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Question of the Week 09/23/02: Decades after Adam West went off the air, a live action Batman show is returning to the small screen. Except, of course, Batman isn't in it. It's called "Birds of Prey" and deals with the superhuman daughter of Batman and Catwoman. Holy "Dark Angel", Batman! Will it have guest appearances by Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt? Bat-thermal-underwear? Lame cliffhangers resolved at the same bird-time, same bird-channel? We want to know:WHAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "BIRDS OF PREY"? Well, after a season or so, people will realize that they've been watching episodes of "Roswell", and the producers just redubbed it and changed the main character's name from "Max" to "Clark". Oh, wait, that's going to be the biggest surprise on "Smallville." Bat-signal replaced by spot-lit silhouette of Commissioner Gordon flipping the Bird. When the stars inevitably flaunt their taut buttocks and jut out their perky breasts I want colorful comic-book style captions to burst onto the screen reading "Zowie!", "Yowza!", and "Humna-Humna-Humna!" Frank Gorshin stars as Two-Face's disturbed brother... he's acid-scarred on the RIGHT side, instead of the LEFT side. With the sad demise of Victor Buono, the challenging role of King Tut will fall to young Steve Martin. Jet-powered batmobile used to deliver pizza. Thirty seconds or it's free! Product placements abound. The Atom no longer uses a special belt to shrink to microscopic size; instead he has to follow a strict "Subway" diet. Helena Kyle (The Huntress/child of Batman/Catwoman) character does little but spend many an angstful hour in self loathing (Am I half cat? Half bat? Don't cats eat bats? Or maybe I'm half man? Half woman? Who am I? Why can't I get along with myself?). During sweeps week, we'll meet the Flash's daughter who, well... flashes. Halfway through the season, Helena finally opens the mysterious bat-box. With no explanation, the actresses playing Helena and Dinah suddenly switch roles, and wheelchair-bound Barbara Gordon is replaced by the dwarf from "Twin Peaks." Robin Leach to play creepy "Uncle Robin". A major product placement deal sees Ronald Macdonald cast as the Joker. Helena's greatest enemy? Two-Face's geeky twin sons, collectively referred to as "Four-Eyes." Catgirl's daughter fronts rock sensations Josie and the Pussycats. Who would have figured Burt Ward as Keyser Soze? In a stunning Warner Brothers tie-in, the first episode of "Birds of Prey" features a cameo by that chicken hawk from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. "I'm a chicken hawk! I eat CHICKENS!" Blue skies on Mars. She's a white surburban punk, just like me. The Joker is replaced by Mia Sara (from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"), starring as the villainous Harley Quinn. What? He really IS? Um, OK… In the big cliffhanger season finale, we meet the new Riddler: Anne Robinson. "Bird-girl, you ARE the weakest link. Goodbye!" Paul Lynde returns from the grave to portray The Scout Master -"Get 'em boys!" Touching flashbacks of Catwoman regurgitating food for her infant daughter. Not so much a superhero show as a "Kitten with a Whip" kinda show. To bring in a wider audience, the title is changed to "Two Girls, Another Girl, and a Batcave." Every week, a new Wayans as the villain. (… Do they work out of Stately Wayans Manor?) Older, fatter Joker played by Harvey Fierstein. "I just wanna be funny. Is that so wrong?" Huh? Sorry, got distracted about joke involving breasts, thighs, and wings... The main character is the daughter of the square-jawed CARTOON Batman. She is portrayed by an amazingly versatile Patrick Warburton, straight off his short-lived stint as TV's The Tick. Weird cameo of David Boreanaz, as Angel, lost in New Gotham, after floating onto the beach. Superheroes toss him back into the ocean. Ummm.... It will have guest appearances by Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt.... and let's see.... plus bat-thermal underwear and uhhh.... lame cliffhangers resolved at the same bird-time, same bird-channel...... MOM! He used all the answers I wanted to give!!!!! Constant running commentary by David Attenborough: "An alleyway... in... New Gotham. In this desolate and... harsh environment, a biological anomaly goes about... its nocturnal business. This... bizarre offspring of a bat and an... ordinary... house cat is known for its... pouty lips and moments of... juvenile... introspection and self doubt." Meanwhile, back in the bat-boudoir...... In special pay-per-view broadcast - hot lesbian action with