Question of the Week 06/25/03:

While there's something to be said for pausing to look at our government, there are far more important issues that we should be thinking about, namely Harry Potter. Plus it's been over a month since our last "Biggest Surprise" question, and I'm starting to go through withdrawal. So we want to know:

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX?"


I don't know if I've ever seen so many product placements in a book before. The whole thing's one big ad for butterbeer and broomsticks.

Only 27 pages long!

Mr. Weasley's "Modest Proposal" for cutting down on family expenses.

One word: Squidditch

I thought that the Ministry of Magic's break with the Wizengamot and subsequent invasion of Hogwarts to search for "Spells of Mass Destruction" seemed a bit far-fetched - I know it's a fantasy book, but that's just ridiculous.

When facing Harry and Dumbledore in combat, the Dark Lord fuses four Death Eaters to his appendages to form the terrifying Voldemortron.

I really liked the scene where the Aurors rescued the critically injured Ginny Weasley from the hospital ward and then sold her life story to NBC.

The climactic scene in which the Wizards select Harry's fantasy setting from 11,000 entries.

Things look bad when the brave Harry, bumbling Ron, beautiful Cho Chang, brainy Hermione, and their talking dog Padfoot all get stranded at the spooky Hogwarts castle. But by the end of the book, Harry and his meddling friends expose the so-called "Lord Voldemort" as Old Man Weasley, who was just trying to scare people away from the Forbidden Forest while he looked for hidden gold.

After a surprise victory by the Porcine Anti-Defamation League, Hogwarts is forced to change its name.

Well, this is pretty farfetched, but I've heard rumors that there is a Quidditch game and against all odds, Gryffindor manages to win. I know, it's crazy, but there it is.

The Order of the Phoenix was secretly replaced by an order of Peking duck. Let's see if they can tell the difference.

The climactic love scene between Harry and Cho Chang suggests that Ms. Rowling has seen "The Crying Game" one time too many.

To join the Order of the Phoenix, a prospective member has to die and come back to life.  Current membership is limited to Fawkes, Buffy, and Jesus.

The surprise ending in which the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is revealed to have the face of Strom Thurmond growing beneath her turban.

Hagrid and Madame Maxime journey to metro New York to bring Dumbledore's message of goodwill to Johns Flansburgh and Linnell.  Y'know, just in case they are.

Harry's father is revealed to have been an arrogant, cocky hotshot, thus paving the way for a prequel series involving a forbidden romance, a comedic amphibious sidekick, and a bit with a dog (Well, an animagus).

In order to expose Lord Voldemort's Death Eaters, Hermione must go undercover at the Black Kat strip club. But will she succumb to her darker urges? (Apparently, the movie version is going directly to Cinemax.)

The overall feel to the book is more L. Ron Hubbard than L. Frank Baum.

After all this pussyfooting around, J.K. Rowling finally decides to get Sirius.

Dumbledore is unable to find anyone able to teach Defense Against the Wal Marts.

I know Rowling's got movie casting on her mind, but I think that it was a mistake to change Voldemort to Lord Vindieselmort.

The Phoenix wants three entire Happy Meals and a plump baby lovingly roasted in beezlenut oil. To go.

Sirius Black is made out of people! He's PEOPLE!

JK Rowling wrote one of the characters with Katherine Hepburn specifically in mind to play her in the movie version and … Woops.  Is it too late for a print recall?

Owls with letters tied to their legs are OUT. Bunnies with pancakes balanced on their heads are IN.

Professor Sprout and Hagrid teach the fifth year boys how to avoid becoming imprisoned in trees by amorous dryads in Defense Against the Bark Tarts.

Snape snaps.

Hard to say which is more surprising, Dumbledore's death on page 14, or the fact that he's finally replaced by Penn & Teller on page 2146.

I was flabbergasted by the explicit scenes of torture and the tone of religious intolerance!  What?  "ORDER of the PHOENIX"?  Well where'd I get this copy of "Harry Potter and the Auto-da-Fe Nights"?

Weasley's now 33% less weasely.

Harry's bold stand against the Ministry of Magic's anti-dancing statute.

Cho Chang is not the happiest Ravenclaw of all when someone realizes out loud that her name sounds a lot like "cha-ching!"

The Order of the Phoenix does a Monty Python-style song and dance routine.
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/places/misc.htm#The_Order_of_the_Phoenix

It's bad enough that Harry got suspended from playing Quidditch. But replacing him with Tiger Woods? That's just WRONG.

The Phoenix DOESN'T want fries with that.

"Don't go in the ocean" is the core message of the new class, Defense Against the Shark Parts.

