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Question of the Week 5/21/04:
Due to faulty
modems and illness, we're a little behind the times. Nonetheless,
this week we want to take a look at the first of the summer blockbusters.
"Van Helsing" offered revived three of the great monsters of movie and
literature -- Dracula, the wolfman, and Frankenstein's Monster -- in one
action packed and highly hyped extravaganza. And yet, the critics have
almost universally despised it. So we want to know:
WHAT WENT WRONG WITH "VAN HELSING"? It failed to secure the lucrative "Frankenberry" tie-in. They should have stuck with the original script, in which Van Helsing fought Elvira, the Bride of Frankenstein, and Nastassja Kinski from "Cat People". People thought it was a sequel to "Van Wilder". It was just the work of a few bad peasants. No, Dracula is not going to resign, and in fact, I think that Transylvania owes him a debt of gratitude. Verne Troyer as "Mini-Drac". Too much Helsing, not enough Vans Isn't Dracula getting a little long in the tooth? Smaller, scrappier Van Helsing just didn't cut it. The "Hang In There" kitty poster in Frankenstein's laboratory was very distracting. I know product placements are the mainstay of any movie, but I had a hard time with the whole "how Dracula eats a Reese's peanut butter cup" thing. All those subliminal messages in which the Wolfman told me that I should kill you. Final cut excluded the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys. They should have capitalized on Jackman's Broadway success with Van Helsing performing a big musical number in sexy, sequined calypso outfit. I thought it was a little odd that Dracula's Brides were Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe. Why, oh WHY couldn't Van Helsing have dispatched Mike Meyers as the Cat In The Hat while he was at it? The promise of Pauly Shore as Renfield was never delivered. Where the heck was Elvira? I was rather disappointed to find out that Dracula was just old man Withers from the amusement park. Okay, I can buy Professor Moriarty being M and maybe as the 'Fantom' as well. But having Moriarty also be Dracula was really pushi-# Wait - they were separate movies? Oh. Never mind...... We want our Mummy! Dutch names never make for movie success - If they did you'd all know Van Rambo, Citizen Van Kane, The Trouble with Van Harry, and Van ET. The sub-titles in pig-latin. The big fight scene with Anita Bryant should never have been cut. That whole "unless we're on a break" line. America just isn't ready for a demon musical set in a delivery van. All of Dracula's brides looked like Ally McBeal after a big lunch. It really needed the stylistic homage to the Zapruder film after all.... Would a visit by Gort have been so difficult? The product placement was irritating. Especially since I think Mr. Hyde would have preferred M&Ms over Reese's Pieces. Wolverine and Faramir could kick Dracula's ass with 3 arms tied behind their backs. The secret to Captain Faramir's longevity. No X-ray glasses provided for viewing Kate Beckinsale. Sammy Hagar ~ Duh! Vampires suck, and those that hunt them suck even more. The coach's leap across the chasm should never have been filmed in superanimation like 'Fireball XL-5'. All the villains were selected from the reality show "American Monster". Too many pirates, not enough ninja. Did we really need to see the Viagra tablets by Dracula's bedside? I just didn't find the Duke credible as the Count... Where's that lovable hunk Brendan Fraser? What's next for Roxburgh? The role of Hugh Hefner? I couldn't shake the feeling that 100 years down the road in this particular movie universe, "The Gnome-Mobile" lies in wait......
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