Question of the Week 03/07/03:

Despite Iraq's efforts to mollify the UN, the President seems determined to press ahead with plans for war. Why this push for conflict? Is it about oil? Is it about what's best for the Iraqi people, or for the safety of US citizens? Or is there some deeper, more hiiden motive? We want to know:

WHY DOES PRESIDENT BUSH REALLY WANT TO GO TO WAR WITH IRAQ?


My enemy has a first name, it's S-A-D-D-A-M; my enemy has a second name, it's H-U-S-S-E-I-N.  I love to bomb Iraq all day, and if you ask me why I'll saaay, 'cause sending troops to far away, will help me keep evil at bay.

He really wants to go to war with France, Germany, and Russia - he just wants to trick them into making the first move.

Opposes dictators who received a majority of the popular vote.

You put the inspectors in,
You take the inspectors out,
You put the inspectors in and you move them all about.
You drop the daisy cutters and you try to kill Saddam:
That's what it's all about!

France is against war.  DO YOU NEED A BETTER REASON!?!

It's his unresolved Oedipal complex. He's not angry at Saddam for trying to kill his father. He's just pissed because Saddam screwed it up.

Because of COURSE the whiny farmboy has to topple the empire that his father helped to power.

Because you just can't go around flouting the U-after-Q rule like that without serious repercussions.  If anyone's a defender of the English language, it's George W. Bush.

He wants to impress Jodie Foster, and since he can't kill the president of OUR country, he figures this is the next best thing.

He's just acting on the advice of his new Secretary of Defense - Ripley from "Aliens".

America spells war I-R-A-C-K  (Turns out we're not very good spellers....)

It's taken him this long to find Carmen SanDiego, and he's not about to let her get away again!

Starting a war is one of the final hazing rituals for the Skull & Bones Society.

The hero of the first movie left unfinished business, so his son's back in the sequel.  What?  This isn't a novel plot device?  Oh.

Saddam got chocolate in our peanut butter!

The whole thing is actually part of a clever marketing scheme. At the final address to the United Nations, Bush will reveal that he's NOT drinking Diet Pepsi - he's drinking Diet Pepsi Twist. Then he'll reveal that he's NOT declaring war on Iraq - he's declaring war on the ENTIRE WORLD.

Well, he's already sold the movie rights…

Look, don't lay all this on Bush - the poor guy's just reading the teleprompter.

Because you just can't entertain yourself with ants and a magnifying glass forever. 

Because Saddam Hussein banned "The Hounds of Love" and "The Sensual World." Oh, wait - that's why KATE Bush wants to go to war with Iraq. 

Sometimes you feel like a war, sometimes you don't!

It's all part of his Risk strategy.

Enhanced replayability.  America has unlocked several new special moves since it last completed this stage, and it wants to try out its new combo attacks on an old boss!

In the great MMORPG that is international conflict, you gotta level up with the Talibans and Saddams before joining the raid on North Kurana-- I mean, North Korea.

He hasn't been able to enjoy a good execution since he stepped down as governor of Texas.

He just needs to get two more punches on his card - then his next international incident is free!

We finally have definitive evidence that Saddam Hussein is sheltering COBRA lieutenants Destro and the Baroness.  Send in Wild Bill and the Dragonfly!

Saddam clearly poses a major threat to the United States due to his connections to that infamous international terrorist, Bert from Sesame Street.

Why else? He wants to be the Wrestling Champion of the World, dude! Oh, wait - that's why Bush wants to go to war with the ROCK.

He's finally seen through that flimsy fake mustache disguise and realized that Saddam Hussein is actually Dick Cheney.

Bush won two free tickets to the show.  He thought he'd take Hussein in the hope the band would play "Why Can't We Be Friends?"

He's following God's example and wiping out Saddam tomorrah.

There are a number of reason that Bush wants to go to war -- sadly, most seem to be related to the fact that he watched too much TV as a child:

Because the classic blunder is to start a land war in Asia, and he doesn't dare go up against those Sicilians, so he thought he'd split the difference.

He's trying to remove his possible competition for "The Bachlorette 2".

"You know, this relationship isn't going to get anywhere if you keep hiding things from me."

Obvious. It's because his mommy wouldn't let him play with toy soldiers when he was a kid.

He's seen "Black Hawk Down" one too many times.

Because it would be more fun to go to war with Iraq than to go to war with Istick.

He's still stinging from his humiliating loss on "American Idol."

You don't say.   I thought he just wanted to Go Fish with Iraq.

