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Question of the Week 11/13/02: Well, it's going to be hard to compete with the answers from last year, but nonetheless, we want to know: WHAT WILL BE THE BIGGEST SURPRISE IN "LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS"?The twist ending to the battle at Helm's Deep, in which the Republicans defeat the Democrats and gain control of both towers. While he's no Richard Harris, Christopher Lee does a surprisingly good job as Saruman. What? He was Saruman all along? Oh. The Yoda vs Saruman lightsaber fight. The way Catherine Zeta-Jones keeps freezing the action to show how Frodo could save Middle Earth by using T-Mobile. Sub-plot established for spin-off TV series starring Faramir: "CSI: Gondor". Aragorn single-handedly defeats entire orcish army when he reveals that he's been using his Capitol One No-Hassle Visa Card. What's in YOUR wallet? Sauron launches negative ad blitz against Aragorn, Gandalf, and the entire hobbit race. "Call Gandalf the Grey. Tell him Aragorn is too stubbly to be King. (Paid for by the Mordor Advancement Committee, Sauron, Chief Executive Eyeball)" In a surprise move, the over-committed Christopher Lee is replaced by child actor Jake Lloyd. "Give ME the Ring, Gandalf! Yippee!" Naomi Watts tells Frodo to just give Sauron the Ring, knowing Sauron will die soon after watching it. I still don't see how Sauron's plan can fail. I mean, a bowl of iron pellets disguised as hobbit chow, and a giant Acme electromagnet? What could possibly go wrong? Bilbo is really an android planted in Rivendell by the Corporation. The towers are still stuck together by that enormous web from the "Spiderman" preview. (Hmm, do you think they'll get Toby MacGuire to play Shelob?) Aragorn passes out roses to the women he'd like to get to know better. Both of them. And one hobbit. All battles resolved using Dungeons & Dragons rules. Catapults used to hurl giant d20s. Pippin drives a flying car into Treebeard. Gets womped. In an attempt to appeal to the youth market, Rings of Power are replaced with Pokemon. Poor Sauron just wants to catch 'em all! Addition of Torgo, who takes care of the Master's rings while he's away. Due to budget cuts, much of the film is made up of redubbed clips from "The Wizard of Oz." When Venger captures Uni and threatens to eviscerate her, Bobby must show his courage and take on the evil one alone. What? What do you mean I'm confused? Christopher Nolan takes over from Peter Jackson; entire film shot using "Memento"-style flashbacks. Theatrical run lasts only 1 hour. (DVDs will then be released every 4 months with 1 hour more footage than the last version. Final DVD will run 5 hours). Frodo and Sam sneak into Mordor unmolested, due to their clever use of Mentos™. "Wait a minute! [turns over corpse] These aren't Orcs, they're Bothans! No wonder this keeps happening." Apparently the budget was blown on the first film, because 200 plaster lawn gnomes standing out on a backlot just don't make a convincing dwarven army. Not to mention recasting Golem with Gary Coleman. And saying those trees were just "sleeping Ents"? Come on! Hobbits prefer potatoes over Stove Top Stuffing. Al Gore IS Treebeard; claims to have invented the Palantiri. Once again, how relevant and tastefully done the shower scene is. Sam falls into a well. Lassie runs for help. The movie makes a couple of bucks. I didn't know Helm's Deep had a Spatula City... Frodo and Sam are about to cross a stream when Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, and Harold Ramis burst out of the underbrush and warn them not to, because it would be very bad. The bottle of Shadowfax Glue seen on Bilbo's writing desk. Merry Brandybuck gets it on with a sexy Oompa Loompa babe. When McNaab breaks his ankle in the big Helm's Deep fight scene. Uruk-hai on ice. Not to be outdone by Lucas, Peter Jackson casts N'Sync… as Gollum, Wormtongue, and a couple of orcs. Extreme Uruk-Hai drink Blue Pepsi, while the more refined elves prefer the crisp, refreshing taste of Vanilla Coke. Aragorn looks weird encased in carbonite. More break-dancing from 80 year old dynamo Christopher Lee. Somebody tosses a dwarf. The two towers are Babel and Pisa. Phileas Fogg takes Frodo to the volcano in his time traveling hot air