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Question of the Week 10/30/02: It is with great sorrow that I must report the death of the Sir Richard Harris, the talented Irish actor who starred in such movies as Gladiator, Orca, and The Return of a Man Called Horse. Most recently, Harris has been seen as Headmaster Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies. So with many more Potter movies to go, we want to know: WHAT WILL THE NEXT HARRY POTTER MOVIE DO ABOUT DUMBLEDORE?Dumbledore?! Who cares! In the Chinese book, Harry and Hermione are *doin' it!* "If ask the question you do, then missed you have the obvious answer." Sir Richard Harris' venerable shoes will now be filled by Sir Mixalot. I hear Ian McKellan and Christopher Lee are even now waving staffs around, throwing each other against walls, and violently spinning each other around on their heads as they vie for the role of Dumbledore. Albus Dumbledore to be replaced by Alvin Derbyshire, a twenty six year old metalworker from Manchester who enjoys going pubbing with his buddies and looking at dirty magazines. In the next installment of the series, Headmaster Derbyshire teaches Harry the very important lesson of how to make a stout disappear. He'll be renamed "Professor Dumbledore, Master of Invisibility." Like Oliver Reed in the later part of Gladiator, he will be computer-generated. The Max Headroom stutter will be explained away as an expression of Dumbledore's inner turmoil. Ever see Weekend at Bernies? Dumbledore to be "voiced" by Jim Dale, but never filmed above the shoulders, like Charlie in Charlie's Angels. Feh! They should never have used Harris anyway. The answer is clear - get Alec Guinness for the part. What? Really? Well, Peter Cushing would be almost as good - No! How about Andre the Giant? Oh, come on! They've saved his hair, and will give the actor Polyjuice Potion, of course. Duh. Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham will wear black and carry impressive Dumbledore puppet around. Nobody even notices. A spokesman for Dreamworks SGK, citing the success of purely digital creations like JarJar Binks, today announced the role of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore will be played in all the upcoming films by JarJar Binks. Me-sa wanna play quidditch! Whee!! Torgo will look after the Headmaster's things while he's away. Tom Wopat will take over Hogwarts as Albus' country cousin, Bo Dumbledore. The Ford Anglia will be painted orange, the doors will be welded shut, and a large white "01" will be painted on either side. Replaced by Ronco's patented new Headmaster 3000! I have no idea at all. See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you try to make your grandchild happy. John Cleese dons a wig for Dumbledore's part; Richard Harris performs from beyond the grave as a lesser-known Hogwarts ghost, Clearly Lifeless Dick. In the scariest of surprise endings, Dumbledore removes his mask and stands revealed as Tom Cruise. The part of Albus Dumbledore to be played by a 1000 watt GE light bulb. Saruman applies for the job and, against all odds, gets it. Who'da thunk it... Dumbledore replaced by Gandalf in crazy mega-blockbuster movie cross promotion deal. I hear that the films' production studio has determined that it is better to maintain the integrity of the films already made and that they will make no more adaptations despite how popular they are at the box office. Why are you laughing? Harry will witness the violent slaughter of Dumbledore, his only true father figure, leading him into a deadly spiral of drugs and licentiousness, adrift in a psychological tempest that can only be dismissed by coming to grips with his own inadequacies and personal shortcomings. Then he'll find the Cup of Wonder and return Dumbledore from the grave and everyone will be happy again. I'm sorry, do you mean to imply that there isn't a backup holocopy of Mr. Harris at ILM? Cuz I ain't buyin' that for a dollar... Replace him with the demonic offspring of Dick Sargent and Sarah Chalke. (for the pop culture illiterate: Dick Sargent - 2nd Darrin Stevens on "Bewitched"; Sarah Chalke - 2nd Becky Connor on "Roseanne") I'm seeing a maniacal cameo by Robin Williams where he talks about the effects of cocaine on magic-use, pretends to be a homosexual hairdresser, and flings condoms around proclaiming them to be "magical raincoats." Through the magic of CGI, Dumbledore's dialogue will consist entirely of nonsequitur quotes from the first Harry Potter movie. It's amazing what they can do these days! They'll use the director's wife's chiropractor, with a cloak to hide his face. A terrible accident will force him to wear an all-concealing mask, and turn him to the Dark Side. Voldemort IS Harry's father! NOOOOooooooo!!! To be replaced by country hit-maker Glen Campbell. Not implicated in Harris's death, Campbell's revenge for the success of "MacArthur Park" is now complete. Sir Mick Jagger high-steps into the roll of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Promises to keep students under thumb. Other Hogwarts faculty will just keep making the excuse that Dumbledore left his cake out in the rain. Replace 'im? Never. That bloke could do a better actin' job dead than most kin alive. Just don't be stingy with the makeup, dear. They've decided to go with Oompah-Loompahs. Harry Morgan on stilts Stan Winston to make "Ro-bo-Dore," the robot Dumbledore. Ending of "Chamber of Secrets" reworked to have Harry Potter installed as Headmaster in a bloody revolt by the children. Plucky Chechen henchmen introduced for recurring roles in the following films. Dumbledore dies when trying to master a tongue twister featuring the words "Chechen Henchmen". The same thing they always do about Dumbledore: try to take over the world! I don't know, but I do know the title. "Harry Potter and The Rolled Up Magazine." The word is out that the role has been offered to Christopher Lee. I'm hoping he takes a been there, done that better (with Saruman) attitude towards the offer and turns them down. Watch the movie again. Listen to the cadence of Richard Harris' voice. Doesn't it have that off-tilt quality found in the voice of Patrick McGoohan? Now THERE'S the man to take over the role! As the role of Dumbledore is all hair and robes visually, it wouldn't even be necessary to explain away the little changes in appearance between the two men. Besides, I would love to see Patrick McGoohan as Dumbledore taking Draco Malfoy for a walk along the parapets of Hogwarts. His arm would be draped over the lad's in a grandfatherly fashion as he asks Draco, "And how would your magic help you in this situation?" And then he pitches the snotty brat over the side!
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