Question of the Week 1/27/04:

Well, my New Year's resolution to become a Ludite finally fell through, so we're back online. And we want to know:

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH MARS?


We're just trying to find Waldo. Damn, that guy is good.

He's angry because Venus has been out kissing Madonna on stage.  Hey, gods
get jealous.  It's what they do.

Mars rovers exhausted after trying to carve M&M/Mars logo that can be seen from space.

The influence of Mars over our planet is growing.  Audio track research of Howard Dean's post-Iowa yell shows that it matches exactly the vocal patterns of Marvin the Martian's "Oh you make me so very angry."

Mars? Oh, you're referring to the new Trump Regency Planet.

It's disappointingly lacking in creamy caramel and nougat.

Tired of being misunderstood as the God of War. Those were all justified enforcement activities, you know, like police actions, or invading Iraq.

Still the only place for good buggalo meat.

Nothing better for taking our minds off the unresolved messes in Iraq and Afghanistan (in an election year) than Operation Kick Three-Legged Green Butt! Finally, the terrorist attacks of 1938 will be avenged! What? Orson Welles? H. G. Wells? Dang, we've uncovered a major terrorist dynasty! Arrest everyone called Wells! And get Halliburton on the phone - we'll need to expand Guantanamo Bay!

We're 90% certain that's where Saddam is hiding his weapons of mass destruction.

We're hoping to find a wonderful layer cake recipe. What? Layer cake SEDIMENT? What good is that?

W. vaguely remembers the phrase "Shooting the Moon" from his college days, and given the horrific deficit figures he's been piling up, he hopes that "Shooting the Mars" will make it all OK.

George W. Bush hasn't slept well since seeing "Ghosts of Mars" - wants reassurance that it's safe.

Now that the Soviet Union is gone, conquering the Red Planet seemed like the next logical step.

Blocks our lovely view of Neptune. And that Makes W. very VERY angry indeed.

If we keep sending expensive sacrificial virgin probes, we will continue to appease the God of War.  I don't know what'll happen if we stop, and I don't want to find out.

I probably won't be the only one to say this, but hey, this planet's getting all wore out - we'll need a new one pretty soon.

We will follow in the footsteps of American pioneer Jimmy Carter of Mars- the young submariner who lusted in his heart and was requited by Deja Vu.

Bush wants that little Marvin guy as his new Secretary of Defense.

How many delegates do they have anyway?  What?  Oh.  Then to hell with 'em!

Mark Burnett has already optioned the Red Planet for a future edition of "Survivor".

Probes find water and also discover actual, live sea monkies. 

It's really the red eye of. . . you know, these Lord of the Rings jokes seem to have gone stale. <sigh>  Just when I was warming up.

It's a viral respiratory illness caused by a coronavirus, first reported in Asia in February 2003. What? *MARS*? It's a planet. What kind of stupid question is that?

Don't fear the Tentacled Tripods. The same ghastly Diseases of the White Man that so successfully aided our predations in North America will wipe them out in no time. God its great to be White!

All W. wanted was a candy bar. That's all he wanted. This whole bullshit space mission thing was just a silly misunderstanding. But you know how things are in Government...

It's less like an American Mars bar, and more like a British Mars bar, being more uniform in color and texture (see a cross-section comparison at: http://totl.net/VisibleMars/science.html). How did the Brits know?

Its conquest will actually prove cheaper than the administration's other stated targets: Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, the Caymans and Canada. $9.99 but only while supplies last*
*all numbers in trillions

Turns out intelligence was wrong and they don't have any Waters of Mass Deluging.

God of war gets jealous of all the attention his namesake is receiving and
lays waste to Kansas.

It's the original home of Michael Jackson.

It's unhappy with the way it's been portrayed in the media

I think the terms of the deal included an undisclosed amount of cash, some stock, and a 55-gallon barrel of Peanut M&Ms.

He's the god of war, he married Venus, and his Greek name was Ares.  His dad was Jupiter, and his mom was Hera.  He's got an attitude problem, and was a regular on Xena.

We need to go to Mars so we can collect the secret advanced technology ancient civilizations stored there.  You know, like Beagle II.

The Canadian ones use better chocolate. The British ones are pretty good, too.

W. and the other bellicose jackasses in his war room are plainly desirous of going back home...

God of War. President of War. We've gotta get these two together. Preferably ON mars... To be renamed BUSH.

We don't make deals with the enemy.

They have probe envy.

I hear they're looking for bacteria.  They should send some Spirit and Opportunity to my house.  We'll see how well their 6-wheel design can get out of my tub.  And that arm thing will have a field day with my toilet.

Well, Brigitte Mars is a local herbalist.  And her daughter Rainbeau Mars was in The People vs. Larry Flynt.

We're pretty sure there are some Weapons of Mass Destruction stored up there.  At least, that's what intelligence points to.

The whole Spirit reboot is a sham. It just moved out of its cell coverage area. President announces 100 billion in federal funding for Sprint to rectify the problem.

The God of War demands sacrifices.

Hel-lo, Summer Olympics…

The martians don't like our junk landing on their heads, duh!

Life on Mars is found, but they turned out to be as bored with the Superbowl
as we were.

It doesn't like to be probed.

The president wants to dig up that buried Shadow ship to use in SDI.

Who cares about Mars? STARBUCK IS A WOMAN!

It's a casualty of an Orwellian plot to simplify the English (sorry, American) language to make the world safe for George W. Bush. The approved replacement, which will be printed in all future dictionaries, is "messes all up."

Arabia is a desert. Arabia has lots of oil. Mars is a desert. Bush wants to go there. Hmmmm . . .

I know!  They're so pushy!

Explore it while you can - the Wongs will own it all by the year 3000 anyway.

Inhabited by gremlins. "Check this out, Xlyixyp... they'll probably call
this one a software glitch... ha ha ha!"

That's where the Archons went to live when they left the City, isn't it?  I think the webbies might be working to sabotage the whole thing, though.  And you never know what those crazy Endymians might be up to.


* And finally…*

Come back, Uncle Martin.  All is forgiven.

 

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