Question of the Week 09/15/03:T

I apologize for the delay, but here at QoW Central we felt that it was important to wait just a few days so that we could monitor a critical event affecting our nation. That's right, we want to know:

BEN AFFLECK AND JENNIFER LOPEZ HAVE BROKEN UP. WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

The President asks Congress for $87 billion to try to restore their relationship.

Good Will Hunting III: How J-Lo Can You Go

Cats and dogs living together! Mass hysteria!

This little relationship problem is nuthin' Vegas couldn't cure.  So, we're warning you, Vegas: don't you fucking dare.

Perhaps we can get the UN to help us out.

Now is the time on Shprockets where ve dance!!!

And there was much rejoicing.

Now begins the painful process of deciding who gets custody of the venereal diseases.

I'm pretty sure I saw J-Low with Justin Timberlake this weekend. I think they're pretty serious. They'll probably be engaged by next week.

Does this mean that we'll have to get Guy Richie and Madonna for the Casablanca remake?

People can finally lay off all the "J-Lo Gigler" jokes.

Everybody's talking about SURVIVOR: J LO! the hit new WB Reality Show where getting voted off J Lo is only the first step to madcap hilarity!

I collect on the office pool. I picked September 22, 2003.

What?! But, but, Ben and Jen were forever! At least there's still Uma and Ethan. Wha?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Now that their relationship isn't interfering with their fame, it's time for that remake of Casablanca at last. And loath as I am to give anything away, J Lo gets on that plane with Kid Rock, and Ben strikes up a beautiful friendship with Matt Damon. So romantic...

How could this happen when they hadn't even starred in a Stanley Kubrick movie first?  Aren't there rules governing this sort of thing?

Nothing for it but to nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

I hear that Ben's holding out for the chick from Alias.

We Party!  and burn all copies of Gilgi...

Ebert and Roeper give the relationship two thumbs down.

They maintain their grasp on the spotlight, waiting for it to signal impending fade before they get back together again.

The children!  The children!  We must think of the children!  And rejoice that there won't be any!

The same thing that happens every day Pinky...

The sky clears, cherubs descend, and Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" starts playing in the background.

Looks like a remake of War of the Roses, then, huh?

I don't know who those people are, but speaking of break-ups, did you hear the terrible news about Rosanne and Tom Arnold!?

Everybody-- and I mean *everybody*-- gets to say "I told you so."

They each find somebody stable to love, and dedicate their talents toward making good movies. Ha! Fooled you!

Life goes on, except a little less gigli.

Badger badger badger badger mushroom MUSHROOM!
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/badgers.php

Since this relationship is the only press they'll ever receive, they'll keep it on and off again for the next 60 years. Look at Liz Taylor. She hasn't made a film in more than 100 years...

World ends. SO sad.

With Ben retaining over 1300 pounds of lawyer and Jennifer almost 2000
pounds, it's gonna get ugly.

I lose my faith in all manufactured celebrity relationships for at least the next six months.

If history is any indicator, J-Lo will be frenching Madonna on-stage within two months.

Aw. That's rough... Anyone going to go to Michael Jackson's? Anyone?

Weep uncontrollably for a few hours, say goodbye to my loved ones... Oh. I thought you said the world was ending. That's it? That's the tragedy? Excuse me, I'm just going to go on with my life now, thanks.

America, do not despair.  We here at the Beverly Hills Fertility Clinic have their respective gametes frozen and will happily monkey around with them so the world can still know what their children will look like.

Finally, we can all focus on more important things, like who Matt Damon is doing.

Ahead of schedule? Excellent. Time for the "Shrieking Eels" phase.

What? They broke up?? Oh NO!! *throws back of hand to forehead and knocks self out* BAM

I think Jennifer thought Ben Affleck was the cute blonde one. Maybe she'll date Matt Damon next.

We leave Ben to Matt, and I move in on J Lo. D'uh.

What happens now?  Well, I'm kinda on the throne right now...  so, same basic result as Gigli.

Having given up Matt and J Lo, Ben is now sharing Little Oscar with all
comers.

Kevin Smith's upcoming feature, "Jersey Girl," becomes a much more
interesting movie.

Ben will get seen around town with male models he claims are "just friends," J-Lo will have a fling with every under-20 actor in Hollywood until her drug problem becomes public news.  She'll blame it on her eternal love of Ben, but it will be too late, as a debilitating disease removes him from the spotlight, the only news of him being an occasional photo of his ever-more-grotesquely disfigured face.  J-Lo will put on weight but deny having a problem.  Then the Pope will name both of them saints and recruit them in final battle of the apocalypse against Satan and his minions in the White House foretold by Mayan codices.  What?  Well, yes... I do write for a tabloid.  Why do you ask?
 

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