Question of the Week 09/03/03:T

For the last few weeks we've been discussing a possible UN role in Iraq. In short, the US wants UN military support, but we aren't willing to hand over any of the authority. So if we're not going to give them political power, the question is:

WHAT CAN WE OFFER THE U.N. IN EXCHANGE FOR HELP IN IRAQ?


Kofi Annan gets to be the next Governor of California!

7-Up.  Y'know, the UN-Cola.

We shouldn't offer them ANYTHING - we should just taunt them mercilessly. "UN… Come out and pla-a-ay…"

Another Shrubbery?

From here on out, all UN delegates can drunkenly carouse across New York City, their chauffeurs driving recklessly fast, with hookers on both arms, passing illegal drugs and state secrets between each other with no fear of retribution.  What?  They already can!?  What more do they want!?

Gentlemen, I give you.... Beef!

Let's just say that next week the toilets in the UN building will be the best Japan has to offer.

A copy of our home game (George Bush goes up chutes and down ladders!).

John Ashcroft in his underwear.  Oh, wait, that was going to be the jist of my punchline for the LAST QotW.  Stupid procrastination.

Their own shows - but on UPN.  Hey!  There ARE limits to our beneficence!

Well, we can't afford to give them a raise, but we will be distributing new stock options!

We have a ton of those much-sought-after Most Wanted decks in a warehouse somewhere...

Amend our epithet for the French to be "High-quality-cheese-eating surrender monkeys."

The finger.

Our love gives them such a thrill, but it won't pay their bills. We'll give them money (that's what they want).

Lots of sand.  And broken statues.  And a bright shiny quarter for every weapon of mass destruction they can "find" in Iraq.

A Wal-Mart special on blue helmets.

How about we promise, really mean it, cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-be-reelected, that we'll LISTEN to them next time?

Re-name Freedom Fires as Belgian Fries. It's what the French wanted all along.

An Oscar(tm) for Best Supporting Invasion(tm) to be awarded by Henry Kissinger and Raquel Welch.

Britney Spears. Please.

Some warm and squishy gummi bears.

We promise we'll be on our bestest behavior, and not invade any other country without their permission. Unless it's North Korea.

Enron stock

A lease with an option to buy

Puerto Rico and maybe one of the Virgin Islands.

Maybe one of the cheaper Baldwin brothers?

Free passes to Disneyland, the Happiest Place in the World.

Relevency.

Oh, like it isn't enough that they've been living rent-free in New York for
over half a century.  Those French-speaking bastards owe us!

Puerto Rico and all the coffee, sugar, indigo, and cotton they can carry back to the old world.

Greenhouse gases and bad attitude.  Oh, wait, we give that to them for free.

A fleet of Touaregs.  Someone over there's gotta know what that means.

Shouldn't this question really be, "WHAT KIND OF MOUTHWASH SHOULD WE USE AFTER HAVING TO KISS FRANCE'S, RUSSIA'S AND GERMANY'S ASSES?"

Isn't the sight of us groveling before the Security Council reward enough?

Promising Dominique de Villepin that he can play the evil Frenchman in the next Matrix movie.

Ashton Kutcher's underwear

Madonna lip-locks

Veiled threats that their homelands could be next for invasion

Help on their US citizenship tests if things go wrong

Our giant three-handled family credenza?

Everlasting Gob-Stoppers.

A boot to the head!

Buy Kofi a new kofi.

A really super 401k

Jelly beans!

Cats that are hyperaffectionate at two in the morning. I've got a candidate or two...

Ashton Kutcher in his underwear. At least if we had him to give away.

We'll offer them three Gold, four Dye, and a Piracy, and we can guarantee the Piracy.

Buffycrack DVD sets.

Insightful political commentary buried in little notes on someone's personal website, and vastly ignorant commentary on television and in the newspapers.

A parcel of land on the East Coast where they can gather with diplomatic immunity to discuss national relations, and a cafeteria from which they can steal the silverware.

Two or three mid-level politicians to be used as Nodwicks. Duct tape included. No, I don't have anyone in mind.

Swiss army knives... no... maybe danishes... no... french fries? Turkey dinner? Willoware china? Polish sausage? (mmmm... Polish sausage...)

AS SEEN ON TV.

Red shirts in all sizes and phasers set to stun.

A giant wooden badger?

The deed to a platinum mine?

Snozzberries!

The precious.

A giant grail-shaped beacon?

One MILLION dollars!

One MILLION Shares of Enron stock...

A really big international wedgie.

Magnet stock options. Or VR1 stock options. Their choice.

The warm and cozy feeling of being on the side of Truth and Justice.

I'll betcha they'd like a whole buncha purty beads. Hey, it worked for our ancestors!

How's about The Usurper's head on a platter?

George W. Bush... oh wait, you said "offer" not "offering"... sorry...

Slinky Toys for everybody!

If they clean our bathroom, we'll make them dinner.  Hope they like cabbage and beans!

All the copies of Nightcaster II they could ever want.


* And with a surprise tie-in to this week's question…*

There's only one thing the US has to offer: More fantastic movies starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez.  ...We're doomed.

 

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