Question of the Week 04/02/03:

4/2/03:  This week's question!

Much as many people would like to forget about the war in Iraq, there are many unanswered questions. In particular, the raging debate about whether Saddam Hussein is in fact alive, and if so, why he hasn't made a live video appearance. So, we want to know:

WHAT'S UP WITH SADDAM?


In an effort to lift the morale of troops, he's been negotiating to get Sylvester Stallone to star in "Iraqi", a movie about a Muslim boxer who overcomes incredible odds to beat the American champion.

He's been embedded with the 3rd Infantry division and is reporting back to his cabinet.

After an exhaustive review of hours of videotapes, the CIA has concluded that Saddam was actually voted off in Week One, after Tambaqui lost the immunity challenge. Don't worry - he'll show up in the big reunion episode at the end of the war.

He's pissed that he didn't sign up for the Capital One No-Hassle Regime, with its low pre-emption rates.

He's not coming out until he has a better catchphrase than "The Mother of all Wars." Current contenders: "The Uncle of all Donnybrooks", "The Cousin of all Contretemps", and "Can you smell what Iraq is cooking?"

"My plan to build that nuclear bomb would've succeeded if it hadn't been for
those meddling marines!"

He's got dozens of scientists developing a disguise that will allow him to flee the country. It's "Operation: Frock and Bra."

That man on TV is not Saddam Hussein, it's former King Hussein of Jordan. And he's not hoarding weaponized anthrax in violation of resolution 1441, he just has a bunch of Anthrax mp3s in violation of the DMCA.

Sometimes people just explode. It happens.

Sidetracked by Mother of All Porn Sites.

In an effort to win our hearts and minds, he's going to reinvent himself on the new Star Search as rap sensation Kid 'Raq.

He's not going on TV until someone brings him his damn soy chai latte, and it had better be hot, but not too hot, or heads will roll!

He's finally found inner peace driving a cab in New York City.

He's too busy playing the CNN drinking game to appear on TV.  Every time the phrase "shock and awe" is used, he and his generals laugh and pound a beer.

Wishing he'd spent less money on presidential palaces and more on clean underwear.

He's been holed up with Donald Rumsfeld and the Donnas practicing for his new band, "Weapons of Mass Destruction."

He was doing OK until he landed on Park Place - General Tommy Franks has built three presidential palaces there.

Well, have you ever actually seen Saddam and Cheney in the same place at the same time?

A new life awaits him in the offworld colonies. A chance to begin again, in a golden world of opportunities.

I hear Osama taped over him...

Collecting all those adorable Beanie Babies in his Baghdad palace...  What? When did that happen? ...Now seeking vengeance for his lost Beanie Babies.

Trying to get his car out of this bad area.

Eating babies - Tonight's secret ingredient on Iron Chef Baghdad. Mmmmm, that's good babies.

His evil plan - to choreograph "Saddamania" (not the real thing but an incredible simulation) with the Saddam Hussein Lookalike Dancers.  He's going to take the show out on the road for tryouts before a final assault on the Great White Way in time for Tony Award consideration.

Tasted like chicken...Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Spent the last couple weeks holed up with nothing to read but The Fountainhead, but has to admit that it hasn't made much sense and he's probably "missing something."

Getting a big kick out of forcing the Minister of Information to continually insist to international news agencies that coalition forces have not entered Baghdad.

He sent his Orc army to Helm's Deep, just when the Ents showed up in Baghdad.

He doesn't understand the bread backstage.   See, the meat is too big, it doesn't fit on the bread. It just does not make sense.

He was shocked and awed in a daring midnight raid intended to aim a dagger at the heart of Baghdad. Or something like that. I only listen to every other word.

The question is: Is he hot?

He's doing the same thing he does every night: Trying to take over the world.

"Up With Saddam" a for-profit Ba'ath party organization, currently has five traveling casts of 655 young adults from around the world on performance tours in North Korea, Las Vegas, Tehran, Branson Missouri, and Baghdad. All profits go to weapons of mass destruction and moustache wax.

He's not surfacing until he's finished GTA3

He's finally come to accept that his superstardom is close to post-mortem, and there's no Mekhi Phifer, and success is his only fuckin' option, failure is not, and he'd better lose himself in the music, the moment, etc.

He's been busy modeling for the new "Cobra Commander Unmasked" action figure. 

He's been busy watching this "War on Iraq" miniseries on CNN. Have you been following it? It's amazing what Hollywood can do.

Would somebody tell me? 'Cause I'D LIKE TO KNOW!

He was netsurfing, and, like, totally lost track of time.   His bad.

He's been pre-empted by "Heidi."

Like Cher, Saddam has gone in for repairs.

While 'The Iraq War' is a hit, 'The Saddam Hussein Show' is on hiatus for retooling.

He's trying to comprehend an enemy that could produce both "The Simpsons" and "Marmaduke."

Two words: big haboobs.

Still waiting for production crew who told him he'd be hosting "Survivor: Bush Foreign Policy."

He's camped on line for Star Wars: Episode III.

Saddam stopped going to his GASA (Gloaters and Sadists Anonymous) meetings and seems to have fallen off the wagon at the exactly same time as George W.

Still reeling from being called "Mad-Ass" as a child.

Executing any body double who fails to follow his tricky phrasings during "Minnie the Moocher".

Word is his last plan for worldwide sympathy hinges on his next romance novel, so he's locked himself in his reinforced writing bunker.

His NCAA tourney bracket performed about as well as his Republican Guard units.

Uh 1 an' 1 is 2, uh 2 an' 2 is 4, he feels so bad cuz he's losin' the waaaaar!

He's hiding in Osama's cave.  They're best buds, you know.

He hasn't been killed.  He's being dead for tax purposes.  War's pretty taxing, you know.

He's not appearing because of this *monster* zit on his nose, it's so *embarrassing*...

His aides have discovered the fact that Lenin-style embalming techniques and Disney-style animatronics just do NOT mix.

Nuthin'.  What's up wit' you?

He's kickin' it in Hattiesburg with Zorak

Saddam has entered the collective where his cultural and physical uniqueness will be assimilated.
Actually I think he may have been taken out during the first day, or maybe that was one of his doubles? or maybe just maybe Saddam is actually the SLM in disguise!

We haven't seen him since he got shot into orbit in the cryogenically enhanced Big Boy.

I hear he's got a writing deadline.

Overheard in Secret Dictator Survival Bunker -- Saddam Hussein to Kim Jong Il: "Hold me."

He's trying to escape the country disguised as Josef Stalin.

These days he spends a lot of time breathing VX gas through a mask and telling his Minister of Information, "Don't look at me, you asshole!"

Shocked.  Awed.

He's depressed because of the end of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.

Thought that Bush would be confused, and never attack his Republican Guard.

Was hoping to be a contestant on "Mr. Personality."

He's using the famous "Ostrich Defense."

Shacked up with Kim Jong Il.

Saddam will next appear on Fox's hybrid COPS/Celebrity reality show where stars like Corey Feldman try to hunt him down in the suburbs of L.A.


*And finally, for the good people of Jaleco…*

Saddam is working on the sequel to TPT. Working title: Bunker Buster Tycoon.

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