Question of the Week 04/30/03:

4/30/03:  This week's question!

Summer movie season is upon us! So without further ado, we'd like to know:

WHAT'S THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN X2: X-MEN UNITED?
 

That's not Storm, that's Strom! Strom Thurmond!

Voice of Emeril used for Nightcrawler's BAM!ph effect

Storm reveals she's not drinking just any Pepsi, it's a Pepsi Twister.

The movie is an adaptation of the beloved "Days of Future Past" storyline from the comics. The Rogue of the future possesses her younger self in order to stop evil robots from taking over the world and killing everyone. What? Whoops, I was looking at the preview for "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines." My bad.

Mutants kill Patrick Stewart to prevent his appearance in Casablanca remake

Magneto using his powers to cheat on "Wheel of Fortune."

Mystique and Nightcrawler revealed to be mutant smurfs.

Soupy Sales appears as the manager of the X-HQ in the Hotel Z.  Where is the Hotel Z?  It's right behind the Y.
Ba-Dum-Bum!

In a surprise product placement, Mystique is changed to "Clinique", and derives her powers from special skin care products.

Professor Xavier tumbles out of his wheelchair; summons help with a telepathic "I've fallen and I can't get up."

The whole "mutant" thing actually just a metaphor for the long-persecuted "Pepper" community. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

The crossover with "Charlie's Angels".  It's revealed that Charlie Townsend is a mutant.  He's nothing but a voice.

In an effort to make the film more educational and scientifically accurate, the team is divided into the XX-Men and XY-Women.

It's a remake of the popular "Brood" storyline from the comics. The heroes must stop an extraterrestrial queen who implants her eggs in human bodies. Wait, it looks like I was watching the preview for "Aliens." Never mind.

XMan, XWoman, XBox.   Make your own joke.

The name of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants changed to the catchier Axis of Evil Mutants.

Bobby "Iceman" Drake's powers revealed to be entirely derived from his habit of chewing Dentyne Ice.

Professor X in the Danger Room with the lead pipe.

Patrick Stewart pulls a few strings to help his old acting comrades. Cyclops is played by LeVar "Geordi LaForge" Burton. Marina "Counselor Troi" Sirtis plays telepath Jean Grey ("I can sense great anger, Professor."). And Wil Wheaton makes a surprise appearance as the Blob.

Magneto's use of the phrase, "Fly, you fools!"

The next movie is actually about that little kid who can change TV channels by blinking. His power swells out of control, and he becomes the "Dork Phoenix."

Horatio Sanz as Wolverine's kid brother, Wombat.

Tip of the hat to "The Wizard of Oz" is hastily added after the Iraq War - the attack by the army of Cheese-Eating Flying Surrender Monkeys

The mutants are in fact united at the hip.

The complete lack of blood, despite Wolverine's slaughtering an entire platoon of soldiers using metal claws.

In an attempt to merge the highly successful "Matrix" and "X-Men" franchises, Agent Smith shows up in as Madrox the Multiple Man.

Michael Jackson appears as one of Xavier's students. Wait, that's not a surprise at all.

Final film in series.

It may be called "X-Men United", but let's face it, they're "X-Men JetBlue" at heart.

The Twin Peaks link: tying cherry stems with your tongue is classified as a mutant power

According to the credits, all the props in the Oval Office scenes were paid for by Haliburton.

The bit where Simon Cowell judges the mutants on their powers.  "Really, you're a very talented freak, but you just don't have the specific freaky powers we're looking for at this level."

The surprise appearance of the Sentinel. And now, I don't mean a giant robot, I mean that guy with the super senses from UPN.

Mystique hears Avril's "Complicated" while driving, and realizes the song is about her, in a way, what with the becoming someone else, and being unable to relax, and so on, and, deciding henceforth to just be herself, shaves her head and co-founds Blue Woman Group.

"X" is the rating, not the title.

There really isn't any possible way they can do a sequel.

Everyone complains that Rebecca Romijn-Stamos isn't allowed to fully explore the complexity of  Mystique with her great acting talent.

I know Wonder Woman isn't in this movie, but I'd like to take this moment to express thanks that Southwest Airlines does not have transparent jets like hers.   Yikes.

Katherine Hepburn revealed to be outfitted with adamantine exo-skeleton

You can see the strings that manipulate the Brian Cox puppet.

Yuriko Oyama secretly works for Mr. Eddie's Father.

James Marsden (Cyclops) will get bored and drop out midway through the
movie.. in a fit of inspired casting, the directors replace him with
James Marsters (Spike from Buffy) in hopes that no one will notice.

BAMF!  Welsh Alan Cumming has done American, assorted British, French and Canadian accents in the past.  His German accent for the Nightcrawler will continue to muddy the waters of his origins and open up more parts for him playing Eastern Europeans, Africans, and California surfer-dudes.

Oscar-Winner™ Halle Berry® chooses not to reveal her Special Silicone Friends©.

