Question of the Week 08/13/03:T

This week, we turn to the pressing issue of California politics. A gubernatorial recall seems inevitable, and hosts of celebrities are already lining up for a crack at the post. While there are many colorful characters in the running, we're going to focus on one man. We want to know:

WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS OF HAVING ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER AS GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA?


Well, despite his foolish film career, cheating on his first wife, siring offspring outside his marriage, his wretched second wife, and becoming a California politician, I think we can all breathe a relaxed sigh and know he'll never be president. What do you mean? He was? Reagan was president?  This is so embarrassing.

Instead of given speeches, he's been spending most of his time in biker bars. "Your votes… gib dem to me."

Blue skies in California???

Pro: he can't be bargained with, he can't be reasoned with, etc.  Uh, I mean Con.

Built-in automatic reelection slogan.

He can eat his own weight in ding dongs.

Pumping Irony 3: The Candidates

Word on the street is that there's an invisible alien predator with a thing for Jodie Foster - so we need to make sure our leaders can take care of themselves.

I'm just disappointed that Zellwegger can't run against Schwarzenegger.

Just try saying "Governor Schwarzenegger" ten times fast…

All future "elections" to be filmed as reality TV shows, and packaged as "American Idolatry". You become governor until you're voted off by a portion of the viewers. These viewers can then try to run in your place. Is this a great country or what?

Pro: we can now kick Minnesota's ass. Con: we actually have to.

Well, we already know that he'd give up his life to stop nuclear war and the destruction of humanity…

Giving all the OTHER candidates equal air time! Between old Diff'rent Strokes episodes,The People vs. Larry Flynt in endless rotation, mindless motocross biographies, and bad chat shows, it never ends. Even TiVo can't help me find Stripperella and American Idol any more...

It would be good, because he's one republican who can't ever become president. But personally I'd rather see Gary Coleman win.

PRO:  Rob Lowe is corralled into drumming up Arnold's celebrity support
CON:  Hans and Franz are brought out of SNL mothballs to drum up support among couch potatoes

This will lead to the marketing of Arnold as King Conan which will in turn soften up the populace for when he overthrows the George II to become King Swarzenegger. If he can't be president, well...

I can't believe this guy's polling ahead of Don Novello.  Father Guido Sarducci?  Anyone? 

PRO:  Crisp, militaristic uniforms for the State Police
CON:   The Nazis who wear them

In a staggering synergy of casting and electioneering, Governor Schwarzanegger will also star in the upcoming Willy Wonka remake. In both cases he's replacing a more qualified person and we are Oompa-Loompa Doompity Screwed.

Running for major political office?  Have starred in a movie titled "True Lies?"  Money, baby!

PRO:  Maria Shriver as the governor's First Lady
CON:  Tom Arnold as the governor's sidekick

PRO:  During the campaign, all of Schwarzenegger's movies will be banned from California television
CON:  The same ban is in effect for all pay per view porno while Larry Flynt is still in the race

I hope to some day be able to call him The Desalinator.  Why, yes, I am the ever increasing demand upon a tiny freshwater supply by a Western US population exploding in size.

PRO:  Perhaps by showing that Reagan wasn't a fluke, Schwarzenegger's election will give more liberal actors incentive to run for political office.
CON: It will give Vin Diesel ideas....

We won't have to see him as the new Maytag repairman.

"Maria, I'm not going to the Humvee to pout after all."

Damn.  This is a lot harder than the hitchhiking issue.  Why, yes, I am Roger Waters.

"No, no, governor, you really have to say you're 'vetoing' the bill, not 'terminating' it."

I'm sure everyone will watch when he fights that wussy Governor Ventura on pay-per-view.

Can you imagine how many Mexicans Ahnold can just pay to go home?
 

  Last Week's Question       Next Week's Question

This Week's Question          View the Archives       Keith Baker Home