Question of the Week 05/20/03:

5/20/03:  This week's question!

This week we're turning from the media to politics. After serving as the public face of the Bush Administration through two years, Ari Fleischer has resigned his position. So we want to know:

WHO SHOULD REPLACE WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN ARI FLEISCHER?
 

I suppose Muhammed Said al-Saaf is too obvious a choice?  The former Iraqi Minister of Information did give us the best quote for 2003, a line that should be the slogan for this administration: "I now inform you that you are far from reality." And hey - the guy needs a job!

How about a Domino's Pizza guy? They're trained to deliver crap to the public in 30 minutes or less.

Number Two of The Village: "Questions are a burden to others, answers a prison for oneself."

Mystique - that blue shape-changing mutant from the X-MEN. Experience serving in the Government. Is evil. Smarter than the president. Has secret agenda. And she's a hottie.  RESULTS: Press conferences beat Friends in the ratings every time.

My understanding is that all future press conferences will be handled directly by the Ministry of Truth.

Grima Wormtongue.  He would only have his master's interests at heart as he slips poison into the ears of the assembled press corps.

Pinnochio for several reasons.  1. A token minority. 2. A sop to the Italian "bosses" within the Republican party. 3. A brazen liar. 4. Someone to skewer the liberal media (literally). 5. A counter to the liberal's bogus claims that Republicans are not interested in renewable resources. By simply continuing W's message of compassionate conservatism, the big P will provide for lumber for generations to come!

How about the Hamburglar? "Faced with hard questions about the rescue of Pvt. Jessica Lynch, the White House spokesman said 'Robble robble robble robble.'"

Ari resigned?!?   Wow!   Two hellmouths shut down in one day!

Squealer the pig. He assures us that Ari has been put out to pasture and is enjoying fresh clover every day.

Joe Isuzu. Recently seen lobbying (well loitering...) in DC with a sign reading "Will replace Ari Fleischer for food".

Dr. Gene Ray. Any time the press corps asked him a difficult question, he'd start spouting off about Time Cube. "I have demonstrated absolute unrefutable proof of 4 simultaneous 24 hour days with in a single rotation of Earth. No other man or god can claim such Truth manifestation." (www.timecube.com)

Keanu Reeves -- He's the one! After his twenty minute lecture on David Hume's formulation of causality as an a priori structure of the human mind, simply reading the president's lies should be easy. And chicks dig him.

I understand that a Terminator has been sent back in time to take over for Ari. Wait a minute… I thought the Terminator was trying to PREVENT the destruction of the human race!

Didn't we endure the show "Are You Hot?" to make sure this question was answered?

I understand that Snoop Dogg is preparing his acceptance speech.

Helen Thomas - Even if for one day (which is as long as she'd live through it!), let the old bag see what it's like from the other side after all those years down in the front row.

How about Woody Allen?  "I'm sorry, could you-- could you repeat the question?  Because every time I see that little old lady in the front row glaring at me I think I'm having that dream again where my mother assaults me with questions about Iran's nuclear weapons program and my flagging sex life.  And, really, all apologies to Helen Thomas, really.  She's much more attractive than my mother."

Republican stalwart Ahnold Schwarzeneggar. Being invited to the "press room" will take on a whole new sweaty meaning.

You insensitive bastard!   Anya's *dead*!   How can I think about Ari Felcher or whatever his name is with Anya dead?!?   And my Coke's warm!   What the hell!...   ...maybe I should come back to this later.

Well, what about Emma Caulfield? I mean, Anya's dead, and she IS a republican…

Let Sister Mary Ignatius explain it all for us......

Bill Clinton, having wowed the world with his evasive interview answers like "That depends on what the meaning of is is," will have no trouble answering questions about Iraq's material breeches by clarifying that nothing got into his britches.

I think that William Shatner would bring a lot to the role. "The lives of… 50… million… men and women… are depending on…"

Ari Fleischer is replaced by a can of Folgers Crystals.  We can't tell the difference.

What about that creepy guy who does the ads for Vanilla Coke?

Max Headroom, of course!

Lance Armstrong.  Spokes... man... never mind.

Ben Stein. 'Nuff said.

Somebody who will give a straight answer to Russell Morkhiber. http://www.commondreams.org/headlines03/0422-10.htm suggests some consequences.

It's not "who", it's "what." The answer, of course, is five ducks in a battlesuit.

Martin Sheen, except that people would think HE was the President.

Whoever gets the job should be proficient in the use of hand puppets.  I'm just sayin', is all.

I think, clearly, this is the time for Captain Caveman and his no-nonsense approach to public policy to return to the political square.

Jay and Silent Bob.  "The President strongly favors tax cuts for the baked-off-their-ass."

Doctor Zaius! (Doctor Zaius, Doctor Zaius)

Better be someone who can curse real well -- maybe Dennis Hopper or John
Malkovich -- because I hear the head speech writer is also stepping down and
they're bringing in David Mamet to replace him.

Harlan Ellison.  No real reason except it'd be fun to see him explode the first time he was asked a dumb question.

Why, media darling Donald Rumsfeld, of course!

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.  There will be no consequences of the switch.

A pretzel vendor

Professor Irwin Corey - leave 'em scratching their heads

An inanimate carbon rod!

Chris Floyd!  He's fast becoming a conservative mouthpiece, he's already bald, *and* he'll do entertaining arm-wavy stuff that Ari, frankly, couldn't really handle.

This is Karl Rove.   I'm afraid you are all unauthorized to answer this question, cuz it's mine!   Mine, Mine, MINE!        

ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!! Pick me!! Pick me!! (mwahahahahaha)

 

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