BAKER'S DOZEN--8/25/04

WHAT'S NEXT FOR THE IRAQI SOCCER TEAM?

Isn't it obvious?  We're going to Abu Disney!

"Dating" Madonna.

In the spirit of the US election, a group called "Iraqi Soccer Players for Truth" has been televising a series of commercials. "I played with midfielder Salih Sadir," says one, "and he is lying about his Wednesday night goal against Morocco."

No one has the heart to tell them they have to return to Iraq.

The team stars in "Bend It Like Moktada al-Sadr", a madcap romantic comedy about one girl's obsession with the ayatollah of rock'n'rolla!

Their picture will grace a box of Hummus Flakes, the breakfast of martyrs.

MOAG: The Mother Of All Goals!

Unfortunately it's not as wacky as the Jamaican bobsled team, so a Hollywood comedy is out.

They get what every collaborating Iraqi gets- to go home, rebuild their houses, bury their loved ones and work for Halliburton. Is Iraq a great country or what?

Muqtada al-Sadr and the American authorities sign a treaty to give control of the Imam Ali shrine to whichever side wins a football game.  Unfortunately, U.S. diplomats overlooked the fact that "American Football" appeared nowhere in the document.

After witnessing their ruthless oppression of their opponents, the US has no choice but to launch a preemptive strike.

Can anyone say "Shaolin Soccer II"?

Well, according to http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/olympics/2004/writers/08/19/iraq/ the answer is "fighting American soldiers."

Well, now that they've all been made Republicans, there's nothing left but becoming born again, houses in Houston, and trophy wives (whether they want them or not!)

They're going to Disneyland! Because when you're illegal immigrant cabbies in Florida, you go there a lot...

Is it just me, or is a remake of "The Bad News Bears" a sure thing?

I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it will end with a roll of Mentos and a cheesy grin.

A little game of human chess.

The warden at Abu Ghraib wants them to play a little scrimmage with his guards.......

When your country is invaded and brought under the heel of jackbooted thugs, and you and your teammates are shown in advertisements for your oppressors, there's really only one thing to do-  Run like hell!

A boot to the head!

Put in charge picking Terror Color du Jour!

Celebrity Boxing with Tonya Harding!

"Undisclosed Location" my ass - if that coach isn't Dick Cheney, I'll eat my hat.

They'll get to see "The Producers" on Broadway, but without Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick, it's no big thing.

A year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat!

 

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