Question of the Week 03/25/03:

As you may know, France's refusal to cooperate with the US in the UN Security Council has create a wave of resentment throughout these united states. Most people have heard of the US Congressional Cafeteria renaming french fries "freedom fries". Then there is was the New York congressman who announced that from this point on he was buying all his wine from California (much to the consternation of the many wine-growers of New York; apparently the congressman forgot which state he was representing). Here in Colorado, a party at a local restaurant asked to be reseated so they wouldn't be served by a French waiter. So what we want to know is:

HOW ARE WE EXPRESSING OUR DISDAIN FOR THE FRENCH?


By going to war with Iraq. It's basically our answer to everything.

Bombing the crap out of Louisiana and Quebec.

"Saddam doesn't just use mustard gas.  He uses French's Mustard Gas!"

Louis XIV chair, meet Louisville slugger.

Revising Rudyard Kipling's classic The Jungle Book by changing the name "Mowgli" -meaning "Little Frog" to the more anglophilic "John" - meaning "Man who pays for sex".

"Ooh, Morticia… that's English."

Now it's Chicken Cordon Red, White, & Blue, bastards!   What?  Their flag, too?!  Sonuva...

By releasing a new "Grease" DVD in which Frenchie has been digitally replaced with Jar Jar Binks. Critics question whether this punishes the French, or us…

Well, Scooby and the gang just kicked the crap out of Tintin…

"So tell me, Marie… do you ever feel less than French?"

Well, America's love affair with the mime is now over.

I hear that M&M/Mars is changing the name of the Three Musketeers bar to the Three Stooges bar.

By law, French onion soup now made with American cheese.

Returning the Statue of Liberty (www.sendbackliberty.us)

Kicking the ass of that pansy butler.

People now required to pronounce the "T" in "fish fillet." It's not just a good idea - it's the law. 

Well, *I* heard that Tony and George, like, totally told Jacques that Jose was, like, their new best friend and stuff?  And, like, that they were going to have killer party at Jose's place in the Azores with -- can you believe it? -- the *VILNIUS EIGHT* playing a set and, so anyway, Jacques was *totally* not invited to this party.  So, like, Jacques is stuck hanging out with total dweebs like Gerhardt and that mean Mugabe kid.  It's, like, soooo pathetic.

Supreme Court finds "French Class" to be an oxymoron, and bans it from all High School curricula. Students ecstatic!

Unfortunately, the French do disdain the best, so I REFUSE to disdain them-- it only encourages them.

Declaring that existentialism is dead.

Introducing new "Plaster of Trenton."

By calling *any* greasy, unhealthy, convenient, tasteless American food "French."

Lots of ANWR oil drilling.  "Caribou" sounds kinda Frenchy to me!

How do you show disdain for the French? That's easy. Just speak French, and be sure to throw in any English word you don't know

Not only have I stopped watching porn involving managé a trois but I am also refusing to drink Canadian beer.

It's an all out Celebrity Death Match between the OLD Family Affair's Mr French (Sebastian Cabot) and the NEW Family Affair's Mr. Freedom (Tim Curry)!

France to be publicly refered to as "Germany's Bitch."

Homeland Security Forces subdue Jerry Lewis is surprise midnight raid.

Let's open another McDonalds in Paris. That'll show them!

Sitcoms now jumping the shark with vacation episodes in Warsaw instead of Paris.

Fugitive criminals turning themselves in rather than join French Foreign Legion.

Mobilizing Wisconsin State Dairy Brigade to disarm France of its Cheeses of Mass Olfaction.  The Culture War has begun!

Boycotting Jacques Cousteau on PBS.

Enforce the stringent feminine hygiene ordnances at all the borders.

Randomly punching people named Frank.

By making the ultimate sacrifice - deleting my vast collection of  internet porn featuring Emmanuelle Beart, Virginie Ledoyen, Julie Delpy, Juliette Binoche, Isabelle Adjani, Catharine Deneuve, Jeanne Moreau, Audrey Tautou, Isabelle Huppert, Simone Signoret, Beatrice Dalle, Irene Jacob, and Gerard Depardieu. War is hell!

Burger King boycotted because of the crossan'wich.

Shaving our armpits.

"The White Star Line" will retroactively remove its name from the Titanic and replace it with "Maginot Line".

By kicking Frenchie off of American Idol. Duh.

Returning the Louisiana Purchase.

Liberating French Guiana next.

Eating only pre-sliced cheese.

Renaming the French horn the "freedom horn," or more affectionately, "the baby tuba."

Refraining from tongue use while kissing.

I say we secure the rights to all the great Jacques Tati classic movies and have them remade with Ashton Kutcher!

No more "french kissing" - now it's "freedom tonguing"

Sending lots of English language music to French radio stations.

Forcing our way past the taunts into their damn castle.  I bet they haven't got a single Grail!

Boycotting French daytime serial "Bidets of Our Lives."

Callin'  'em a bunch of dirty pirates, natch.

Wonder Bread now served at all fancy meals.

By using a little Freedom Dressing on my Freedom Fries before I move on to Freedom Kissing, Freedom Ticklers and the eventual Freedom Toast.

By editing LeBeau out of all episodes of Hogan's Heroes.

By remaking the Statue of Liberty in the image of Margaret Thatcher  >>shudder<<

Refusing to speak French.  Actually, I can't speak French.  Habla Espanol?

French dressing to be called "Surrender Sauce."

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"  No, wait, that's French disdaining the English...

Only buying American brie.

Telling surrender jokes.

"For the last time, my last name is not French!" - any Yarnot.  (Long and true story.)

Calling Paris and asking if we can discuss things with those old "Vichy" guys instead.  They were much more reasonable.

State Department putting France on list of states that sponsor stupidity.

Blair and Bush prank calling Chirac; telling him De Gaulle wants his spine back.

One word: Guillotine.

By simply existing.

By being more arrogant than they are.

All French people are to be referred to as Frenchieans.

Hey, really, we should just refer to the Iraqi war as the second "Sitzkrieg."

Replace official French flag at all U.S based UN sites with an all white one.

Well, I personally built this big huge wooden rabbit and cunningly left it outside their castle wall, but all they did was catapult it back at me amid catcalls and taunting, at which point my patsy and I had to run away.

*And in the Sad But True category…*

True Fact: in New Orleans, a petition is being circulated to have the French Quarter renamed "the Liberty Quarter."

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