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BAKER'S DOZEN--2/26/05
WHAT WAS THE BIGGEST SURPRISE AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS?
Furious at the snub of "Eternal Sunshine", Jim Carrey had all memories
of the Oscars erased from his mind.
In the closed captioning of the event, Chad Lowe was always identified
as "Hillary's Bitch".
Luke's Uncle Owen wouldn't let him join the Academy.
Clint Eastwood's unfortunate "wardrobe malfunction."
Clerical error hands Alice Cooper a Best Song Oscar for Billion Dollar
Babies.
Oscars rigged by a shadowy conspiracy of ruthless men hidden at the very
heart of our Academy.
Sandra Oh's admission to Star Jones that she was the inspiration behind
the Oolong website.
Another year passes and Charles Nelson Reilly is yet again passed over
for the Lifetime Achievement Award.
That everyone showed up wearing tasteful and attractive clothing.
We secretly replaced this year's Academy Awards with Folger's Crystals.
No one noticed the difference.
It was nice to see the ninjas and the pirates getting along for a
change.
Passerby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.
All nominees agree: "Screw this--let's go bowling!!!"
NY Post headline: "MARTIN SCORNED, SEZ HE!" Actually, that'd be no
surprise at all.
"Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" still not nominated!
Little Timmy Miller goes up on stage, only to have Chris Rock and Salma
Hayek bring out a hammer and smash his pudding cup.
Generalissimo Francisco Franco's cameo appearance, or was that Osama Bin
Laden?
When Paul Giamatti led an assault by Apes upon the Academy.
That Jack Pallance is carrying Jack Nicholson's child
In honor of Million Dollar Baby, Best Actor awards determined by
Celebrity Boxing.
All the exsanguination
Johnny Depp appearing naked. Okay, maybe that was just wishful
thinking...
*And the academy award for "Best Toadying" goes to…*
The news that animator Brad Bird will be adapting City of Towers for a
feature film. (Not really; I just needed to suck up in order to remain
on this mailing list.)
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