Question of the Week 04/17/03:

4/17/03:  This week's question!

This week, we've decided to do something bold and different. We're looking away from the depression of daily life. We're looking towards a new future. And to that end, we have the following Statement of the Week (SoW):

TELL US ABOUT YOUR SCREENPLAY!


'Tis a tale of sound and fury. For Warner Bros.

Well, since "The Piano" and "The Pianist" both did so well, I'm thinking about a movie about that little bench you sit on while you're playing.

Enough with waiting already! It's experiential! It's existential! It's "Godot vs. Guffman" in a fight to the finish!

It's a modern look at an old classic. See, Doctor Jekyl isn't really drinking a chemical formula, he's drinking new Pepsi Twist. And he's not really Doctor Jekyl, he's Mister Hyde. The product placement dollars alone will make me rich beyond my wildest dreams!

Oh, come on. This year alone, we're getting sequels to Lord of the Rings, the Matrix, Charlie's Angels, Fast & the Furious, and many many more. So don't you think it's about time someone made a sequel to "Deliverance"?

Steven Segal dies by page seven.  Nuff said.

It's "Barton Fink"… on ice!!!

Haley Joel Osmont stars as young Hannibal Lecter. It's a "boy eats girl" story.

It's about ponies. Everybody wants ponies.

It's a remake of "The Fugitive". Harrison Ford stars as a bunch of weapons of mass destruction, racing all around the Middle East in an attempt to stay one step ahead of Tommy Lee Jones.

It's about a guy who discovers that his whole world is an artificial construct inside an Apple II computer. I'm calling it "The Dot Matrix."

"Rosemary's Baby." It's a documentary about the domestic life of the Floyds. It's a niche market, but I think it will do well at Cannes.

Okay,  so, it's like The Hours meets Tomb Raider.  And there are a bunch of Nazis. And maybe some symbolic flaming arrows that the lesbian chicks use to defeat all the evil men who ruin their lives, and also the Nazis, while they find nifty artifacts and plan parties.

It features the wacky antics of the Iraqi Information Minister.

It's a movie about Santa Cthulu!  The title is "You'd Better Watch Out"...

Andy Dick and Thomas Jane are cast in this romantic reality-TV-movie that brings screenplays back to basics. See them run. Run men run!

Oh, I could tell you.  But then I'd have to kill you.  Which is basically what the whole plot is about anyway.  "One Small Keith To Kill".  Damn!  I gave it away!

It's a Matrix meets Sponge Bob concept. We've got the toy line ready to go.

It's thick and quite absorbent and is making an excellent coaster.  Shame about the coffee cup rings though.

It's "The Lord of the Rings" meets "Charlie's Angels", but the plot is lifted from "My Dinner with Andre."

Mystery Science America 2003 - In act one, we find that Earthly democracy is effectively over, and the military industrial complex (in the hands of Doctors Strangelove and Forrester) has taken full control. And 3 lucky American  "thought-criminals" will be sent into the safety of a decaying orbit, and made to watch newsreels of home. In act 2 their insouciant gibes, and lovable antics are broadcast illegally to a grateful world. In act 3 they are "cancelled" with extreme prejudice.

A noted film director (played by real-life "director" George Lucas) is captured by his grotesque, rabid, and foul-smelling fanbase, and held hostage in a strange blue room. The fans demand radical rewrites, and re-editing of his recent films. For each refusal, part of his body is removed and replaced with a "virtual body part". Like his own recent oeuvre, It's not a pretty sight.  I'll either call it "Boxing George" or "Out of our Misery".
Oh, and nobody rescues George at the end either...That would send the wrong message.

A guy... A girl... The Universe... no, wait, that's the original trailer for Star Wars.

A movie that will do for folk what Spinal Tap did for rock.  What do you mean it's taken?  (http://amightywindonline.warnerbros.com/index.php)

Well, you see, there's a kid whose name is Larry Cotter. And, when he turns 11, he finds out he has special mutant powers and he's going to a special school for other mutants, and he gets to leave the home of his awful non-mutated relatives. But, the non-mutated people hate all the mutants and want to stop them from having a school. But, Larry and his friends Don and Iphigenia, figure out the secret of the hidden treasure in the school, and save the school from the non-mutated nameless ones.

You mean the screenplay about me?  In the end I get the girl and the money and I'm played by Tom Welling.  That's non-negotiable.

Actually, I'm working on Scooby-Doo, 3! These things write themselves! All you need is a few Scooby Snacks

Narcolepsy! - The Musical

In my new epic (in French, subtitled) "Uncle Hulot takes Monster Island", you (the viewers) will decide which is more dangerous, a virtual Jacques Tati, or his new animatronic friends - Mothra, Ghidra, The Smog Monster and Megalon.

It is an amusing romp in which Star Trek Next Generation's Wesley Crusher (played by the out-of-work Wil Wheaton of course) attempts to release his mother and the rest of the STNG crew from the Nexus, which they have obviously been trapped in ever since the movie Generations. Unfortunately, their sojourn in the Nexus won't have kept them from aging the... what is it?... 15 years in the meantime.

But, but... if I *tell* you, you'll steal it!

Kittens, kittens, everywhere!  Bouncing off the ceilings!  Chewing on the power cords... oh, wait, nevermind.

It'll be great!  It's about watching paint dry...

Tentacle monsters!

Oh yeah? Like I'd tell you. Sneaky-thieves.

It's going to be about the life of the universe, from the Big Bang until now.  Uncut.

Today's script is from the point of view of a bipolar schizoaffective patient who doesn't believe any of the story is actually happening to him - but goes along with it because he's bored. Tomorrow, I think he's barking at a potato bug.

  Last Week's Question       Next Week's Question

This Week's Question          View the Archives       Keith Baker Home