Question of the Week 06/04/03:

Despite TV Guide's praising it as a model for how a series should end, many fans have been complaining about the conclusion of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". So we want to know:

HOW SHOULD BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER HAVE ENDED?


Buffy looking in the mirror and cackling while asking in an increasingly mocking tone, "How's Anya?  How's Anya?  HOW'S ANYA?!"

Buffy finally tracks down the one-armed demon.

In a shocking crossover with ER. Get it? SLAYER ends with ER. Oh well...

I think that Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Giles should have been put on trial for breaking the Good Samaritan law. They could have brought back all of the minor characters from the show, and at the end they could all be locked up together. What do you mean, "It's been done"?

With the shocking revelation that the so-called First Evil is just a construction worker from New Jersey who only makes $19,000 a year.

Oh, Buffy's not over.  She'll live on forever in the Buffy online fan fiction.  Already you have nineteen amateurish explanations for why Spike's not dead, Buffy is a slayer again, and how they will continue to hunt down evil.  Thirty if you count the erotic ones.

With Robin revealing that "Principal Wood" is really just his porn name.

Now that there are tons of slayers, I'd like to have seen some of the businesses catering directly to Slayer market. You know - the Outback Stakehouse, Pepsi Plot Twist, and, of course, the crisp, refreshing taste of Vampira Coke.

Spike plans to rape Buffy (again), but on the way to commit this vile deed he is slain by a pair of potentials who turn out to be Kennedy's long lost sisters. Buffy finds his ashes and, believing them to be the remains of Angel, mourns and wails. Then she notices the Roman army passing by, so she dresses up like a boy and signs up as a page. At the end, Jove descends from the heavens to sort things out. What? Why yes, I am a fan of Shakespeare's Cymbeline. Why do you ask?

Buffy is let out of the mental hospital, but refuses to take her medication. However, after 20 years of wandering around UC Sunnydale, she suddenly snaps out of her funk and goes back to teaching mathematics, ultimately winning the Nobel Prize.

Giles should have driven a stake through the heart of that woman in those Taster's Choice commercials.

With Angel appearing to team up with Buffy for an entirely new mission. He's a vampire with a soul seeking redemption for a century soaked in blood. She's a tormented ex-slayer who dies for kicks. They fight crime!

Jeff Probst extinguishes Faith the Slayer's tiki lamp as she is voted out of Sunnydale.

Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles get put in charge of an evil law firm. Buffy's the boss, Willow has access to a fully equipped mystical workshop, Giles gets access to the world's most comprehensive library of prophecies, and Xander becomes a demigod in training. What? Angel, you say? Damn!

I would have liked to see a few more connections to the new spin-off series - "Two Guys, a Girl, and 500 Slayers."

"Suddenly, they were all run over by a truck."

Vera Lynn singing "We'll Meet Again" while numerous mushroom clouds bloom like a bouquet of deadly flowers.  That's how everything should end. Well....  maybe not EVERYTHING everything.

After the touching scene where Spike gives Buffy the last life jacket and sinks into the Atlantic, we fast-forward to the present day. Old Buffy is standing on the edge of the railing and produces the magical McGuffin pendant, which slips through her fingers and disappears into the ocean.

In a post-modern twist, a magical amulet switches Anthony Stewart Head to the role of James from the BBC program "Manchild," including full frontal nudity, lamentations about impotency, and a new career in dentistry.  Gellar plays Katherine from "Cruel Intentions," but no one notices the difference. The same can be said of Michelle Trachtenburg's transformation into her character "Penny" from Inspector Gadget.  Of course Alyson Hannigan goes off to band camp.

Screw the First Evil - Buffy should have had to fight all those masked guys from "Mister Personality." Now THAT would be scary!

That's easy. Fred should have revealed that the First was actually old man Withers, who was mining beneath the Hellmouth for buried pirate gold. Duh!

With an enormous farewell tour in which Gene Simmons sets himself on fire onstage. What? Oh. Well, Slayer, KISS, it's all the same to me. 

With the touching marriage of Smithers and Mr. Burns.

Giles boards a helicopter to go back to London.  During the final big battle in the Hellmouth, Xander wanders in with a message: a trans-atlantic flight carrying Rupert Giles crashed into the ocean.
There were no survivors.
And then Xander's head is lopped off.

Buffy burns down the gymnasium--Oh, you mean the television series.

Well, more nude scenes, CLEARLY. I mean, how many years did they tease us with this whole "buffy" thing. What? That was her name?!? Jeez. Now ya tell me.

Exit pursued by bear.

Do I even have to say it? Clearly Anya, Buffy, Willow, Faith, and the Slayerettes need to hold a bikini car watch to save the world from the evil First. The pillow fight scene is another high point.

Willow weeping, naturally.

Buffy seen wearing nothing but an avant-garde outfit made entirely of American cheese. Or is the cheese wearing nothing but her?

I just want to know what the deal was with that little girl playing baseball. Was she a potential VAMPIRE slayer, or UMPIRE slayer?

"You die, she dies, everybody dies"

The Tick shows up to beat the snot out of Clem. "Eating kittens? That's WRONG!"

Joseph Lieberman, who pointed out Buffy as an example of degenerate programming, guest stars as a true evil, THE CENSOR.  However, just as things look bad, a plain-talkin', genial cowboy known only as THE TEXAN comes into town and saves the day.  Together, the Scoobies and the Texan ride off into syndication.