Because they ROCK! Oh, wait - that's why Bush wants to go to GWAR with Iraq.

He's secretly hoping someone will record and air his Def Leppard parody idea: "Rock Iraq 'Till They Drop."  He would also be happy with a Cypress Hill-y "(Shoot) Hussein in the Brain."

He needed to do SOMETHING exciting for sweeps week!

He's got $96 billion burning a hole in his pocket and has to do SOMETHING with it.

He's convinced that he needs to provide a distraction so Frodo can make it to Mordor to destroy the Ring of Power.

A rock killed his doggy.

Because he can't stand any word that ends in "Q". It goes against everything he stands for, and if he has to nuke the words that end in "Q" off the face of the earth, he will!

He's just venting his frustrations. He's pissed that Landry's Restaurants beat his bid on the Denver Aquarium.

It's the sugar ants! Always the sugar ants!!

Saddam Hussein is holding Bush's pet monkey, Clives, hostage in a filthy Baghdad flophouse.

Eh, what the heck.  We've got nothing better to do this decade.

Going on intel linking Iraq to Terrence and Phillip.  You're next, Canada!

Saddam's mustache revealed to be a powerful Precursor Artifact capable of transforming he who holds it into a God... or a Demon.

Confused between Saddam Hussein, mustached Despotic Ruler of Iraq, and Sammy Hudson, the kid he still holds a grudge against for getting to be the "Atom" in his 3rd grade school play "Energy for America" when "W" couldn't pronounce Nuclear correctly.

Saddam has a secret FLAMING MARSHMALLOW BALROG!
http://aintitcoolnews.com/display.cgi?id=14357

Winter's over.  It's now safe to start a land war in Asia.

He's just always been a big fan of that Edwin Starr song.  He keeps promising himself he'll learn all the lyrics one day.

Bush wants Satan to be HIS bitch.

Because spending $200 billion to bomb the cradle of civilization is both compassionate AND conservative!

Needs excuse to go all Clint Eastwoody on TV.  Squint harder, Dumbya!

Because going to war with anyone who poses a real threat might not be politically correct.

Because the green ones make him horny

Because Sadam thought up "Yahoo.com" first...

They have no bikini car washes.

Seems like someone's a tad jealous of Satan's romantic advances toward Saddam...

He's trying to maintain the reputation of the Republican Party as one of stubborn violent assholes.

Look, this is the oldest story in the book:  Insecure, sexually repressed patriarch longs to thrust surrogate phalli repeatedly into the fertile triangular creche from whence all humanity has sprung.  It's not like you have to be Freud here or anything.

Secret deal with the Keebler Corporation:  One delicious chocolate-chip cookie delivered to the Oval Office for each Iraqi scalp.  Leaked internal memo reveals that every three Keebler chocolate-chip cookies are MADE from one Iraqi scalp.  Resulting scandal destroys the Presidency and the prepackaged snack industry; country returns to fiefdom/serfdom and eats only hardtack and salted meats

*Contrary to popular belief, we at the QoW do occasionally make mistakes. In this case, the question was inadvertently presented as "Why does President Bush want to go to way with Iraq?" While most people ignored the mistake, a few answers incorporated the typo…*

The President wants to go to... way... with Iraq...   Uh, lemme just grab my Bush Translation Manual...

BUSH wants to go to AMWAY with IRAQ? (the typo-detecting version)

Well, Bush isn't getting any at home, (ex-librarian pro-teacher Laura Welch Bush probably whacks his knuckles when he gets it wrong) so he's doing the next best thing... blowing things up. What? Oh I thought you said "why is he  having his way with Iraq"...


* And finally, with the longest answer, Mr. Joe Zemek…*
All his life, he's been gunning for Saddam, Saddam weasels out, never admits nothing, no resolution yet but he's getting close, closer to a tyrant at the end of his rope.  All night long, he dreams of the day, when Dad called off the war and let Saddam get away.  It leaves him with the feeling that he feels the most, feels it come alive when he hears Saddam boast. When he's done with Iraq, on to the next one, when he's done with North Korea, on to the next one, when he's done with Iran, on to the next one, when he's done with the US he'll be on to the next!!!
Yeeeaah, Bush'll lay some waste, he's gonna give Saddam a taste,
Wheeen heee's takin' him doooown.
Yeeeaah, forget those heads of state, who think it's wise to mediate.
Iraaaaaqiiiiis better duck dooooooooooooooooooooooown!
--Fool Fighters

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