When, despite all our warnings, that damn kid shot his
eye out.
The astonishing revelation that the president authorized
the use of Secret Santas within the USA.
Camp followers. Who knew?
The tragic proliferation of nuclear mistletoe.
When the amazon queen, Hippolyta, emerged from her army
to offer an olive branch and a pledge of free two-day
shipping for only $79 a year.
Let’s just say that Saint Valentine played the “I’ve got
a massacre and you don’t” card one time too often at
Saint Nick’s Christmas party.
Santa failing to deliver presents on Christmas Day;
apparently, he was off on a business trip in “Narnia.”
Like we believe that.
Discovering the "Three Wise Men" are being held at
Guantanamo Bay where it's alleged their Gold,
Frankincense and Myrrh were flushed down a toilet
sparking riots.
Every time a car bomb explodes, an angel gets 70
virgins.
The
revelation that the “Grinch” was actually a diminutive
form of “Mr. Goodwrench.” Damn you, corporate America!
Mithras coming back and smiting the living shit out of
all these holiday-usurpers.
Served 'em right I say.
What
sort of a terrorist would stoop to poisoning the
mistletoe!?! What? It’s always been poisonous? What kind
of a stupid tradition is that?
That red on Rudolf's nose? Dancer's blood.
Saving Private Enterprise!
Some liberal BASTARD schmooshed little Baby Jesus's
pudding cup!
All those young muslim Hoos rioting and burning cars in
Hooville.
When Congress outlawed the use of the word
"ChrismaHanaKwanzaka" based on the assumption that it
undermined the importance of Christmas by mixing it with
"less popular" holidays.
We have clear and credible intelligence that Saint
Nicholas was once the patron saint of pawnbrokers, and
out analysts are fairly certain that he is working on
weapons of mass consumption to drive us all even further
into debt.
The Fox Holiday Party was renamed the Fox Christmas
Party because the Jew had other commitments.
When Dick Cheney told George W. Bush that there was no
Santa Claus.
When
that punk Rudolph went postal in Santa’s worshop. He
always seemed like such a quiet reindeer.
Israelis and Palestinians throwing rocks at each other
and shouting "My
Ramadan can beat up your Chanukah!"
This week on CSI: North Pole –
Grissom: “From what we can tell, Claus choked on this
small clay object. Catherine, take it back to the lab
and make a mold today…”
Catherine: “… and when it’s dry and ready, with dreidel
I will play.”
The Valley of Red Snow, as it was known after, beheld
much violence between the die hard carolers and the
better armed Scroogists who were mostly kids whose
parents bought drugs with their Christmas money.
The exploding "Happy Holidays" tree ornaments never made
it to their intended targets of the Christian Right due
to the alertness of the U.S. Postal Service (and their
lack of holiday colors!), but the Liberal press, of
course, buried the event completely. You didn't hear
this from me!...
When Fox News sensationally announced that it was WAR on
Christmas backed by reliable Bush Administration
officials who had proof of Santa’s Secret Stash of WMDs!!!
Santa Corleone putting Rudolf''s severed head in Michael
Moore's bed.
Bill O'Reilly's war machines were suddenly
silenced. They say it was microbes - I think it was the
clap.
The epic battle between "Christ tastes great", and
"Christ is less filling!"
I had NO idea that those wafers could be used as
throwing stars!
Bill O'Reilly's murderous purge of "the traitorous Claus
Family and their associated mud-people". I guess that's
"elves" to you and me.
For the first time since the Great depression, the part
of Jesus was played by a mere 40 watt lightbulb...
Crushing the Viking Phalanx, er.... um, Phallus in New
Windsor:
http://www.recordonline.com/archive/2005/12/14/news-jdsnowball-12-14.html
The search for weapons of mass destruction at the North
Pole proved - ah, who am I kidding? I got nothin'.
Santa finally outed as Satan.
Alright, I guess we all saw it coming.
But still...
I'd have to say Bill O'Reilly's baby-Jesus grenade
launcher, sending a
barrage of Nativity Jesuses into heathen Democratic
enclaves.
Finding out that using evergreen boughs as decorations
in your home,
lighting green, red and white candles, and holly
branches are all pagan
traditions.
Ted Kennedy actually put down his drink.
