My recent trip to
Seattle delayed the QoW, but I'm back now! Luckily, people used the extra time
to come up with some excellent answers to last week's question. But on to this
week's question!
The Denver Aquarium has been suffering from serious financial problems. Now, the
cash-strapped aquarium is seeking to make a deal with the Ripley's entertainment
consortium (yes, of Ripley's Believe it or Not). So we want to know:
WHAT CHANGES WILL
RIPLEY'S MAKE AT THE DENVER AQUARIUM?
In an effort to attract a more mature audience, "tigers and whipped cream" act
replaced by "strippers and whipped cream" show.
Oh, the usual… kick out the inspectors, get the nuclear power plant going again,
and start producing weapons of mass destruction.
Questionable, deceptive advertising. "Kids! Come see the new Hairy Otter
exhibit!"
Who comes to DENVER expecting to see FISH? They're going to tear it down and
replace it with a cattle ranch.
Ripley will have to descend into the heart of the Aquarium to rescue an adorable
moppet from the clutches of... what was the question again?
One word: Jabberjaw.
Attendance will soar, thanks to Ripley's simple yet effective soft-sell
technique of changing the name from "Ocean Journey" to "Ocean Destination".
More ponies! Everyone wants a pony.
At least get a tiger that's eaten a few hundred people.
They plan to frighten people off with a story about the Shark God, while they
search for the buried pirate gold. Too bad about those meddling kids…
Aquarium over, man! Aquarium OVER!!!
Come on! If the aquarium staff can just pull together and hold a bikini car
wash, I'm sure they could save the aquarium from the evil investors!
Celebrity endorsement! It's not just a boring old horseshoe crab... it's BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN'S horseshoe crab!
In an effort to "punch up" the entertainment, the sharks will be used in live
reenactments of "Jaws" every day at noon. Bring the kids!
Aw, dammit. I was so sure there was going to be a deal involving early 80's
superstars Journey and Billy Ocean.
More product placements! Why use plain ol' water in the tanks when you could use
berry-blasted Blue Pepsi™?
Ripley will add an exhibit featuring preserved, failed attempts to engineer an
alien from her DNA. Y'know, so she can stare in fascinated horror if she gets
the itch.
They're bringing in this fish-headed guy...
http://yoga.tripod.co.jp/flash/kikkomaso.swf
Breathy new spokesman: Jack Palance. "Archer fissssh. Believe it [long,
noisy inhale through teeth], or naaaaaaht."
Big deal about how sharks have multiple rows of teeth, which is not at all like
an alien having an extra mouth inside its regular mouth, but they'll still try
to market it that way.
In an effort to make the habitats more realistic, Exxon sponsors the Valdez
Memorial Oil Spill exhibit.
I'm not sure it's safe to guess the motives of anything called an Entertainment
Consortium.
Huge money made when Ripley changes the name from "Ocean Journey" to "Starfish
Wars: The Phantom Anemones!"
I can't believe how criminally malnourished the specimens are!
Due to drought conditions: water replaced by fire in all exhibits.
New freak show exhibit: "See the half dogfish, half catfish! Marvel at the
two-headed eel! Watch a male seahorse give birth!" (yes, I know...)
BELIEVE IT OR NOT-We can make this aquarium profitable!
Instead of beach balls, seals balance bunnies balancing pancakes on their noses.
Live nude Gungan revue!
I Can't Believe It's Not Fish! (TM)
Aquarium renamed "Ripley's Believe it or Cod".
Less fish. More shrunken heads.
Fierce Creatures: Boxing Turtles that actually Box -vs- "Golden Gloves"
goldfish
There will be this schtick with a guy with piercings in uncomfortable places and
an octopus and... well... it's not gonna be pretty.
Instead of feeding the sharks, they'll show the guy crazy enough to swim with
them when there's blood in the water.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT-- An ocean made the journey all the way to Denver!
ON DISPLAY-- The Loch Ness monster!
Great exhibit of fiji mermaids. Don't stand too close at feeding time!
Lot more Ripley, lot less ripple-y...
Otter Pops to have an entirely different meaning.
Makes no difference, it'll still tank!
I can't believe how much higher the ticket prices got! No, wait... ah, there it
is.
Totally rework the classic facade to look like some Yu-Gi-Oh! knockoff. What
utter crap...
After Feeding Hour, divers enter shark tank toting breakfast foods for Pancake
Wearing Time!
I cannot get over how they replaced the porn stars with Volvo-driving soccer
moms.
Finally, we'll have adequate wheelchair ramps and handrails! What? Oh. I
thought you said "Crippley's." Nevermind.
"But a few hundred miles from the Sea of Cortes... the Colorado River...
DISAPPEARS without a trace! Believe it.... or not!"
The aquarium will have the Lobster-boy, the smallest mermaid, and a shark made
of belly button lint.
Three-headed otters.
Display of the actual shark that ate a fishing boat with 3 Filipino fisherman
still on board.
