|
BAKER'S DOZEN--11/16/05
WHAT'S THE BIGGEST
SURPRISE IN "THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE"?
The wardrobe malfunctions.
There’s no warforged. Huh? Oh, I thought it was “The Lion,
the Witch, and the Warforged.”
The fur coats in the wardrobe are white with black spots.
A PETA spokesman protests the treatment of Aslan in the film.
Then Aslan eats him.
When the tornado drops that big honkin' Wardrobe on Elphaba's
sister.
In order to expose the criminal activities of the White Witch,
young Lucy must go undercover at “The Beaver Dam”. But will she
give in to her own dark desires?
When a child develops an unfortunate addiction to Turkish
Delight, intervention doesn't usually take the form of vast CGI
battles.
All the product placements. “As a faun, I’m constantly
plagued by heartburn and acid reflux. How do I spell relief?
T-U-M… nus.”
Aslan has a pancake on his head.
The bizarrely retro soundtrack. I mean, Cyndi Lauper doing
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fauns?” Come on!
I don't remember the wardrobe getting the vanity in the book.
The strong antidrug message, showing the dire consequences of
getting, well, stoned.
It’s bad enough that the White Witch lays an unending winter
across Narnia. But the anti-dancing statute was just too much.
It’s bad enough that Edmund exposes the spy. But when we find
out that Jadis manipulated the evidence for winter in the first
place – shocking!
A Christian film not in Aramaic?
What's the world coming to?
The White Witch's ability to turn into solid diamond. I remember
her as a telepath, but this whole diamond thing...
The wardrobe gets more screen time then the lion and witch
combined!
You call THAT a wardrobe? I've seen better suits on a monkey!
Actually a documentary about New York Times reporter Judith
Miller called "The Lyin' Witch and Her Wardrobe".
He’s a spoiled schoolboy hooked on Turkish delight. She’s... uh…
a talking beaver. They fight crime!
The biggest surprise in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe is
when the Lion "comes out of the closet"
The four children are now siblings from Arkansas. And
their parents are brother and sister.
Throughout the movie there are references to the numbers 4,
8, 15, 16, 23, and 42.
No title change! Amazingly, 'The Lion, the Wicca practitioner,
and the old-fashioned Clothes Closet' didn't make the final
cut. Who uses a wardrobe nowadays? And they didn't go PC!
The Christian allegory in the story, combining the sacrifice
of Jesus with the search for weapons of mass destruction, is a
bit heavy-handed and over-played.
All the protestors: “No Wardrobe for Oil!”
The witch turns out to be Hermione Granger.
Mr. Tumnus' outfits are FAAAAABULOUS!
Turns out that it’s a bio-documentary about Siegfried and Roy.
They killed Kenny!
Fast Eddie Felson's pool-hall challenge to the Snow Queen.
An entire sequence from the book was excised in order to make
room for an old clip of Gene Autry singing by the campfire.
The first person the children meet in this strange new world
is J'edh, a poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed.
He takes a shot at them, thinking that they're food, when up
from the ground there rises a bubbling crude. Oil, that
is.....
Rip Taylor is the voice of Aslan.
It turns out a "Wardrobe" is a mythical creature with the head
of a
witch and the body of a lion.
By playing a wardrobe again, Joanne Worley is in danger of
being typecast.
In order to remind the audience that CS Lewis died on the
same day as JFK, the director staged one scene as an homage to
the Zapruder film.
Even though he appears in the movie as a satyr, Gene Shalit
doesn't recuse himself from reviewing it, declaring it "Boffo!"
When there's a bustle in the hedgerow and when the forest
echoes with laughter, the May Queen and the Snow Queen get it on
in a down-and-dirty catfight.
The cameo appearance by Ming The Merciless.
Most of the satyrs look like Nancy Walker.
The fur coats in the wardrobe have been replaced by the outfits
from Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
WETA does all the work, and Disney takes all the credit. No,
wait, that's not surprising.
All allusions to God are taken out and replaced with allusions
to Darwin. 'Cause you know the ACLU wouldn't accept it
otherwise.
It's been moved to Acapulco! "In the Copa, Copacabana..."
The fur coats in the wardrobe are splashed with red paint,
symbolizing the deaths of the animals of which they are made.
Aslan does it all out of Jewish guilt
The title refers to the hot threesome sex scene.
The whole "I'm melting! Meelllttttiiiiinnnnngggg...." thing.
Turkish Delight is NOT a sexual position. I looked it up.
I was just amazed that the Director got his old pal Shrek to
cameo as Jesus.
In this version, Aslan comes out of the "wardrobe" and admits
he's gay.
If you play all the parts of the bad guys backwards, it sounds
suspiciously like Arabic. This is a Christian allegory, right?
They wanted to call the world Ebordraw instead of Narnia, but
decided that was too close to an existing
D@D
game world. So they just turned it around and stuck it in the
title.
Instead of standing firm, Aslan caves to the White Witch,
withdrawing his armies and protection from the land of Narnia.
Edmund is killed, the other siblings are sold as slaves to the
Calormen, and the rest of the series is *shot.
The
title refers to the hot threesome sex scene.
Click here to see the archives of
past questions!
|
