Question of the Week 05/10/03:

5/10/03:  This week's question!

So, you die, and you go to Hell in a handbasket. Instead of putting you on Taco Watch (sorry, old joke), they strap you down in a movie theater. Here you are forced to watch the worst movies ever, whether or not they were actually made. Not only will you have to watch Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopex in "Casablanca", you'll have to see them again in "Casablanca 2: Casablanca with a Vengeance." So we want to know:

WHAT MOVIES ARE PLAYING IN YOUR PERSONAL HELL?

"My Dinner with Andre" - only the characters are replaced by the little girls from "The Ring" and "The Exorcist". Pea soup, anyone?

"William Howard Taft - The Musical" starring Louie Anderson

(Not to be confused with the excellent sequel, "Taft in Africa." Shut yo' mouth, Mr. President.)

No movies at all - just those annoying commercials they show before the picture starts

All I'm saying is, "Caligula" has nothing on BLUESTAR…

Something featuring Adam Sandler, the guy from Jackass, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor (today) and Keanu Reeves as the Shakespearian actor, script by John Travolta and direction by a high school student who has just discovered the "on" button. Rated X.

The movie of hell? Thats easy. Kangaroo Jack. Playing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over…

Strom Thurmond: Uncut.

Well, now that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have Casablanca in the bag, I'm looking forward to seeing their future work in Hell. Gone With the Wind, Citizen Kane, Star Wars - you can't go wrong with Ben and J.Lo!

I don't know about the movies, but I know they're shown in a theater where the film breaks, melts, and then gets clumsily spliced together; the staff is slow, rude, and unhelpful; the snacks are not only overpriced but stale; rats run along the sticky floor; and you never get a refund.  Oh, my mistake; that's the old UA theater at Arden Fair mall.

VR-1 Crossroads, the movie based on the excellent text-based roleplaying game that never saw the light of day. What's so bad about that, you ask? Well, did I mention that it's a musical starring Britney Spears?

I've died and gone to Hell.  I find myself tied to a chair and my eyelids pried open and my head positioned so that I can never look away from the screen. And I am forced to watch - for eternity! - the Rob Lowe sex video... only his partner is not an underaged girl from Atlanta.
It's my Mom.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
But at least I get free refills on my Diet Coke.

Jurassic Park: The Barney Edition

The important thing is that it all has commentary. No, I don't mean from the director or actors. It's all by the comic store owner from the Simpsons, who's sitting right behind you.

Lord of the Ring… Naomi Watts as Arwen touches the ring of power, has only one week to throw it into the crack of doom before she dies.

"Heaven Can Wait… A Really, Really Long Time"

"Katie Couric's Colonoscopy - in 3D!"  (with your tour guide, the Caddyshack gopher)

Well, You Are Dead

Home movies from Heaven - see what you're missing!

Charles In Charge, Redux.

Carrot Top as Ghandi

"Footsie" - the animated adventures of Imelda Marcos' shoes as they make an incredible journey through the Phillipines to battle terrorism

Gumnaam (look it up on the IMDB if you doubt me. Go ahead. I double dog dare you)

The Frank DeCaro body-waxing instructional video

Hmmm, which is worse: Ronald Reagan in Casablanca or its namesake White House?

"The Horse Whisperer" starring Gumby and Pokey.  No, wait!  That wouldn't be so bad.  In fact, that might have been better.  Okay, so it's the original version that's playing in Hell!

The three movies in which Harvey Keitel "graced" us with full-frontal nudity.  Only Keitel has been re-cast with Carrot-Top.

They've pinned my eyes open and are forcing me to watch every Malcom
McDowell movie EXCEPT Clockwork Orange.  I feel nauseous....

Depends on which circle you're in.  For example, the Lustful in Circle 2 are
forced to watch "Beethoven IV: Breeding Beethoven!"  The Suicides in Circle
7 must view "Manos: The Hands of Fate" and its three never-filmed sequels.
The Counterfeiters on Circle 8 have to see Steven Spielberg's "A.I.", having
been granted a vision of the film Stanley Kubrick would have made.  And what
about those Traitors in the Ninth and last Circle?  It's endless screenings
of "Point Break" for them.  "Brody, I am an F... B... I... AGENT!"

All the classics -- Citizen Kane, Maltese Falcon, My Fair Lady, The
Godfather, Wizard of Oz, Singin' In the Rain, 2001: A Space Odyssey,
Streetcar Named Desire, Rear Window, and more -- all starring Alec Baldwin
and Andie MacDowell... AS THEMSELVES!  "Open the pod bay doors, Andie..."

Quest for Camelot.  Repeatedly.

Starship Troopers, with the commentary.

Mission To Mars II: Purchase Policy of No Returns

Eddie the Eggwhite Presents: How Mayonnaise Is Made!

Oh, that Three's Company thingie would probably be in there.  I mean, how could it not?

Jerry Bruckheimer's Because Science Was Begging For It! 

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

Food of the Gods

Showgirls

Attack of the Clones

Nope. No movies. Just previews.

Swept Away: The unedited version

Michael Jackson's home videos

Fiend Without a Face

Il Pianeta Errante aka Planet on the Prowl

Charlie's Angels

E.T.

"Eternal Torments Of The Rich And Famous"

It is a documentary of my high school years. Without the drugs.... ARGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

* And from Greykell…*

Pretty darned obvious if you think about it:  Disney's Escape From New York, Kurt Russell as Dexter Riley, a dimpled college student with a penchant for getting into trouble.  He's tossed into a hellish prison city with a mission to rescue the president of the U.S.  Luckily he's the Strongest Man in the World, can turn invisible and has a brain like a computer.

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