Due to complaints about the difficult pronunciation, Hermione's name has been changed to Herman.

Actually, it's just MY o'knee… it's not hers at all.

Harry acts like a teenager, saying things like "Nobody understands me," and "Nobody tells me anything." Wait, that's not surprising.

Now freed from servitude to the House of Malfoy, Dobby the House Elf fulfills his dream by starring in the porn film "Dobby Does Dallas".

In a surprise cross-over, Nymphadora Tonks is revealed to be Mystique from "X2."

It's a COOKBOOK!

Ashton Kutcher is wearing nothing but his underwear!!!

Instead of competing in the Triwizard Tournament, Harry wins 10,000 galleons when he debates Lord Voldemort and successfully disproves Time Cube. (Go to www.timecube.com ! Do it now, stupid!)

I was certainly surprised when the broke into the sealed vault in the Ministry of Magic and found Dick Cheney.

The Octopus was very scary.

Someone dies. What? Everybody knows that? Fine. Stupid question.

The dramatic scene where Harry uses the Geraldo Riveribus spell to smash his way into the ministry vault. 

The otherwise illegal Killing Curse, Avada Kedavra, is authorized as a Defense Against Marky Mark.

Well, I'm in Phoenix now, and I can't say I've seen Harry or anyone else in the Order.  It is pretty Fawkin' hot down here tho.

"Harry Potter and the Vat of Bubotuber Pus."

Amazing heft due to middle 600 pages plagiarized from Ayn Rand's anti-communist treatise "Atlas Shrugged".

The climactic scene with the Durseleys, five elephants, a pack of trained monkeys and a revolting carp.  Wait, I shouldn't have said that...

Cho Chang does the cha-cha with Charlie.

Hagrid is selected to teach Defense Against the Aardvarks.

The pudding cup nude wrestling scene between Hermione Grainger and Ginny Weasley.

By my statistical analysis, the fifth installment of the series should have been large enough to stun a bull moose.  I was surprised that -- at only 800 pages to my predicted 1240 -- rigorous scientific study showed that it only significantly stunned an adolescent musk ox.  The moose just became angry.

Backyard safety is so boring in the Defense Against the Lawn Darts class.

The rolling out of Richard Harris' Auto-Icon for each meeting of the Order
of the Phoenix.

I was surprised when Ivan insisted that Dmitri escape from prison and flee to America, even though he believed Dmitri to be guilty of the murder of their father!  What?  You weren't asking about "The Brothers Karamazov"? Well, I got my copy at the bookstore last weekend; you wouldn't believe how many people were waiting in line to get their hands on this new translation.

Ron losing an eye at the winery was pretty shocking.

The premise for the next book is set up by the end of "The Order Of The Phoenix" - Harry's sixth-form class goes on a field trip to the American West in "Harry Potter And The Muggles Of Red Gap".

Harry's father wasn't really killed by Voldemort; Harry's father IS Voldemort.

Ron Weasley replaces his rat with a pancake-balancing bunny.

Well, it *should* be the Clone Wars but they're skipping that part...

Harry and his friends team up with Buffy's former Scooby Gang members when a Hellmouth opens up beneath Hogwarts.

They all die.  Malfoy dances on graves.

Well, I think I may have gotten an unauthorized knockoff, as Ron, Fred, George, and Ginny for some reason have the last name Wayans...

It finally came out.

Where did all the mutants come from?

The "death that was so hard to write" is Spike.

Defense Against the Lark Farts.  I have no lead-in to this one.

I'll give you a hint: "Gallons of milky white fluid."

The Academy's fierce Quiddich rivaly with the lads from Stratford Anglican Sunday School.  I thought tailgating on the base of a broom was too silly.

As Harry is getting older, so is the tone to the story.  Harry's sexual orientation becomes clearer when he befriends a bath-house elf.

Personally, I was surprised by the fact that I had no desire to read the damned thing.  Wait, that wasn't a surprise at all.  What?  Why, yes, I am Chris Floyd.  Why do you ask?

All those chapters spent in Arizona. Bor-ring!

Wizard Harry meets Prince Harry and uses his magic to find out who the Royal's father REALLY is.....

Professor Dumbledore explains away his radical change in appearance with the lame excuse of a watermelon diet.

Like "The Big Sleep", ultimately it just doesn't make any sense!

The biggest surprise about the hardcover edition of "Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix"? It turns out that it's NOT heavy enough to club somebody to death. Dammit.

You mean besides the surprise that J. K. Rowling, after making like a gazillion dollars (pounds, whatever), bothered to finish it?

 

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