Question of the Week 10/01/03:

Ever since President Bush asked congress for $87 billion to help rebuild Iraq, we've been wondering. $87 billion is a whole lot of samolians. You could kill a whole lot of pretzels with that kind of dough. So we want to know:

WHY DOES THE PRESIDENT *REALLY* WANT $87 BILLION DOLLARS?

Dear Nigerian sir: I recently received your name from someone I trust. I am the President of a major country and I have a large sum of money that was left to me. Unfortunately, I need your help to get this money out of the country. In exchange for the use of your bank account information, you will receive one billion dollars...

He wants to buy Saddam Hussein some weapons of mass destruction, since it seems like he doesn't have any of his own.

The usual robbing Peter to pay Paul, except Peter is the USA, and Paul is Satan.

He's taking a page from Wizards of the Coast: $87 billion to whoever can create the best re-election campaign setting.  Keith Baker reported to be "not interested."

He's got his eye on some rare Xena collectibles.

Inflation. According to his calculations it will take at least that much to get bionic legs, and that's not even counting the bionic horse.

Three words: Jenna's bar tab.

Papa needs some brand new shoes. All of them.

Same reason we all want $87 bil: to live on Hooker Island.  What??  Yes there is!  Shut up!

"If Bush had $87 billion dollars, he'd buy your voooooooooooooote..."

Well, after watching him put his pinky finger on his lip while asking for the money, looks to me like Dr. Evil is finally adjusting for inflation.

Christmas at Ground Zero?

Silly President!  $87 billion are for kids!

Come on, people, we've got pudding cups to smash here.  We need to spend at least $40 billion on finding Timmy bin Laden.

In a poorly planned move, Bush is trying to buy love.  Unfortunately, not only can't you buy me love, but he's trying to buy Iraqi love, and that's a rare commodity these days.

To buy sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads.

After someone blew up his secret-base-in-a-disguised-volcano and then sank his secret-base-that-looked-like-an-island-but-was-really-a-submarine, he's decided on a brilliant plan to build a secret-base-made-out-of-ice-in-combination-with-a-heat-ray-satellite. That'll be sure to work out perfectly. He also needs an army of guys who can't shoot -- and they need uniforms, there're the unions to deal with, and have you seen what health care costs a business these days?!? These things ain't free, y'all.

With that kind of money, he can buy plenty of tanks, airplanes, and maybe a few technology rolls.  Everyone knows he needs to act now to support Russia--it'll all be over if the Germans get to Moscow.  The US in the Middle East gambit is rarely used but never anticipated by the Axis.  Or is this Risk?  I KNOW it's not Diplomacy.

Take yer pick: 87 billion dollahs or 87 bilious mullahs.  Dollahs, mullahs. Dollahs, mullahs.  Are you following me here?

To finance Halliburton's new corporate headquarters. . . er, I mean, to help rebuild the Iraqi infrastructure.

To pay off Oolong. For what, I'm not saying.

His own private Idaho.

Haven't you always wanted a monkey...  from the president?

Has to cover after betting against both Cubs and Red Sox.

It's hard keeping up with Bill Gates these days.

Bribing Iraqi officials: "please, please tell me where the WMD are...."

BFGs.

He wants to buy Canada and turn it into a winning baseball team. 
Signed,
A Former Disgruntled Texan

In a poorly planned move, Bush is trying to buy respect.  Unfortunately, well, imagine a "respect-debt" equal to our current budget deficit, and you can see the futility in throwing $87 billion at the problem.

One way ticket to Alpha Centauri. Let's give it to him!

Grecian Formula, so he can look good for the campaign trail... lots and LOTS of Grecian Formula.

Apparently, his coke habit has gotten out of control

To fund the Schwarzenegger campaign.

Hush money. I guess he has a lot of people to hush.

I dunno, but if he saw fit to send a little of it my way, I wouldn't complain...

I hear it's all about a game of Risk

Lemme see... 87 billion divided by about 500 million...uh...that's like about a thousand bucks from
each of us, right?? Er, maybe I put a decimal point in the wrong place...

How's about we rebuild our own country first?

$87 billion should cover the costs of setting up an Iraqi national baseball franchise that W. can run into the ground once he's done with his current project, the U.S. economy.  (His conclusion is that terrible business decisions go better with a hot dog and Cracker Jacks.)

For lining the wallets of fat-cat CEOs at the head of administration-friendly corporations that bankrolled the GOP domination of the White House and Congress in order to get looser environmental restrictions and more tax cuts for fat-cat CEOs and administration-friendly corporations so they have more cash to bankroll the continued GOP dominance of the White House and Congress.  Either that or for helping the Iraqi people lead better lives.  I can't remember anymore.

That's the going price of yellowcake uranium in Niger these days.


* Still not satisfied? Try Chris Floyd's "Do it yourself" recipe… *

[Insert tired old conspiracy theory about Karl Rove, Halliburton's no-bid contracts, John Ashcroft's resemblance to Hitler and/or Joseph McCarthy, administration ties to the Bin Laden family, and, hell, throw in some randomly selected sentences from any Michael Moore book and then call it good.]
   

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