Character Wolverine to be played by actual wolverine.

Lady Deathstrike renamed "Heather" for greater believability.

A "United We Stand" bumper sticker is found in no fewer than 93 shots.

Neo realizes that it'd be much more fun to be a mutant and swaps his
leather duster for a skintight suit.

George Steinbrenner interferes and takes credit for all of Professor Xavier's work with the School for Gifted Youngsters

Magneto gets the One Ring.  No one is ever, ever able to take it away from him. 

You die, she dies. Everybody dies.

Biggest money-loser since Ishtar. Really...

Guest appearances from Brother Power the Geek and his Giant Sized Man-Thing.

Brotherhood of Mutants' "Operation: Dethrone W." a great success. New (and more qualified) president Keanu Reeves grants full pardons to the Brotherhood in a speech that uses the word "Dude" 175 times.

Mutants randomly drug-tested

It's actually an infomercial for United Airlines.

X never marks the spot.

Hobbits.

Why, I'm... I'm not in it! 

Louie Anderson as the Blob was edited out because it was just too easy a joke.

Mickey Rourke needed no make-up or special effects to play Unus The Untouchable

Alan Cummings as Nightcrawler revealed to be the son of the late Roddy McDowall as the Bookworm

That there hasn't been a big hue and cry by English teachers across the country over the tie-in commercial from the "Zoom Zoom Car" company:  "There are 3 things every X-Men should have"....  "Every X-Men"?   The horror!  The horror!

Real-life famous personalities revealed to be mutants - especially dead ones who can't sue. Like Linda Lovelace as Barnswallow.

One Small Keith revealed to be a mutant - a three inch high were-bovine also known as Bossy the Cowman.

Graymalkin Lane is the shame of the city with its rampant pothole problem.

Blatant product placement for Nair and Nads specially designed for blue fur removal

Eddie Izzard as Skirtman

Professor Xavier replaced by Professor Bobo of MST3K.  Budget for hair styling is quadrupled.

ACME pudding cups - now with a single drop of kryptonite

It is revealed that George W. Bush was not AWOL back in 1972/73.  He spent that year training in the Danger Room.

Cerebro is gay.

Portions of screen obscured by digitally inserted figures due to Patriot Act. While expected during shots of a secret military facility, no explanation has been given for obscuring the Southwestern style décor in the living room at Bobby Drake's house.

XMen stat calling Magneto "Mag Lame-O" instead.

From the preview for "X3": "What's that, Krypto?  Dark Phoenix has fallen into a gravitational well?"

To replace Ray Park as the Toad, Ron Jeremy will be cast as the HedgeHog with his own unique muscle extension.

Famke Janssen forgets what movie franchise she's in and cracks Hugh Jackman's ribcage between her inner thighs, adamantium skeletion be damned!

The mutant-hunting Sentinel robots perform an Esther Williams-styled water ballet.

Linda Hunt IS Ma Toad.

It's revealed in a flashback as to why Lady Deathstryke hates Wolverine so much: Art Professor Logan dared to give Yuriko Oyama a C - in finger-painting.

JarJar Binks in the Danger Room.

Mystique is an Andorian call-girl.

Alan Cummings brings something unique to the role of Nightcrawler - his own multi-hued butt of a mandrill.

After grappling with John Leguizamo as Clown from "Spawn", Anna Paquin's Rogue 'touches them funny' and no one complains.....

Seth Green's portrayal of Cain Marko forces the audience to re-think its preconceived notions about the Juggernaut.

Always breaking up the arguments between Pyro and Iceman is nerdy dork The Tepid Puddler.

Evil and good mutants team up to battle a common enemy: pancake-shaped aliens who control the minds of their bunny rabbit army in order to take over the world.

From the preview for "X3": As her cosmic power grows exponentially, Dark Phoenix turns the world on with her smile.

Film projectors powered by Jack Kirby spinning in his grave.

They finally all get naked and shag, but the real surprise is Wolverine's conspicuous absence of adamantium in certain areas.

Climactic, apocalyptic battle staged in Mayberry.

I dunno, but when Halle Barry wins an Oscar for her performance, it will shatter barriers to the achievement of weather-based superheroes everywhere. Let's face it, they have a hard time competing with the super-strong and laser-eyed types.  You go, girl!

Brent Spiner's cameo as the guy who drives Professor X's souped-up wheelchair around seemed uncalled for.

Rogue's secret boyfriend from out-of-town revealed when she shows off her nigh-imperviousness, ability to fly, and sudden aversion to Kryptonite.

Purists were appalled to discover that Nightcrawler's teleportation power sounded quite a bit more like a "Paff!" than a "Bampf!"

Despite the title, I was still surprised that the plot hinged around the mutants helping to bring the struggling air carrier out of bankruptcy. Although the bit with Wolverine negotiating pilot salaries *was* priceless.

*And in the "I think I saw the wrong movie" category…*

Only an asshole gets killed over a car.

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