guest stars from "Black Scorpion" and "Witchblade". Jessica Alba will play the daughter of William Omaha McElroy, aka King Tut. It's hinted on the Internet that we get to see her "nefertitties". Our heroine coughs up an enormous hairball in the first episode, thus saving the day in some manner or other. All I'm sayin' is, watch where you park your car when you're on the WB lots. Especially if you drive a convertible. Keep a buffing rag with you. Buy some extra car washes at the service station. BECAUSE OF THE BIRD POOP! *NOW* DO YOU GET IT!?! Sheesh. Laura Innes will play the daughter of Alfred Pennyworth and Hazel the Maid. "I'll ne-hever te-he-ell!" Janeane Garofalo will play Ms. Puffin, the daughter of the Penguin. In a special cross-over with "Friends", a grown-up Emma Greene-Geller travels back in time; to ask for the help of the Huntress in making sure she isn't murdered by cyborg robots from the future. Ellen DeGeneres will play the daughter of Lola Lasagna. (See... Lola was played by Ethel Merman. Not that there's anything wrong with that.) "Superhuman" must mean the Catwoman genes prevailed. ...Yes, you dolt, I'm a cat. Now *bring me my dinner and clean my toilet!* Rikki Lake will play the daughter of Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. Some kind of bunny-themed villain with the nefarious ability to balance pancakes on its head? Her enemies are the Goodfeather pigeons, late of Animaniacs. She does that trick where she stoops on bottles of Bud Light. Her razor-sharp beak makes things difficult for the love interests... Show ends when she idly wanders into a Randy Johnson fastball. New campy theme by reunited B-52s This Network needs an enema... Title mis-spelling. Actually "Birds of Pray"- the first Jesuit superhero show since 1954's classic "Altarboys". Turns out to be sponsored by Mutual of Omaha with hosts Marlin Perkins and Alec Baldwin. Lee Merriweather will make a special guest appearance during November Sweeps as Betty Jones of "Barnaby Jones". She will be seeking revenge for being dismissed by true fans when it is revealed that she was that other, bad-movie Catwoman. Robbie Rist returns as "Cousin Oliver". Now a villiain, he is known as the Shark-Jumper. Daughter of Two-Face will pick up where her father left off. She will take the alias of Two-Faced Bitch. Steven Hill appears as former D.A. Adam Schiff in the finale of each episode to wheeze a pithy closing line. May Sweeps brings a crossover with MTV's "Real World: Gotham City". The smartest man in the world- revealed to be Bizarro W. The mixed-up Mr. Clean (Vin Diesel) joins Royal Flush Gang. New villains for the 21st century, like the deadly Downsizer! To counter the Tinseltown muscle of rival "Dark Angel" producer, James Cameron, "Growing Pains" star and teen heartthrob Kirk Cameron brought onboard to produce "Birds of Prey." Due to an unexpected contractual obligation, Alan Thicke to sing theme song. A jilted, embittered, fifty-something Boy Wonder is a recurring villain, blaming the lead character for his loss of Batman's affections. Adam West can still carry off those tights. But that's no surprise, surely... Desperate to pay off her court costs without affecting the stock price of her business empire, Martha Stewart appears as a new villain, The Decorator. When stately Wayne Mansion gets a nocturnal makeover, it's war! I admit to being a bit disgusted when the lead actresses were eating fish and rodents raw. She's a bird, you say? Well, birds must eat constantly, so three guesses what her dark conflict is... All flying is done on broomsticks. Dick Cheney found to be hiding in the Batcave. Theme song will be by Flock of Seagulls. Flock of Seagulls murdered in the series debut and the audience rejoices. New wall-climbing window cameo stars: Jay Leno (He'll take any gig!) Rudy Giuliani Camilla Parker-Bowles Harvey Fierstein as Edna Turnblad from the musical "Hairspray" Bob Newhart, doing a phone routine Anna Nicole Smith Tony Bennett Ozzie Osbourne Don Rickles C-3PO Janet Reno Larry King Rodney Dangerfield Spinal Tap Andy Dick John Goodman Siegfried and Roy OJ Simpson Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer Peter Falk as Lt. Columbo Robert Vaughn and David McCallum as the Men From U.N.C.L.E. Louise Lasser as "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" (The Huntress climbs up on her pigtails.) Elephant Man's bones Beavis and Butthead Triumph the Insult Comic Dog That "The Falcon" turns out to be just a slightly overweight housewife going about her daily business and the series is the biggest flop in history. And that's saying a lot.
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