Question of the Week 07/31/03:

Our highly informed sources (IE Toby) have tippe us off to the following late-breaking story: Jeb Magruder now says that Richard Nixon ordered the Watergate break-in. As a result, we want to know:With "Gigli" approaching and rumors of a J-Lo/Ben Affleck remake of "Casablanca", we want to know:

WHAT *ELSE* DID NIXON DO?


Silly Nixon! Tricks are for kids!

I heard something about "bathing in the blood of innocents," but that could've just been locker room talk.

Played with checkers, but never won a game.

OH MY GOD, he killed Checkers! The bastard!

Okay, okay.  He DID shoot the sheriff.  But he has no recollection of shooting the deputy.

All I know is, if ordering illegal break-ins and surveillance for partisan political gain is wrong, I don't wanna be right!

Foolishly traded the dishwasher for what was behind door number one.

Was a white private Dick who was sex machine with all the chicks.

Lost his golden fiddle on a bet in Georgia.

Sent Peter Parker's parents to their deaths, and then killed Uncle Ben to boot!

Find out in April when celebrated author J.K. Rowling releases her next book in this exciting series: "Richard Nixon and the Pillar of Thunder"!

Nothing at all. I mean, come on, people - if we can't trust an American politician, who can we trust?

Magnetic alignment therapy. "It's as if I can hear my problems fading away..."

He just couldn't handle the pressure of being President of the United States *and* the King of Rock'n'Roll.

Lost 30 pounds in 30 days with the new Waist-a-Way Wonder Diet!

I'm sorry, I'm too young to know what Watergate was.  Is that the prequel to Baldur's Gate?

Selflessly gave up his own life in order to protect John Connor. 

Shot the Sheriff. Also shot the deputy. Lied under oath.

Everyone thought he was a nut for showing pictures of his dog balancing pancakes on his head.

The Time Warp.

Put the bomp In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp!
put the ram In the rama lama ding dong!
put the bop In the bop shoo bop shoo bop!
put the dip In the dip da dip da dip!

Squeezed the Charmin when Mr. Whipple wasn't looking.

Put the bop in the Bop-shoo-wop, and made me fall in love with him.

He gave the order to create New Coke.

Solved Fermat's last theorem. But, as a sitting president, was disqualified. Became very bitter indeed.

Wrote some damn fine episodes of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Oh, wait - that's what NOXON did. Never mind.

I remember now...  I remember how it  started...  I can't remember Watergate...  I
just remember doing... what Nixon told me...  told me...  told me...

Not only went to China, but broke three place settings.

Caught on yet another tape, this time with Cher.

The Hokey Pokey.

He followed his nose, cuz he thought it always knew.

Didn't he help pull Santa's sleigh?

Dallas

Well, when Richard Nixon travelled time to the year 3010, ...he joined the evil robot kings and became their leader.  Brain Boitano he AIN'T.

I'm telling you, only the CIA had access to that sort of pancake transmitted neurotoxin...

Laughed sardonically at every other Gate that followed in his evil wake- from Monica-Gate to Bill-Gates to Baldurs-Gate.

The Hustle.

When Ethel Merman twisted her ankle during rehearsals for Gypsy, then-Vice President Nixon stepped in for the Broadway debut.  Not many people know that.

The lead in Swan Lake.

A mean Rich Little impression. Scary in its versimilitude...

Do the words Prince Albert mean anything to you?

Nixon's liaison with a young British fan of American politics resulted in a certain ego-maniacal love child we all know and... well... know.

He didn't do anything.  He just stood there as it got socked to him.

Well, he didn't do windows...

Signed the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, and the Dirty Tricks Act.

He balanced a pan*&@$^@) CONNECTION TERMINATED.

Depends on your definition of "do."

Wrote an article for Red Book / bowed before his master, the Prince of Darkness.

Pardoned Adolf Hitler. Fair's fair after all...

Mooned the nation (apparently to demonstrate exactly what America wouldn't have to kick around anymore).

3 words. Precious Bodily Fluids.

Ate 3 live chihuahuas per day.

Killed Puppies for Satan

Made the phrase "I am not a crook" completely unusable.

Greenlit "Gigli"

Voted for Mao.

Both Ben AND J-Lo!

First to taunt Spiro Agnew, "Grow a penis."

Released Kid A.  Possibly seeing him in next life.

Started the Ray Stevens fan club.

Nixon lied and got a popular Governor to resign, move to Washington, become the country's first "Energy Czar", gave him no power, expected him to simply rubber-stamp all kinds of bullshit, and finally drove that same hapless man to resign in disgust.

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