Question of the Week 06/18/03:

There comes a time in every show's life when the old routine runs out of steam and something needs to be done to reenergize it and keep the viewers interested. Fonzie jumped the shark. Buffy died (again). Scooby Doo got a smaller, scrappier cousin. So we want to know:

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO REVITALIZE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT?

How about replacing all of the top government officials with sassy talking babies? That way if we ever did anything stupid, like starting a war or alienating the UN, we could just say "C'mon, guys, they're just babies."

Make all politicians wear the logos of their corporate sponsors, just like NASCAR drivers.

We need a Department of Meddling Kids. "What's that? The Commander in Chief was actually old man Bush, who wanted to scare people away so he could look for buried black gold beneath Iraq?"

What we need is a Democratic Party that can stop playing the Washington Generals to the Republicans' Harlem Globetrotters... if for no other reason than there should never be a viable comparison between the Republicans and the Harlem Globetrotters.

Well, given that this "undisclosed location" stuff is just a cover for the fact that Dick Cheney died of a heart attack years ago, I think it's time for a smaller, scrappier vice-president.

Now, now, there's no real point in all this talk about revitalizing our government.  Things are just fi--what did you say?  A little girl is losing her faith in democracy??

What really gets me hot is the thought of someone shooting Ronald Reagan. Of course, I'm Jodie Foster.

Nothing.  During this phase of the Truth Cycle, it is imperative for the American culture bloc to remain vitiated, enabling the ascendance of the European Experiment and the self-destructive culmination of the popularly-described "United Nations," in order to swing the mood of the masses to one of globalistic dependence and insecurity.  What?  Why, yes, I am the Bavarian Illuminati.

Frankly, if oral sex in the Oval Office don't do it, nothing will.

Replace Bush with a clone of former president William Taft. What's not to like about a president who eats a pound of bacon every day? Talkin' 'bout TAFT!

Don't ask me.  I'm the guy who came up with Ross Perot.

Why don't we elect a real hero, like Private Jessica Lynch? At least she's actually GONE to war… (http://www.hereinreality.com/commander.html)

A sponge bath for Strom Thurmond and he'd be ready to run again!

Blame Canada - it's a policy with a kick-ass theme song . . .

Create an extreme splinter government, the XUSA, which'd solve all political disputes with boarding, mountainbiking, and surfing competitions on C-SPAN, not to mention wiping out our trade deficit solely through Mountain Dew imports.

I believe that something real Old-Testament is required at this juncture. I'm thinking of a burning Bush...

The Democrats could come out fighting with a strong leader, a progressive platform, and sharp, meaningful criticisms of the current administration.  They could also bring Senator Wellstone back from the dead to run for President--he got the most votes for the Senate campaign despite being dead, and I don't think given the current field he would be at a serious disadvantage.  I mean, hell, how can you say something bad about a dead guy?

Jesse Ventura in a no-holds-barred grudge match with his gubernatorial peers.  This Saturday night...  LAW IS WAR!

Screw the electoral process - bring on the Thunderdome!!!

I don't know about the government as a whole, but I think that the Supreme Court justices need to ride around in giant robot lions.

Recasting the major players every few years still seems to be the best option.

Not an answer, but an observation:  Scooby is to Scrappy as George Sr. is to George Jr.?  Makes ya think, huh?

Replace American Eagle and Uncle Sam with new mascot lizard - Jerry Mander. And change our obsolete Latin motto to Jerry's famous slogan "Show me the money!"

Well, for liabiity purpposes, I'll continue to stay well back of the actual "revitalizing" and fund it from a safe and nontraceable distance.

Government needs to refocus on its primary and most vital duty to the citizens of this country: The manufacture of government cheese.  Who doesn't like cheese?

Isn't it about time to replace the outdated government cheese program with something bold and new - say, Soylent Green?

Return to a wider spectrum of political thought, without all this mainstream simplification.  You know, back to the good ole days of killing Italian-Americans because we think they're involved in Anarchist plots, making sure suspected Communists never work in this town again, and lynching.  Especially the lynching--it was the first "get tough on crime" approach, and really hasn't been topped since.

Isn't John Ashcroft doing enough already?  Wait...  Did you say
"revitalize"?  I thought you said "re-bible-ize."  Nevermind.

I think the Bush family needs a pet monkey named "Sancho" with a penchant
for causing mischief!  "Has anyone seen my (fill in the government document
/ weapon of mass destruction here)?!"  (This seems like such a good idea,
I'm now wondering if I stole it from that short-lived Comedy Central show,
"That's my Bush.")

Pancake Balancing Sundays! Can YOU do as well as Oolong?

What we need is the Ninja Party. Talk about keeping government out of business - you won't even know they're there! And if they want to get rid of a foreign dictator, they won't need to drag the nation into a quagmire in the process…

If your "government" is starting to feel its age, we recommend Testostazine!   It'll help your "government" feel revitalized.  You'll feel more confident and more able to keep up with all the younger "governments" at the office.

The American political system needs some comic relief -- someone to bound recklessly into the policy arena flaunting loony propositions, an absurdly extreme viewpoint, and no accountability to reason.  Oh, wait.  We already have the Green Party.  Nevermind.

Taking a cue from Dallas, the American people wake up to find Patrick Duffy in their shower and realize that the last few years have been nothing but a terrible dream.

Elect Jerry Springer for Senate.  http://runjerryrun.com

Monkeys = Funny. You know, like in "Hopfrog". Bwa ha ha ha ha!

I'd point out that the most successful energy drink on the market is called Red Bull, and that's like a synergy of communism and capital markets, 'kay, so...  well... they can take it from there.

George W. Bush had a sister separated from him at birth.  She was the illegitimate love child of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan--and so was W., but Bush was paid off to raise him as his own.  If he can't be turned, perhaps she will.

OOOOH!   Ooh!   Ooh!  Lemme check my schedule a sec... OK, OK, like, ask me this question again on... where is it...  oh, OK, January 23, 2009.   Hee Hee!   It's not like you'll *need* to ask, though; I would just find it really cool, and kind of centering, assuming everything worked and I wasn't blown to tiny, tiny bits.

Supreme Folk!

Take the administration to a tropical location and make them do really gross things for immunity.

Replace the Bushes with the Osbournes. They're funnier, and make about the same amount of sense.

1 man - 1 vote. It's not just a good idea, it's the law! Let's see the Republican's faces now...

Ritual Facial Scarification for candidates. This would make elections more than a beauty contest and possibly (just possibly) discourage vain lawyers.

IQ tests for presidential candidates- Your IQ must be THIS tall to attack foreign countries for no good reason at all.

Politicians surrender all personal wealth upon their entry to office.

Isn't it about time for one of our senators to go on a shotgun rampage? In the Senate? Now THERE'S a filibuster for ya!

Replace Rumsfeld with Eminem. We'd get less profanity.

Well, if the government needs a pick-me-up, I'll make it dinner.  Hope it likes cabbage and beans!

custard pies in the face when they least expect it

trade it in for something with less stringent voyeurism rules

*And the obvious solution…*

Three words for ya, kid: The Bossy Party.
 

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