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BAKER'S DOZEN--3/26/07

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN D&D FOURTH EDITION?

 

Don't you mean "KEITH BAKER'S D&D 4th Edition"?

 

All the product placement. "Haste" spell changed to "Do the Dew™".

 

Now 80% Dungeons, 20% Dragons

 

Chinese gold farmers can get you to 20th level in 6 days!

 

Iron rations are made out of PEOPLE!

 

Revolutionary new THAC1 system! (It's one higher, isn't it?)

 

Traditional elves replaced by Keebler elves. Drizzt now a renegade fudge elf who wields twin graham crackers.

 

Twenty-part adventure path requires heroes to "Save the Cheerleader… save the Realms."

 

New version actually DOES drive kids to Satan.

 

New system actually based on popular "Dumb & Dumber" franchise.

 

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 1d8+2. And a crunch.

 

Combat system abandons primitive dice in favor of cool "Wii"-mote.

 

Iconic characters from PHB replaced by the PCs from Order of the Stick

 

NO, not Black Leaf! No, NO!

 

It has an INDEX!

 

In a disturbing statement on modern morals, "Tomb of Horrors" re-released as "Tomb of Whores".

 

It's Scott Adam's "Dungeons & Dogbert"

 

Templates replaced with "creature pimp'in kits"

 

Common replaced by 1337Sp4|<; Diplomacy now called "Plz".

 

Microsoft will put out a new Windows version so D&D doesn't get all the press.

 

Young gamers revolt against the new Edition that their gamer geek parents are exposing them to, calling them Satanic and cultlike in vast media blitz online.  The new game has no electronic parts, requires faith in a 'dungeonmaster', and belief in his 'special powers', and worst of all, requires a knowledge of math and language skills instead of just being able to look at a video screen.

 

Now with more Gygax!

 

You can find the DC for Jumping the Shark.  It's suprisingly reachable...like, at level 1.

 

Harry Potter dies at the end!

 

I knew sex rules would finally make it in! "If there are any chicks there, I wanna do them!"

 

The letters stand for "Dirty" and "Dancing".

 

The recipe for Red Velvet Cake… and the $250 price tag.

 

The hidden planar anomaly known only in dread whispers as "the Cow Level".

 

Now only two classes – pirate and ninja. Monkey and robot to be added in 4.5.

 

All the advertisements for Fifth Edition.

 

Bowing to the will of the masses, WotC changes the game to "Dungeons & Drizzt".

 

More robots. More trains.

 

"Undead" replaced with more politically correct term "Mortality Challenged"

 

An entire section of the MM on cows?!

 

Pornomancers

 

Starring Academy Award winner Tom Hanks and featuring three times more Wayanses!

 

Keep on the Borderlands revamped for those level 60 characters you've been playing since 1977.

 

Save the Dragon.  You already save the world via the Dungeon 10 part Path adventures.

 

That can of nuts actually contains a spring-loaded snake! YIKES!

 

Rules printed on whiteboard-paper—so work can start immediately on 5th Edition.

 

The mystical initials of 'FoE of DaD' will cause an uprising of gameplayer geeks against their parents and other superiors the world over.  Satan will be appeased.

 

Lame "elves" and "halflings" replaced by k3wl "warforged".

 

Drow Porn

 

It turns out that Babylon Five is our last, best hope for victory.

 

The Computer is your friend!

 

Thanks to conservative censors, it's a 320 page book with every word blacked out.

 

Velcro!

 

D&D shifted to more adult oriented "Dungeons & Dominatrixes".


No index

 

There is NO brain-eating in 4th Edition… Mind flayers heartbroken.

They'll go to an entirely point-build method of character creation, eschewing the whole crazy level adjustment thing, or creating a system where X points of abilities equates to a LA of 1, et cetera.  Total race and class customization.  What, you mean like the Players Option series?  Nah, they'd never rehash an old idea...

 

They're jumping from 4th to 4.876- which of course, is suprising for 3 reasons- a) there's no .5; b) they're not rounding those gd decimals; and c) they have no nads to just upgrade it to D&D 5th edition.

 

An explanation of Knowledge (Local) that makes sense

 

The surprisingly efffective "save vs. player stupidity" mechanic

 

Munchkin and Richly Developed Character officially recognized as alignments

 

And finally…

 

The game system will no longer punish in-game heroics, but rather will reward (or at least no longer penalize) attempts to emulate the literature and movies that inspired the game in the first place.

That would be the pleasant surprise. 

The unpleasant surprise:  switching from d20 – or d-anything – to collectible trading cards.


 

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