balloon, but it turns out to be Santorini,triggering the drowning of Atlantis (Oooop, I meant Numenor). Oh well, no mind, we'll try again later. If you call right now, we'll throw in a THIRD tower, absolutely free! That means you get the One True Ring, seven companions including the snow-walking elf companion -- perfect for suviving dangerous arctic conditions -- and not one... not two... but THREE full sized towers, all with a five year money back guarantee! Now how much would you pay?! This time Candyland is fighting back against Sauron! To distance the film from the horrors of 9-11, movie renamed "Lord of the Rings: Second Breakfast at Tiffany's" Gollum to be portrayed by JarJar Binks. The Arwen-Eowyn bitch-slapping catfight! Script accidentally transcribed from Harvard Lampoon's "Bored Of The Rings". But at least we get to see Frodo with a sexy elf woman, dispelling those unsettling rumors..... The wonderful thing about Tiggers is NOT that Tiggers are wonderful things! The tapestries in the hall of Meduseld were based on the works of Keith Haring. Brad Dourif's vocals as Grima Wormtongue are supplied by Jon Lovitz. Katie Couric's televised colonoscopy stands in as the Glittering Caves of Aglarond. Saruman murdered Albus Dumbledore. Eomer cuts off Gorbag's head and buries it on the Palmice farm. Composer Howard Shore replaced by newsman Daniel Schorr. Grima's spirit is cast into a Chucky Chubb doll. Treebeard sings the "Mahogany" theme song. The Ride of the Rohirrim is sponsored by a grant from the Chubb Foundation. Paul McCartney sings "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" on the soundtrack album. Liberal use of Dominic Monaghan's line "Stick it in the ground!" is dubbed into the track. Where isssss it??? My precioussssssssss. Maybe in thissss pudding cup? We will squassssssssh it and ssssssee if the preciousssssssss issss in the cup... Gollum sidetracked by mall jeweler; destroys it in fit of rage when Precioussssss not found. Legolas no longer prettiest. Very disturbing cameo by a miniature Sting. Terrible discontinuities as the script is taken from the hands of prequel screenwriter Ayn Rand and given to the more moderate George Will. I find the addition of a CGI creature with AIDS to be a little gratuitous. Now that Samuel Beckett's directing, I think the audience will be most surprised by the mind-numbing existential torpor. Full frontal Nazgulity. Biggest surprise? Richard Harris playing Gandalf, of course. That's not the One True Ring in Frodo's pocket; he's actually just happy to see you. Burger King introduces special product tie in: The One (onion) Ring Meal Deal! Ernest Borgnine IS Ghan Buri Ghan! Courtney Love IS the Orthanc Skank. Legion of Orcs routed by karate team who leaps out from a supply closet, yelling, "Supplies!!" Cap-taaaain CAAAAAAAAVEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! I thought the addition of the One Ring to Have It Your Way seemed like a bit of a sell out. Theme song duties passed from Enya to Eminem. ("Return of the King" to feature Englebert... Humperdink, that is.) Shelob replaced by Lisa Loeb. Scenes remain just as terrifying. McLembas! Frodo notices his lembas was secretly replaced with Folger's Crystals. Music video bit where Frodo sings the "Malcolm in the Middle" theme to the Ring. Theatrical release cut down to twelve minutes in order to maximize "never-before-seen-footage" for DVD. The sniper scene was cut. Eminem cameo as "Angry Youth # 4" Lembas made by Willy Wonka, change colors as you eat. Distressing scene when Ents dress Hobbits as Ent-wives. Wormtongue now called W. Frodo dresses it to the left. Peregrine Took is actually a Gallifreyan Time Lord. Treebeard was a Nazi. His real name is Guenther Tannenbaum. It turns out that it's Theoden who is really gay and can control metal with his mutant powers. Gollum is circumcized. Who knew that a little flaming Jet fuel would cause them both to fall on the same day? The love scene between Saruman and Sauron is quite tasteful, actually. Shadowfax replaced by new, sporty Ford Mustang. Jar-Jar as the Mouth of Sauron. Anna Nicole Smith dating Saruman behind Sauron's back. *And with a big potential spoiler…* . . . . Gandalf is alive! Seriously? Huh. Never mind.
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