Question of the Week 05/15/03:

5/15/03:  This week's question!

Well, it's kind of predictable, and it's only been a week since we had a movie question, but we can hardly pass up the chance to ask...

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "THE MATRIX RELOADED"?
 

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Judging by those round nodules on everyone's arms and backs, the Machines are not only short on power but also building materials and have started using human beings as both batteries and LEGO blocks.

The real surprise is the plan to release a new version of the original "Matrix" next year. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez play Neo and Trinity, while Patrick Stewart takes a turn as Agent Smith.

In a brilliant product placement, the true villain of the next movie is revealed to be Agent Smith's mother, sinister pie-maker Mrs. Smith. Neo finally defeats the brutish baker by tricking her into calculating the value of pie to the last digit.

All the shade-wearing, despite an apparent lack of any brightness of the future.

That Jada Pinkett Smith actually has a major role and makes critical contributions to the plot. Oh, wait - I was watching the Spike Lee movie "Bamboozled." Are you absolutely sure Jada Pinkett Smith is IN The Matrix Reloaded?

The film is a thinly disguised crash course in linear algebra. This is important because, after watching it, you'll receive a phone call giving you a particularly evil system of linear equations and only seven days to solve them.

This time, the Terminator's a chick! Wait, I'm looking at the wrong "Flashbacks between unstoppable guys with sunglasses in the modern world and killer robots in the grim grimy future" summer blockbuster again, aren't I?

There is no spoon.  Tick disappointed.  (tip to GPF)

In the first movie, Neo has to choose between two pills. In the second, he has to choose between two doors. In the third, he has a nervous breakdown when he is asked to choose between THREE things.

When the Matrix crashes, and we see the blue sky of death. 

I still don't really understand how Neo pulled the Sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat… how'd that work exactly?

It's actually a sequel to "Dangerous Liasons."

I found Neo's twenty minute lecture on David Hume's formulation of causality as an a priori structure of the human mind totally riveting, second only to the scene where he spun around and kicked that one guy.

It's actually a touching moral tale about the tragic events that occur when a boy discovers his father's Matrix and doesn't realize that it's loaded.

Keanu Reeves gets into the wrong phone box and ends up playing rock classics with Socrates and Napoleon before a final Twister showdown with Agent Smith.

If you thought Neo was "loaded" after taking just one red pill, you should see him swallow an entire handful and chase it with a bottle of vodka.

Keith Baker as the Architect.  'Course, he designed the Matrix as a WotC setting...

When Morpheus raises the spirits of the freed humans with a stirring declamation of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion.

New twist on an old song by The Eagles, sung by Agent Smith: "You can't hiiiiiiide, you Zion guyyyyys" etc.

The Keymaker thing was cool and all, but I preferred Sigourney Weaver's performance as the Gatekeeper.

It's not an action film. It's a romance.

The Matrix Revolutions is actually just a redubbed version of "Night of the Lepus". The voice of Lawrence Fishburne adds a new level of depth to the character of DeForrest Kelly.

Throwing bombs is all well and good, but haven't the sentinels heard of GUNS?

The robot sentinels have no interest in the people of Zion - they're just looking for mutants.

At the end, when they revealed the great secret that the whole world is a computer program, that just totally blew my mind!  Imagine -- two feature length movies and nothing in them is real!  And they killed all those people to make them!  It totally makes me question my sense of reality.

Despite press reports, it wasn't the Wachowski Brothers who helped write the Matrix video game, but game developer Shiny Entertainment that helped write
the movies.  Which explains the tentacled cockroach and his pet Wart Morsel.

Neo drives a Geo while on the phone with Cleo, who's eating an Oreo and is a Leo.

Far less "whoa" than expected.

After Neo defeats the Agent Smiths, he then has to fight The Smiths, and finally Robert Smith. Rooooooo-bert Smeeeeth,   ROOOOOOO-bert Smeeeeth!

Neo must contend with the suspiciously charismatic and dextrous Matrix Level Boss Bill Gates.

The rumors that Halle Berry will be playing Neo in the next movie.

The Matrix gets bored, plays Tetris with the cascading green alphanumerics.

Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity arrested in Littleton.

The Matrix fails to reboot because no keyboard is connected. Moviegoers are treated to two hours of "Press F1 to Continue".

The new enemy that Neo and friends have to face, more frightening than they could have imagined, is an army of Freddie Prinze Jr clones.

It's all a Zionist conspiracy.

Keanu Reeves speaks more than two lines without sounding brain dead.

"Agent Smith" gets together with two other drag queens and drives an old bus to the center of Australia.  We won't talk about the ABBA show.

Zion is located just outside of Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Even in "Bullet Time", that time you spend asleep goes by too damn quickly.

The sordid sex life of Larry Warchowski would turn out to be more interesting than the movie!
 

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