Universal Pictures
has recently optioned the movie rights to Michael Moorcock's Elric saga. For
those of you who don't know Elric, this is a classic fantasy series about the
exploits of a clinically depressed albino sorcerer-king with a soul-sucking
sword and a tendency to accidentally kill his chums. Elric has fought gods and
demons - but can he overcome the cosmic horror that is Hollywood?
We want to know:
WHAT WILL BE THE
BIGGEST SURPRISE ABOUT ELRIC: THE MOVIE?
Michael Jackson is the disturbed albino sorcerer-king kept alive by chemicals,
his self-involved ennui slowly disintegrating his empire and destroying his
family. What? Elric? Never heard of it. A movie, you say?
Zarozinia is shocked when Arioch reveals that Elric isn't a sorcerer-king at all
- in fact, he's a bricklayer from Lormyr who only makes 19 gold pieces a year.
I was surprised when the Sorcerers of Pan Tang challenged Elric to a live,
unscripted debate to be broadcast across the entire Multiverse.
Moonglum 50% less glum.
It's actually just redubbed footage from Terry Gilliam's failed "Man of La
Mancha".
A big fight between Chaosium (who own the gaming rights) and White Wolf (who own
the fiction rights) over who gets to do the game of the movie. Wait, that's not
a surprise...
Arioch's name changed to "Altria" so that no one will know he's naughty...
Someone accidentally messes up the opening title and it reads: Eric: the movie
Climactic battle for Elric's soul between the "wizards" Prozac and Zoloft. "Ask
your alchemist if Zoloft is right for you. Sorcerer Kings should not wield a
soul-sucking sword while taking Zoloft. Side effects may include throne rash."
In an effort to bring in the ladies, the land of Melnibone is changed to
Melnibone Gibson.
Dragons replaced by Gungans. You know, for kids.
The problem with a soul-sucking sword in Hollywood is the fact that they're
ALREADY soulless.
The touching finale, in which Zarozinia and Cymoril save the decaying kingdom of
Melnibone by holding a chainmail-bikini dragon wash.
I thought the author's vision was a bit betrayed by the third film in the
trilogy, "Elric in the Time of Prozac".
R2-D2 can FLY!!!
The bold way in which Elric is re-conceptualized as a small boy with thick
glasses and a lightning-bolt scar.
When Elric the Albino King, accompanied by Moonglum the Redmaned, takes
Stormbringer the Demonsword to the native lands of Ookla the Mok, there to meet
Thundarr the Barbarian.
Look, this Elric fellow's gotta get onboard the wagon to Helpville, cause his
relationships are drivin' round Wolf Crick Pass in winter and he don't have his
snow tires on, you understand me? Anyone who thinks stabbin' his girlfriend in
her pretty kidneys with a glorified kitchen knife will solve those Don't Love Me
Blues has got some serious brain realignment to do, I tell you what. Pardon?
Why, yes, I am Dr. Phil. Who's askin'?
Around the time they send a couple of hobbits off to Mount Doom, someone clues
the producer in that the name is Elric, not Elrond.
I thought Emo Philips was a surprising casting choice for the lead.
Ayn Rand's controversial script transforms Melnibone from hedonistic pleasure
empire into iron-fisted bureaucratic dystopia.
In a marketing twist, McDonalds changes its kid's special from "Happy Meal" to
"Angst-y Meal."
ELRIC: THE MUSICAL! by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Lloyd Alexander!
Owing to copyright problems with Deep Purple Music Publishing Ltd, the name of
the sword can no longer be Stormbringer. In a coup of product placement, it is
renamed Prozac.
Young Kingdoms changed to "HOT, HORNY TEEN Kingdoms" for marketing purposes.
Arioch goes up chutes and down ladders.
Decadent Melniboneans Reveal: "Hobbit tastes like chicken!"
Pan'tang renamed Iraq.
It's not "Elric of Melnibone" - it's "Elric the Half-a-bee".
Stormbringer's color changed to green so as not to offend. Leads to Muppet
tie-in as sword sucks foe's souls while singing "It's not easy being green",
thus missing the point that people are generally cranky about having their souls
sucked out. If they wanted that they would work for a computer game company.
Danny DeVito as Elric, Judge Reinhold as Moonglum.
Oscar Winner (tm) Halle Berry (tm) as Stormbringer (tm)!
Faithful companion Moonglum portrayed by Robin Williams. "Elric, you are a
fashion dis-AS-ter! What is this, white-on-white-on-WHITE season? I don't
think so! Come on over here! And bring that AWFULLY BIG sword with you!"
Stormbringer voiced by Paul Williams (the only actor both small and evil enough
to be believable in the role).
Elric played by Djimon Hounsou.
Stormbringer, the soul-eating demon-sword, voiced by sass-talking John Leguizamo.
Elric introduced to the wonders of Prozac. Movie ends with a campfire
sing-along.
Written and Directed by George Lucas. Now with 700% more Gungans.
This is the new animated musical from the team that brought you Roly Poly Olie!
"Jingizu! Jingizu!"
Melnibone just like Bag End. Except with more drugs and sex. And torture.
Johnny and Edgar Winter enter Celebrity Boxing to bout for the title role and
theme song rights "Elric of Motherfuckin' Melnibone Rocks Your D&D Ass!"
Once again, how relevant and tastefully-done the shower scene is.
Convergence of "Eternal Champions" from book two reinterpreted to allow cameo
appearances by Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, Vin Diesel as XXX, Viggo Mortensen
as Aragorn, and Keanu Reeves as Neo. When they all combine into a single
entity, the resulting mega-leading-man melts female co star into a puddle of goo
and instantaneously creates one thousand spin-off franchises across space and
time.
The most surprising thing would be an award-winning soundtrack by Hawkmoon.
I dunno, but if it takes 1200 pages to make three Lord of the Rings movies,
Universal could make the entire Elric saga into a four-episode sitcom and still
have to REMOVE invented scenes for the Special Edition DVD to make it more
faithful to the books.
