Question of the Week 07/09/03:

Men have a difficult time in the modern world. There just isn't enough crap designed specifically with men in mind. At least, that's what the owners of TNN seem to think. In an attempt to raise flagging ratings, they have declared themselves to be the first "Network for Men." So what, you may ask, do men want to see? If you said "Crime-fighting strippers," you'd be right. One of their new shows is "Stripperella", an animated collaboration between Stan Lee and Pamela Anderson focusing on the adventurers of a woman who is "a stripper at night, and a superhero later at night." Having set the bar so high, we want to know:

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT TO SEE ON THE NEW TNN, "THE FIRST NETWORK FOR MEN"?


A TNN Original Movie: Two Drunk Guys Make Fun of A Lifetime Original Movie

On TNN?  T'N'A.  Duh Factor of twelve.

From what I hear, there's going to be a series of thought provoking profiles inspired by A&E's "Biography." First up: The Coors Light Twins.

It's a COOKING CHANNEL!

Well, looking at the TV Guide, "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Highlander: The Series." I guess they're aiming for the lucrative "balding men who want to live forever" market.

Wheel!  Of!  Meat!

"The Family Circus." Starring Jimmy Kimmel, Jack Black, Pamela Anderson, and Jenna Jameson as Dolly.

I don't know about their new shows, but after 3AM it'll show nothing but testosterone patterns.

Just to add my voice to the thousands: Bikini Car Wash.

Re-enactments of key scenes in the Starr Report

All I can say is, if they fail to syndicate "The Man Show" they cannot help but be total losers.  Er... more so.

Football in the Groin.

Pornadoes.   Yes, it's a recycled answer, but now it's more likely to be right.

Helpful advice programs -- "Shoes 101," "When to Notice Hair," "How to Respond to Leading Questions"

"John Gray's men beating their chests/drums in the woods hour"

Probably not "Do the Right Thing"...

Swedish Bikini Scientists!   Well, it gets a shot, until viewers start complaining that they never bang the pizza guy.

Remakes of all of Lifetime's "Victim of the Week" offerings, from the man's perspective.  All the "victims" are revealed to be nagging, overbearing, controlling, complaining bitches who get what they deserve, which appears to be justifiable homicide complete with more explosions, chase scenes, and gadgetry per minute than a summer of Bruckheimer flicks.

Loveline, with your host, Kobe Bryant!

Probably something really really awful, like what I saw on local news the other night: http://www.klas-tv.com/Global/story.asp?S=1356380&nav=168XGqk0

The same stuff I expect to see on most of the other channels... which are all ruled by men.  Men rule!

More beer commercials.  The only chick-oriented commercials I want to see on the network are the orgasmic Herbal Essence ads.

Cute little bunnies who can balance pancakes on their heads... just before they get blasted by Ted Nugent

Joe Zemek

Lesbian-based advertising in droves.  An extended Miller Light "catfight" ad where they do in fact make out.  And in the racier Treasure Island ("I have rules.  I left them at home!") ad, let's just say it becomes apparent that the "treasure" is marked with a shape other than an X.

New weekly series: "Handling Melons".  Why are you looking at me like that? Didn't you hear me before?  It's a COOKING CHANNEL!!

Sex and booze. And maybe some cars. But mostly sex and booze. *gets beat up by the anti-stereotypical part of her brain*

TNN's Masterpiece Theater presents Tom Arnold's Dramatic Recitation of the
Letters Page of Penthouse.

I dunno.  How many programming slots does it take to show every page of this month's Maxim magazine?

XFL Classic.

Not Charlie Rose, I can tell you that much.

Dynamite Fishing Under the Influence: Yes You Can!

Child Support, My Ass!

Spike Lee films. I mean, he's the Spike of Spike TV, right?

Don't men already have the playboy channel and ESPN?

Personally I can't wait for the National Bra-Fitting Finals.

Friday Night Special Feature: "Buns for Your Weiner".  Look, for the last time, it's a COOKING CHANNEL!!

"We now return to TNN's Dolph Lundgren Weekend and the Saturday Special
Feature: I Come in Peace.  Only on TNN -- The First Network for Men!"

Chairlie's Angels II: Sofa, So Good!  

I'll only watch if they pick up Firefly.

More reasons to hold something other than the remote control

"Whacking Your Sausage" with your host, Pirates first baseman Randall Simon.    Semi-related to the show is yet more evidence that pirates are freakin' morons.

Um, you mean besides Porn and Howard Stern? Oh, wait, that's been done. Um.. Star Trek and Hip Hop? Nope.. that neither. Um... Eminem videos? Nope. Been there done that. Okay, that's it. I think despite decades of high quality television we can safely conclude that it's all been done. TNN should just grab its balls, yank them off, and go home... oh... wait... THAT hasn't been done!

A music show:  Disembodied breasts covered in beer stickers bouncing to the beat of techno music.

Boobies.  Lots of boobies.

Using my best monster truck show announcer's voice... "SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! TWO HOURS OF STRAIGHT MONEYSHOTS!"
 

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