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Question of the Week 5/4/04: Here at the Question of the Week, we hate to miss an opportunity to hop on a ridiculously overhyped media bandwagon, so we just have to ask:
WHAT WILL BE
THE BIGGEST SURPRISE ON THE SEASON FINALE OF FRIENDS?
I've promised not to reveal any plot details, but my sources tell me there will be ads for a new sequel series called "Enemies." "I'm George W. Bush, and I approve this episode of Friends." From the theme music to the final credits - Esperanto! It's a locked-room murder mystery in Monica and Chandler's apartment, where Janice is now just a chalk outline. In a major network blunder, the "Friends" finale on NBC becomes the pilot for CBS' "CSI: New York". Joey gathers his confreres together, and before an expectant live audience announces: "Friends, you're fired!" Their colossal and inexpensive Manhattan digs will be forfeit when rent-control is voted down, and more than 17 immigrant families will take their places and spawn the inevitable sequel "To Absent Friends". A startled Bob Newhart awakens to find Phoebe, Rachel and Monica surrounding him on his round vibrating bed in the Playboy mansion. The audience is shocked when King Lear banishes Phoebe, dividing his entire kingdom between Rachel and Monica. Furious at not being invited to Phoebe's wedding, Eris sows discord among the friends. Will Joey give the golden apple to Monica, Phoebe, or Rachel? In a shocking twist ending we learn that Marcel the Flying Monkey has been watching it all in the Wicked Witch of the West's crystal ball. The Red Cross embarrasses NBC by saying that the show could be considered to be a form of torture. The president of NBC explains that it was all the work of a few bad actors. The finale is one giant promo for the new show "Joey", in which Joey Tribbiani unknowingly transmits an STD to a different guest star each week. They all get hit by a bus! Nobody watches. Oh, the whole naked-humiliation-and-unconscionable-torture-and-freaky-black-masks footage. But enough about the appearance of a second Ross-&-Rachel sex video... Whitesnake plays Central Perk and there's a problem with the pyrotechnics… After Ross says "unless we're on a break," Rachel breaks him. 100% commercials. Oddly, the green ones don't make any of them horny Chandler is pregnant! Ross pulls off a latex mask and wig to reveal he's actually a man.... Bob Wright, CEO of NBC, comes stumbling onto the set, drunk off his ass, sobbing, "...please, PLEASE don't leave me... I'll can do better, I promise!" Matt LaBlanc suddenly stands up, raises his middle finger to the audience, and says, "I'm worth millions, so you can take your reviews of Lost in Space and shove them up your ass!" The coffee at Central Perk is replaced by flavored crystals. Courtney, Jennifer, and Lisa all pull "a Janet." They're all involved in a horrible car accident, and slowly bleed to death while the cast of Seinfeld mocks their plight. Jack Black and Janeane Garafolo wake up to realize Friends was all a dream. How do you say ménage-a-six in French? Joey finds big screen fame portraying former porn star "Not So Little" Ricky Ricardo. In a naked human pyramid, of course. All ten seasons were just one long dream for Marcel the Monkey. The whole world explodes Joey and Phoebe make love. Joey discovers the inspiration for "Smelly Cat". Gunther pulls up an Uzi from behind the counter at Central Perk and screams "If I can't have Rachel, nobody can!" before spraying the place with bullets, killing all six friends. Joey makes love to Caroline. He does it in the City. Ursula Buffay kills her twin sister Phoebe and takes her place as Mike's wife. Joey makes love to that girl, Ann Marie. The mp3 of "Smelly Cat" triggers a computer virus upon download which destroys the Internet. Joey sleeps with Meadow Soprano. Joey's best line (coming up for air): "So this is what sleeping with the fishes means!" Older and wiser, the six friends move on - from Central Perk to Duffy's Tavern. Joey teams up with Tony Banta to screw Elaine Nardo in the back of her cab. Alex Rieger suffers fatal coronary while driving his taxi and slams it through the window of the coffee-shop, killing Monica instantly. Chandler has a snappy comeback line at the ready. Joey beds Rhoda Morgenstern. Taking the advice of her mother, he uses the Quicker Picker Upper to clean up after. Ross clones long-dormant dinosaur DNA and unleashes a pack of velociraptors during a visit by the President to the opening session of the United Nations. Hilarity ensues. Joey has a foursome with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. He's proclaimed the new Mr. Big. Monica experiences an "artificial breast malfunction". Joey ends up in a threesome with Hildegarde and Buffy, only to find out that they're actually two guys named Henry Donovan and Kip Wilson. He beats the shit out of them. To everyone's shock and surprise, we finally discover that the friends are made out of people. THEY'RE PEOPLE!
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