Question of the Week 07/02/03:

Most of our recent questions have had to do with politics or entertainment. It's been a long time since we took a moment to think about the deeper, philosophical issues that shape our world. So today we want to know the answer to a question that has been troubling the sages for thousands of years:

WHAT MAKES CLOWNS SO EVIL?


As the Mad Arab said: "That is not dead which can from tiny automobiles spout, and with giant footwear even death can be, like, totally creeped out."

As spokesperson for The Council of Public Advocacy for Clownery, I'm glad you asked this question.  Coulrophobia -- the fear of clowns -- is a scourge upon today's society and the bane of clowns and clownery worldwide.  What exactly is there to fear from strangers, wearing identity-masking make-up that exaggerates facial features commonly associated with extreme intoxication, decked out in distressingly misshapen clothing that implies a feakishly inhuman physical form, attacking each other mercilessly with discordantly harmless weaponry, willingly throwing themselves on the ground and into numerous other masochistic situations, all while trying to insinuate their way into childrens' parties and other youth activities?  I, for one, just don't understand what there is to fear.

They learn it at Clown College.  Duh.

Anyone could be hiding under all that makeup and colorful clothing. It could  be Mohammad Atta, Osama bin Ladin or even Saddam Hussein and because any clown could be a terrorist harboring weapons of mass destruction, they are clearly evil and must be stopped and the best way to stop them is for the government to issue each American a Patriot ID card that shows that you are a not a clown and tracks every purchase and movement protecting those among that have nothing to hide from the "Clown Terrorists". Why yes I am US Attorney General John Ashcroft, why do you ask?

At first I thought that society was to blame, but then I realized that they're just morbidly white surburban punks, just like me.

It's a peer pressure thing. In the media, clowns are always depicted as evil. Sideshow Bob, Kinko, Pennywise, the Joker - where are the HEROIC clowns, fighting to rid the world of crime? What do you mean, "read Astro City"?

Clowns are evil for the same reason they choose such a noble calling in the first place:  It's the pure joy to be found in the light of a child's eyes... just before scooping them out with a spoon.

You try squeezing into a tiny car with 20 other clowns for half an hour. Oh, wait, that's "what makes clowns so smelly."

It's not "what", it's "who". The answer, of course, is David Lynch.

Whenever they see a clown reading a really good mystery novel, people have never been able to resist telling them how the story ends. Now, wouldn't that piss you off and make you resort to the dark side?

You try making rubber balloon animals for 12 hours straight - trust me, you'll want to kill someone by the time you're done.

Because no-one even thinks of comparing them to pirates OR ninjas.

Kids who cry.

It is the thinnest of boundaries between the Dark Side and the Dork Side.

It is the curse of Clarabelzebub, as depicted in the epic poem by Shecky Milton.  Clarabelzebub was thrown out of Heaven for heaving a cream pie into the face of the Archangel Uriel.

Because no matter how hard they try, they know that they're going to lose The Amazing Race.

The amount of fiber in their diet.

Rule 375-h(A) of the Guild's by-laws makes it an imperative.

Mother never loved them.

Seltzer.

None of them ever thought of using a pancake-balancing bunny in their act, and now it's been done.

Tight shoes.

As with Milton Berle, clowns are reputed to all have prodigious "members".  And yet for some reason, women never take them seriously in bed.

Everyone knows clowns are evil because, despite the union's best efforts to address the "pie issue", they've never gotten lemon meringue replaced by mango meringue. There's a cabal of parent groups from the bible belt that think "mango" is a sexual innuendo.

Do I need to remind you of Ouchy the Clown? www.ouchytheclown.com
 

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