Question of the Week 01/22/03:

There have been a lot of rumors floating around about a sequel to the Disney movie "Tron". A computer game called "Tron 2.0" is coming out any day now. But let's face it, the world of computers is a very different place than it was when Tron was produced. Rampant viruses, spam, porn downloads, and, well, the Question of the Week... all these things are part of the compuer landscape of today. So, we want to know:

WHAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN TRON: THE SEQUEL?


Instead of fighting with Frisbees, the heroes will have to balance pancakes on their heads.

Jennifer Lopez as "JPeg", singing the theme song "Da Doo Tron Tron".

All the dancing hamsters.

DeForest Kelley's dialogue as ".doc" was digitally recreated after his death.   "I'm a document, not an art file!"

Edward Norton will play the new hero, Norton Utilities.

That vile Master Control Program is at it again! Using advanced laser technology, it's kidnapping innocent users and forcing them to test SARAC until they die playing.

Since Bill Gates' copyright of 1's and 0's, new bit to be replaced with that creepy MSN butterfly guy.

It's just "Mortal Kombat" with new dubbing.

The gallons of milky white fluid.

For added production value, Jeri Ryan will star as "Barbie Tron."

Tron gets trapped in Star Wars: Galaxies; after a short career as a wookie groomer, he settles down on his own quiet moisture farm. Yori gets a job dancing at Jabba's Palace.

When the heroes finally get the title of the book translated, it reads "To Serve Bill Gates"

All I'm saying is "Dude, where's my ROM?"

SimNimoy!

In an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of more recent films, the title will be "Lord of the Web-Rings."

Twenty beautiful pixels compete for the love of Joe Gigabyte, only to learn he's not as... big as he claims.

That annoying guy who says "You've got mail!" for AOL is revealed to be the voice of the villain - the "Duke of URL".

Tron (Bruce Boxleitner again) is warned: "If you go to www.Zha-ha-dun.com, you will be de-rezzed."

Tron replaced by the heroic Linux, who is fighting for an open source system! And, of course, sucking his thumb and hauling around a blanket...

This time, it's war! While billed as "Saving Private Ryan for the Information Age", the action primarily consists of our heroes firing cannonballs at the MCP; it takes them two hours to finally get the right angle to hit it. Most of the movie is seen from a cannonball's-eye view.

Due to the extreme sexual content, what with the URL on URL action, lots of guys in raincoats will be palming their pilots.

The film is dedicated to the makers of the Wizardry roleplaying game; it's subtitled "To Sir-Tech with Love."

Lots of product placement for Lay's potato chips. Get it? CHIPS! Ha!

When the heroes finally reach the core of the cyberspace big bang, they find Al Gore is God.  "I invented this."  

AOL Prison. This minimum-security prison is sometimes called The Biggish House. Inmate members are fully monitored at all times, and forbidden from seeing things as others do. But on the plus side, they are kept pacified with daily doses of Slingo!

It will be.... good?

It won't be… baud?

They burn Jeff Bridges behind them?

Constant cacophonous MP3 storms mean that all dialogue will be in semaphore and sign language. They'll call it GoTRONisqatsi.

Renee Zellwegger as "Bitmap" sings "All That Rezz".

The cool MUD wrestling scene.

Anthony Anderson, fresh off the insane success of "Kangaroo Jack", provides the comic relief as "Numlock"......
Numlock (blubbering):  I put the memory in the email; I let the worm get into the email.... and now the worm just took off with the memory-y-y-y-y-y.....!"

MCP is now  MC Masta P.  Give it up fo' da MC P,  y'all!

Fish People vs. Bird People!

ENCOM replaced with WORLDRON

Tron wonders what he's supposed to do with these five giant lion-mechs.

Disc combat replaced by disc golf.  "Dude, watch the tank hazard on your left."

We're supposed to believe that Windows is a competant MCP.

Worst insult to a program: "You were coded in St. Petersburg!"

Even though the Infinita is one light year in height, it can still fight individual power suit troopers.

Tron replaced with Lara Croft.

Ghost of RAM telling the users that 640K ought to be enough for anybody...

The religious caste is known as the Bene Alt-Control-Delete Sisterhood.

It turns out that we all live in a virtual reality, and our real bodies are batteries for. . . what?  They did? Stupid Keanu.  He ruins everything.

The heroes have to rent their lightcycles from Hertz.

Using innovative technology, the film will be shot in the second person, so the audience is dragged into a computer to play games to the death, while the director, actors, and tech crew watch and giggle.

A longer, more extended lightcycle scene. But this time, if you go too fast, you might have a heart attack!

John Rhys Davies appears as "Gifli".

Bruce Boxleitner and Peter Jurasik finally emerge from that long Babylon 5 game. They have learned a valuable lesson, and they've written a song about it!

Mark Wahlberg is "Logfile".  And it doesn't take all movie long to find out how he got that name, like it did in "Boogie Nights"!

The good guys will be suits working for the government and major corporations, trying to stop the evil, edgy, punk hackers.  Tom Ridge will guest star as The Man, and save the day.

Tom Cavanaugh rides the coat-tails of his TV character as ".edu".

Advertising tag: "It's Baud-y!"

Sandra Bernhard plays "Mega-Hertz".

John Cleese has a cameo as "Mr. Qwerty", behind the front desk at the HTML California.

TRON meets TROFF and the pace of the movie stalls.

Andy Serkis to play Gollum, a virus program.

Keanu can't do light cycles.

Enrique Inglesias is miscast as "Avi".

The Onion Dome-  Combining the best elements of America's Finest News Source (tm) and the KGB (tm).

George Lucas crying like a little girl.

Defeating the Master Control Program was easy. But now Tron will have to face… Darth Gates!

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