The slayers finally allow the UN inspectors to come in and examine the Hellmouth.

Um, hello... Earth-shattering boom!

"If there's one thing I can't stand about Sunnydale, it's all the damn vampires."

With 23 more fistic encounters.

I think they should have just kept going for another season with all the potentials staying in Buffy's house and getting into hilarious hijinx. You know, like "Full House", only with more death.

Duh, bloodbath.

They should have brought back the singing demon from Once More, With Feeling.  Smoothest. Demon. Ever.

They all get turned into normal people and set free in Portland, Oregon, because "there are no adventures in Portland."
http://oneoverzero.keenspace.com/d/20030521.html

Oolong the pancake-balancing bunny proves that Anya was right all along.

With Buffy's defeat at the hands of her replacements: Buttercup the Vampire Slayer, Bubbles the Vampire Slayer, and Blossom the Vampire Slayer. Bigger Eyes mean bigger thrills on the upcoming Slayer Girls!

There undoubtedly should have been a Paul Reubens cameo.  [Note: Of course, for all I know, there WAS one at some point in the series.  --C]

Various peripheral characters shamelessly pitch their ideas for a spinoff called "AfterB*U*F*F*Y"

Big group hug and then all the demons march back down into the Hellmouth as they sing "It's A Long Way To Tipperary".

It all took place in the mind of an autistic Tommy Westphall...  Damn you, Tom Fontana!

As she ascends into heaven, Buffy looks down to see that Spike has spelled out "GOOD-BYE" with the skulls of demons.

Seth Green returns as Oz the werewolf, who goes on a rampage over on 'Animal Planet' and savagely kills Steve Irwin. It's considered a mercy killing... for the audience.

Willow gets it on with special guest star Jennie McCarthy.

John Ritter returns as android Ted, now in a committed relationship with Hymie the Robot.

Entire cast of Blake's 7 resurrected as undead for epic battle wherein everyone is killed (again).

All of the vampires banded together for a grand assault on the Slayer's fortress, and then keeled over when they ran out into the sun.

It turns out that the First has weapons of mass destruction, so they go into the Hellmouth to destroy them and save the demons and vampires from the cruel regime.  After a quick victory, however, the Scoobies find that administering millions of evil minions is more complex than it looks, and they sheepishly have to admit that they can't find the WMD their intelligence claimed would be there.  Buffy is chagrined, and makes every potential slayer a full slayer, a decent distraction tactic since as Slayer she can't legally cut taxes (the obvious move if you've got it available).

Final scene wherein studio executives lament fact that film franchise possibilities spoiled by previously existing product.

Anya survives and finds true love with a grown-up Eddie Munster, as played by special guest star Jason Marsden.  (Now in "X2: XMen United" playing Cyclops, Marsden played Eddie Munster in the 1990 remake "Munsters Today"!)

Dawn gets separated from the Potentials and discovers the entrance to the Batcave while entering the Hellmouth. Dick Grayson, the not so Boyish Wonder, shows her the true meaning of "the Batpole".

Principal Wood eaten by a giant carnivorous plant.

Carrot Top brutally slain. Possibly by Troghdar the Burninator.

More flaming arrows, rocket launchers and also a catapult.

Wedding episode where Freddie Prinze Jr is revealed to not have a pulse.

Maybe all of the potential slayers become contestants on "America's Top Model."

Buffy realizes the First Evil's true minion is President Bush, and gives him the Scythe. *ALL* Hellmouths permanently closed.

* A few were still clearly traumatized by how things actually DID end…*

All plot threads and 7 years of tantalizing hints and clues come together in an epic 2 hour show! Some live some die, and nothing will ever be the same! (or not. whatever. maybe just introduce a couple maguffins and deus ex machina your way to oblivion. it's not like grown men should really care anyway. god knows I don't. sniff.)

Um, how about two seasons earlier?

With a whimper not with a bang. (oh wait, that's how it DID end. nevermind...)

The most important thing is to kill an entertaining central character in a meaningless throwaway scene that doesn't even get dramatic music, and then have the rest of the cast pretty much ignore her death. What? They DID? Sheesh, blink and you miss it…

* And finally, with the longest answer… *

It could have been the ultimate TV crossover episode!  Among those TV characters who would have been seen receiving the blessing of power to become potential slayers are:
Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) - "Married... With Children"
Darlene Conners (Sarah Gilbert) - "Roseanne"
Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson) - "The X-Files"
Elly Mae Clampett (Donna Douglas) - "The Beverly Hillbillies"
Marilyn Whirlwind (Elaine Miles) - "Northern Exposure"
Carol Seaver (Tracey Gold) - "Growing Pains"
Dr. Kerry Weaver (Laura Innes) - "ER"
Kimberly Brock (Holly Marie Combs) - "Picket Fences"
Mallory Keaton (Justine Bateman) - "Family Matters"
Jessica Tate (Katherine Helmond) - "Soap"
       I am led away by sanitorium orderlies when I go on FAR too long with the crossover episode suggestions.
       No, wait!  I'm not finished!
Star Jones - "The View"
Erika Kane (Susan Lucci) - "All My Children"
Carol Post (Connie Hines) - "Mr. Ed"
Penny Woods (Janet Jackson) - "Good Times"
Prairie Dawn (a Muppet) - "Sesame Street"
Bess Lindstrom (Lisa Gerritsen) - "Phyllis", "The Mary Tyler Mo- urk!
 

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