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Question of the Week 2/14/04:
WHAT CAN WE DO TO BOOST THE VALUE OF THE US DOLLAR?
Frankly, how can
we compete against cooler-named currencies like the guilder, the dinar, the
rupee, or the kroon? I suggest we change the name to something that
typifies America in the eyes of the world. How about "the Elvis"?
Solvent Green. It's people. Have audio-wire strip installed in bill: "I'll buy that for a dollar!" Let's think about who's ON the money. We should swap that ambitious blond poseur Alexander Hamilton for that ambitious blonde poseur Madonna. Spread nasty rumors about viral infections to be transmitted by other world currencies: The pound gives you scurvy. The lire gives you leprosy. The Irish dollar gives you brewer's droop. The peso gives you Montezuma's revenge. The kronar gives you crotch rash. Well, we could recolor it with a new design that makes it look like it was soaked in water and then left out in the sun for a week. What? You don't think that would help? Maybe the dollar's value would rise if we stopped spending it on crap. Let it be known that five specially marked dollar bills will gain five lucky recipients access to the Wonka Chocolate Factory. Reduce the federal budget deficit and the trade deficit. Then slowly increase interest rates so that the US becomes more savings-conscious. That, or invade a country with a strong economy so we can steal it. It's no use, son. Take that dollar out back and shoot it. Point out how much better it looks in a stripper's G-string than other currencies. For every dollar someone trades in, give 'em an iTunes song... oh... wait.... Well, if we performed the ritual correctly, we'll soon be able to call our dollars zombie presidents. MUA HA HA HA HA! Maybe in the next bill-printing, George Washington could have a "wardrobe malfunction." Create a national holiday in conjunction with Hallmark called "Take Your Dollar to the Mall Day" I'm sure our twenty can lure the Euro to a supposed treaty negotiation and then backstab it. There's only one way to save our troubled dollar: we're just going to have to hold a bikini carwash. But first, let's have a pillowfight in our underwear! Have George Washington's eyes follow you across the room. Is the dollar ready for Cialis? Green is in for spring! Testostazin! New - Crystal Dollars! Money designed by Andy Warhol! Flood the market with counterfeit Euros. Replace pictures of presidents with pictures of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. Either that, or start electing hot chicks as president--not that this seems likely for 2004. (The question of "Who would you like to see in a swimsuit less--John Kerry or George W. Bush?" makes the mind reel.) Sell Canada back to Great Britain. What? It isn't? Well do the Brits know that?!? How about a new marketing campaign: "THE DOLLAR: Because those froo-froo Euros are for Francophonic pansies!" Take Andrew Jackson off of the $20 bill. How'd he get on the money anyway? Add gold leaf made from actual gold. Damn it! I'm a doctor, not an economist! Pretend that most unpopular fascist governments aren't counterfeiting our 20s. Oh wait. we already pretend that... Boosting the US dollar is hard. It's much easier to simply insult and put down other forms of currency to feel better about our own. We could try putting our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone, pulling up our bootlaces, tightening our belts, and other cliches like those. I'm just wondering what our next president's kitchy catch phrase is gonna be is all... Well, I have this jack, see, and then we, uh, oh. I guess that won't work. That "state quarters" thing worked pretty well. How about we do a series of dollar bills featuring the pictures of totalitarian dictators we've deposed? Sexier subliminal images than some hidden animals, fer Chrissake. Un*leeeess*... Create a new program like the Work Progress Administration or the Civilian Conservation Corps. Only, this time, build something useful like the biggest mall in the world, or an even BIGGER ball of twine. Let's look at whatever the Italians did with the Lire and do the opposite. Er, give 'em to me. I've got a ...plan. Yeah, that's the ticket. Do your part to rebound the economy by following these simple steps: Step 1) Get a pen, Step 2) Draw in three (or more) zeroes behind the numeral printed on the bill, Step 3) Spend, spend, spend! I know! I know! We put an embargo on the entire rest of the world, and only trade our dollars for what we set as the price. Oh God, I hope "They" don't read this. "They" just might try it!! Bail out Disney. Hey, they did it for the airlines, where are our priorities here? Whatever you do, just don't back off from the silver standard. Don't hang me on a cross of gold! Think what disaster it could mean for Colorado's prosperous silver mining towns. Set fire to the trees. Hey, it supposedly worked for the Golgafrinchans. Go to all the gold depositories in the world except Fort Knox, and irradiate them. For use in other countries only: Special inks used on the dollar bill that seep into the skin and make one dependent on American currency. Replace portrait of George Washington with Janet Jackson's right breast. RESISTANCE IS USELESS! *And, in the "Two for One" category…* We're going to create the first "collectable bill game," with all the major players in the administration on them (Bush, Rove, NRA). The bidding for the super rare "Black Lotus Vice President's Undisclosed Location" should keep the dollar on the charts for months... Given where Keith works, I would think the answer's obvious: come out with collector's edition dollars, commission new pictures by various artists, distribute versions in packs of 10 with rare, uncommon, and common versions inside, and finally... the coup-de-resistance, do a deal with Bandai to produce limited run DOLLar Action Figures.
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