Question of the Week 11/05/03:

It's a subject we've covered many times before, but as this is our last chance before it hits the screens we need to act fast:

WHAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS"?


Step One:   Morpheus and Neo design a program, - the worst program EVER! - that's sure to fail as soon as it's uploaded. 
Step Two:  Then they con a lot of little old ladies into ponying up the money to produce it.
Step Three:  They upload the program into the Matrix.
Step Four: The program crashes and before you can say…
Step Five: The two of them are jetting off to Cyber-Rio.
Rio!
Rio by the sea-0!
Morpheus and Neo!
By the sea-0 in Rio!
Oh my-0!  Oh me-0!
And it came to pass that Zero begat the One.........

It's actually just redubbed footage from the 1995 Angelina Jolie film Hackers.

Really good noodles.

Revelation that the true One is actually Matthew Broderick, reprising his role from Wargames. "How about a nice game of chess?"

"It is a cinematic first in that it is the first movie composed entirely of plot holes!"

Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and all the inhabitants of Zion just the latest victims of Ashton Kutcher.  "No, humanity wasn't *really* defeated and enslaved by sentient machines hundreds of years ago.  You've just been punk'd!"

See, the unicorn dream proves that Neo is a replicant!

People actually choose to get out of the Matrix, where they can have steak and gourmet food, in preference for Zion, with its diet of cabbage and beans.

Ashton Kutcher's underware.

It's actually a subtle examination of the theories of brilliant American philosopher George Santayana. What? You know, that guy who said "Those who cannot remember the past…" Oh, never mind.

Smith challenges Neo to a winner-take-all chess match in the Checkmatrix.

He brings down the entire Matrix with a virus he created on a Mac.  Jeff Goldblum makes a surprise appearance and. . . hey, wait, I've seen this scene before. . . .

The character played by Don Knotts in 'Pleasantville' is the Grand Visionary behind 'The Matrix'.

Rather than a Christ figure, Neo becomes a Castro figure, founding a communist country for the people of Zion and surviving several attacks from his larger neighbor, the machine empire.  Some programs will question the wisdom of the trade embargo and begin selling him human batteries in exchange for cigars.

Who cares? I'm just looking forward to Agent Smith's one-man off-broadway production of Hamlet.

Neo is actually a woman.

It's full of stars.  Whoa.

George Carlin appears to save them all with a time-traveling phone booth.  Programs across the Matrix join Neo's cause due to his seductive philosophy:  "Be excellent to each other."

That people are going for reasons other than pure habit.

It actually makes a modicum of sense to people other than stoned, pompous, pseudo-philosophers.

Zion creates dinosaurs out of subterranean frog DNA and sends them after the machines, but they get out of control and Jeff Goldblum leads a team trying to escape the. . . hey, I thought they were underground, where did the tropical jungle come from?

They bypassed the potentially neat twists for the standard Hollywood ending! No, wait, that's not surprising.

Neo and Trinity are now played by John Cusack and Britney Spears.

Oolong is the Source.

Anthony Zerbe as Hamman meets KISS at the Zion Amusement Park

The Oracle can be downloaded as MomsMabley.exe

Laurence Fishburne's acting chops get a better workout in those DirectTV ads

The "Tingler" - a  movie gimmick from the 1950s, - has been revived and wired to all the seats in the IMAX theatres.

Joe Pantoliano returns as his head pops up out of a bowling bag and races through the tunnels, chomping on energy pills.

The entire trilogy is dedicated to the memory of Morey Amsterdam, the human joke machine.

The machine ruler looks like Anthony Winters.

Agent Smith played by Jimmy Stewart.

Hey look! Is that a badger?

It all takes place in Ahnold's head.

The total lack of product placement.

Hobbitses.  With lots and lots of things in its pocketses.

The movie ends with what is supposed to be a stunning revelation, but falls flat due to over-produced, under-developed action scenes and poorly thought-out plot development.  Er, wait. . . I'm sorry, you were looking for surprises, weren't you?

Dancing Ewoks!

It's really just the middle episode of a boring and turgid FIVE part series. Hey, Larry Wachoski's dominatrix needs a new pair of shoes...

Sucks WORSE than its predecessor. Incredible!

Larry Wachowski finally gets his way, and the film is renamed "The Dominatrix Revolution".

Keanu learns to, y'know... act. Dude!

Makes "Kill Bill" seem like a caring pacifist manifesto lovingly crafted by Carmelite Nuns and fluffy bunnies...

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Morpheus mercifully "put to sleep" - almost before his descent into wacked brainless demagoguery could ruin his character forever...

Neo caught wearing Trinity's scanty intimate clothing. The surprise being just how good he looks in it.

Based on L. Ron Hubbard's classic work.

The Best Picture nomination. That and the cleaning bills...

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