-style.

CNN coverage features zero autoerotic puns.  PBS, however...

Dan Rather revealed as surprise moderator and debate concluded as an episode of Punk'd!

If you'd just watch The Daily Show, you wouldn't have to ask this QOTW!

Soylent Bush is made of people!

The strange lump on Bush's back was actually a daelkyr implant.

If John Kerry's inconsistent position on Iraq was a secret before the debates, it sure isn't now!

Telepathy. Unfortunately, both parties are really, REALLY inept at using it.

Cancer Man wasn't allowed in!

The prophecy states that the Chosen One is due to arise soon! ... damn, where were we supposed to be looking again?

badger badger badger badger mushroom MUSHROOM!

Why does Kerry's wife always wear red? Have you ever heard of the cabin boy get me my brown pants joke?
 

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